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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop speaking to half my family.

30 replies

missymoomoomee · 31/07/2012 23:46

I really need some advice, I am maybe a bit too close to the situation to see clearly so some other opinions would be greatly appreciated.

First I must explain I have lost 2 children when they were just a few weeks old which obviously is just the most awful thing to ever go through, I have never made a secret of them and I speak of them often as I find it helps me a lot.

One night my brothers girlfriend and I were having a few drinks and speaking about our children when she told me about this baby she had who was stillborn, she told me about his funeral an even went and got a photo of him, she went on in detail for over an hour about everything and then said it upset her when I talked about my angels and asked me not to do it in front of her anymore as it was too painful, which made me feel awful as I had no idea and would never upset anyone like that if I had known.

She spoke about it a few more times over the weeks and I was careful not to mention my babies in front of her. I was going to get her a bracelet for her birthday with her childrens names on it and so I told her sister and asked her advice on whether to get her little angels name on it too (as I know I would hate my angel babies to be left out) and her sister had no idea what I was talking about. As it turned out she was absolutely lying, she had never had a stillborn baby, the picture she showed me was a cousin of hers, every single bit of it was an out and out lie.

I told my brother and my Mother about it and they were outraged to begin with, after a couple of weeks their outrage settled down, mine did not. My brother and I had an arguement on the phone where things were said on both parts that were wrong, then this woman then went onto facebook and started slagging my children off.

I point blank refuse to speak to her now, not only did she lie about the worst thing you can lie about, but she made me feel awful for 'upsetting her' when I was speaking about my angels and then slagged off my children. It is a sick and disgusting thing to lie about and a terrible thing to do.

I have been told to get over it and sort it out to make life easier for everyone (by my mother), I can't do this, I can't forgive her and want nothing to do with her. As it stands now I have been pushed out of my own family and haven't spoken to them for over a year. None of them seem too bothered as they have her and her kids, so basically I've been replaced.

Am I being too sensitive? Should I forgive her?

OP posts:
IvanaNap · 31/07/2012 23:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

lovebunny · 31/07/2012 23:55

keep well out of her way. there's no need to pretend her behaviour was acceptable, because it wasn't.

SoleSource · 31/07/2012 23:59

Has this other woman got a diagnosed mental condition¿

ImperialBlether · 01/08/2012 00:00

She is a cruel and manipulative liar and you should have nothing at all to do with her.

Anyone who takes her side over yours in this should be ignored too.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how awful that is.

CouldItBeTrue · 01/08/2012 00:01

You can either suck it up, apologise, pretend, make things better for everyone else and have a family unit around you.

Or

You can ask yourself if you really need these people in your life.

Obviously your mother is not easy to walk away from, but your devastating losses rank so highly over any jumped up little madam and her vile lies, that I feel you should not suck it up, you should not apologise, you are hurting and you have every right to.

Have you thought of sitting down and writing a letter to your mum, explaining why this hurt you so much and how the fact you were then ostracised by your family for being hurt only added to your pain?

I'm not saying it will work but you will be able to get it all out, everything you need to say to her and she can sit and read it without interrupting you.

If that doesn't work at least you know you have tried your hardest to put your point across.

YANBU OP, I'm very sorry for your losses and I hope the girlfriend rots for what she has done to you.

whois · 01/08/2012 00:01

WTF? She LIED about dead children??? Crazy, horrible, attention seeking cow. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

Don't stop speaking to your family tho, just pretend the crazy girl is invisible and doesn't exist!

Moominsarescary · 01/08/2012 00:06

I couldn't forgive her. it's the most foul thing to lie about, Especially to someone who has been through it. So sorry for your loss

LucieMay · 01/08/2012 00:09

What extremely bizarre and hateful thing to do. I've no real advice but I really feel for you op.

PlumpDogdePodiumPunchesdeAir · 01/08/2012 00:16

Just another poster offering support and best wishes - no advice as such, but very great sympathy. Her behaviour sounds really bizarre and she sounds very, very damaged. And it's remarkable what families sometimes do in silencing one person so that they can keep what they see as the wider peace.
I would say that you need to put your own feelings well over and above those of your family, who, for whatever reason, aren't giving you proper consideration and respect at all.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 01/08/2012 00:23

That is vile Shock

Personally I dont know what planet your mother is on either.

YANBU at all. No one should ever tell you to stop talking about your angels. They arent something to be hidden.

In time your mother may come to her senses and see that bitch for what she really is. But you need to live your life for you now. It will be hard but no one could blame you for cutting contact.

Original poster
missymoomoomee · 01/08/2012 00:29

Thank you all. Having thought about this for a year now I was beginning to think maybe I was over reacting.

After it all kicked off she said that she had severe PND and that made her say it, however she has no other symptoms and hasn't had any in the previous year and a half since her son was born or showed any signs after this lie, she has never been to the doctor for it and doesn't get any medication or anything so its totally self diagnosed.

I did email my Mum and told her that I can't forgive this woman or be around her and my Mum replied telling me to 'get over it as our paths will cross if I want to be a part of this family' . Thats when I decided to have nothing more to do with either her or my brother who has totally stuck by her.

Its really upsetting as my Mum is getting on in years and my brother and I were once close and this lie that I was on the receiving end of has blown my family apart. I can't get my head round why I have been outcast but I guess its just something I will have to live with.

Thank you for your sympathies xxx

OP posts:
CleopatrasAsp · 01/08/2012 01:02

Chances are if she is weird and manipulative enough to tell this lie then she will be weird and manipulative in the future to either your brother (most likely) and/or your mother and they will eventually see her true colours. She is odd and will trip herself up eventually. Try to live your life happily in the meantime, you are doing the right thing, what she did was wrong and there is no way you should be forced to ignore it just to make everyone else happy.

Original poster
missymoomoomee · 01/08/2012 02:58

Funnily enough Cleo she has been caught out lying about lots of things since (cheating on my brother, telling people she was buying a house, telling people she is my mothers carer, telling people her son is autistic when he isn't) but has threatened to leave with her children and never let my brother or Mum see them again, although only one is actually my brothers child. I understand my brother being in a predicament over this but my Mum has now effectively lost my children (I have 4) too. I let them call when they ask (which isn't often) but they are too young to see her on their own and my son knows about the situation and wants nothing to do with any of them either. I appreciate your input. I was starting to think I was bearing a grudge for the sake of it and should be over it now.

OP posts:
catus · 01/08/2012 07:10

My god, OP, YANBU. Not one little bit.
This was a horrible, hateful thing she did. The kind you can maybe forgive after a very long time, much soul searching and crucially a sincere apology. Not the useless excuses you got from her!
I am so sorry for you, having to go through this and seeing your own mother disregarding your pain like this. You have to ask yourself: are they worth the anguish?
Even if you forgive her in the end, think about self preservation and maybe do it from a distance?

DozyDuck · 01/08/2012 07:18

Yanbu.

I basically disowned half my family after a horrible incident (very long story) I still talk to my mum and sister and my mum and sister still talk to my mums extended family, but we keep it totally separate.

I'm never expected to go near that half of the family. But I can still have a relationship with my mum.

It's a shame your mum can't see you separately and understand that you don't want anything to do with this woman Sad

I have never regretted cutting ties with those people.

lisianthus · 01/08/2012 07:26

That is so completely horrible. No you are not overreacting and you have no need to explain yourself to anyone as what that woman did was so obviously beyond the pale that anyone who is not totally insensitive should see how wrong it was. I cannot believe your mother's reaction either- your baby angels are her grandchildren!

Stay right away and avoid further pain.

50shadesofslapntickle · 01/08/2012 07:37

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please know that what this woman did was sick. She does sound mentally unbalanced as what sort of person makes up stuff like that? She WILL come undone eventually though as like you say, it's not the only thing she has lied about.

I am aghast your mother has taken her side on this - totally aghast - I have no words!

Stay away - they don't deserve you. They are the ones who will be miserable as they have to be around her.

blizy · 01/08/2012 07:49

Bloody hell, that woman is a disgrace. OP YANBU, 50shades is right, they do not deserve you. The time will come when your Mum and Brother will come back to you with their tails between their legs.

CailinDana · 01/08/2012 08:11

Have your mother and brother ever given the impression that they would rather you didn't talk about your angels? It sounds to me like deep down they just don't care and don't want to hear about it and are relieved that the girlfriend put you in your place. Nasty bastards. The reason I think this is because my family is exactly the same - they would rather ostracise someone they claim to love than talk/hear about anything difficult. What do you think?

honeytea · 01/08/2012 08:20

what a horrid women she is, I am sorry to hear about your losses, I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for you. To me it sounds like she was jelous of you and saw the loss of the babies as drawing attention away from her.

It is so sad that you have lost the relationship with your mother. The sil is wrong there is not doubt about that but it is an awful shame for you and your kids to not have a relationship with your mum. Could you still see your mum and your brother and just think poor poor SIL she must be ill in her mind to make up such sad things.

By you not being there SIL is winning, it is exactly what she wants.

JumpingThroughHoops · 01/08/2012 08:24

Do you think you're mother is playing the waiting game? Clearly everyone knows your brothers GF is slightly odd and a compulsive liar; however pointing things out to your brother is going to ostracise him. So by playing the waiting game, not criticising a childs partner, eventually, the light dawns and the relationship ends anyway. Mum will be there to pick up the pieces.

What would your mother have to gain my marginalising your brother? It isn't a parents place to openly criticise a childs partner. You may not like or approve of them, but if you are in anyway a successful parent, you have equipped your children to make their own choices in life.

You have allowed yourself to be pushed out, when you should have just sat back and inwardly rolled a few eyes every time she came out with another story or two.

TBH the girl sounds like she has some serious MH issues if she needs to drum up that depth of fantasy for attention.

redexpat · 01/08/2012 08:26

That's awful. I can't believe they think you have a problem! No advice, but lots of sympathy and good wishes.

catus · 01/08/2012 08:29

Jumping. With respect, the eyes rolling is okay in most circumstances, but this is clearly not most circumstances.
She made up a stillborn baby to make the OP feel bad. How worse can you get? I'm afraid eyes rolling doesn't really match the enormity of that.

JumpingThroughHoops · 01/08/2012 08:34

but when the sister told the OP that it was in fact the cousin, did anyone challenge the girl herself?

None of us are equipped to sit and pseudo analyse someone else; how old is she? I wonder if the brother told the GF about his sisters loss, and she thought this was some weird empathy thing.

As I say, from my very non professional couch, biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig MH issues at play there. Good luck to the brother - because he's going to need it.

thevenerablebidet · 01/08/2012 09:43

OP, sorry for your losses. I don't think you're being unreasonable in not wanting to speak to her. I don't understand why your family want to have anything to do with her either.

Jumping, the brother doesn't need "luck". He needs to dump his girlfriend and has every justification for doing so.

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