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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum agreeing to stuff then being pursuaded out of it >:-(

20 replies

NikitasSidekick · 31/07/2012 08:41

So yesterday I called my mum and asked her if she fancied coming along with me and the kids on a day trip to York. Idea was we'd visit the castle museum (right up her street as she loves Victorian stuff), go for lunch and visit the shambles etc.

Her reaction was "ooo yeah!! wow sounds great!! can't wait!! what time are you picking me up?"

So I tell the kids - "grandma is coming with us tomorrow."

Anyway I was just looking at the prices for the museum and called to let her know and got this reply:

"oh. umm. you know it's going to be raining tomorrow?"

so I said "yeah, it won't kill us :-) "

so she said "yeah. err ... well I've just been speaking to your grandma and she said why don't we go a different day? when it isn't raining?"

so I replied "because I'm working or busy the other days. Don't you want to go?"

She said "oh yes, I do ... but my legs hurt when we walk around too much ... and your grandma was saying why don't we go one day next week?"

I reply "because I've arranged it for tomorrow. Are you coming or not?"

she replies "I'll let you know".

wtf!? Angry she was all up for it yesterday, a quick conversation with my grandma and she doesn't want to know.

She does this all the time. Usually last minute cancellations that puts everyone out. I used to always change my plans for her but we ended up never bloody going anywhere and it isn't fair to the kids.

AIBU to be annoyed??

OP posts:
MrsHelsBels74 · 31/07/2012 08:45

I think YANBU to be annoyed but I can understand how someone can be keen on an idea at first then after thinking about it, realise its not such a good idea. You'd think she could make up her own mind though rather than letting your grandma decide for her!

Maybe in future don't tell your children their grandma is coming until she actually is physically there so they won't be disappointed?

HecateHarshPants · 31/07/2012 08:45

Stop inviting her anywhere. Grin

Is there any chance she's moaning behind your back about not wanting to go? I'm just thinking there are people like that and wondering if she's one of them. Oh, I said I'd go to X with Nik. hope my legs will be up to it going to be a long day...

Which would influence the response she gets.

Or does your grandma just not like the idea of your mum going anywhere?

Why not just talk to her about it? Your mum I mean. Be honest.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 31/07/2012 08:45

Stop asking her.

I have a mother like this, it took me a while but I learned to stop inviting her on outings or to visit our house. It's her loss not ours. Don't put the expectations there in the first place and she can't let you down.

But I agree, it sucks.

Gumby · 31/07/2012 08:46

She's just using your grandma as an excuse

Often elderly people or people my age can't face a day out of their routine

You have to accept she doesnt like days out & go alone or with friends

Original poster
NikitasSidekick · 31/07/2012 08:47

My grandma doesn't like my mum going anywhere with me. Sounds stupid but this kind of stuff happens all the time. Not sure why.

I just hate the way I'm constantly expected to change plans to suit everyone else. Another example:

"Oh Nik, can you take us to your grandads on wednesday?"
"ah I would but I've promised the kids we'd go to cinema - cheap tickets on a wednesday!"
"oh. umm. Why don't you go to cinema another day?"

ffs! pisses me right off it does.

OP posts:
Original poster
NikitasSidekick · 31/07/2012 08:48

But then she moans that she never goes anywhere and that I don't invite her out as much as I used to. Can't do right for wrong.

OP posts:
Trills · 31/07/2012 08:48

It doesn't sound like the OP's mum can be that elderly if she is talking to her own mother about things.

YANBU to be annoyed.

Did grandma want to come, is that why she wanted it rearranged?

HecateHarshPants · 31/07/2012 08:48

Oh yes, and I agree with MrsH - don't ever EVER tell the children she's coming. Not worth it. My parents are good at letting me down so I never tell the children they're coming.

Tell your mum. Even say well, I won't tell the children you're coming, you know what you're like for changing your mind and I am tired of them being disappointed.

HecateHarshPants · 31/07/2012 08:49

Bugger trying to do right! Just be honest. There is no point inviting you anywhere, because you always cancel.

And let your no stay a no.

It really is within your control.

Original poster
NikitasSidekick · 31/07/2012 08:51

Trills I do suspect my grandma might have wanted to come - she was invited but couldn't due to cleaners going or something. But I can't just rearrange everything all the time.

"her kids we're off to york/museum/dinner/cool stuff on wednesday!"
"yay!!"
"oh yeah, about that - we're not going now, we're going next week instead."

It isn't fair.

OP posts:
Trills · 31/07/2012 08:53

If I were feeling mean I would moan about her being a grown woman and not having to consult with her mother on everything that she does.

No, in a 6-week holiday you can't put things off for over a week just because someone else (who is not essential to the trip) would quite like you to. And if your mum's legs would ache your grandma would be even less likely to want to walk around!

MrsHelsBels74 · 31/07/2012 08:53

I used to invite my MIL a lot after DS was born. She'd usually come but make such a fuss about it, almost acting like it was an inconvenience & that she was doing me a HUGE favour by coming along. In the end I stopped asking her. It's a shame but it's just a lot easier.

charl0tteBronteSaurus · 31/07/2012 08:57

i agree - don't tell the DC in the future, and don't change your plans

MIL is like this, less so about bailing out completely, and more turning up ridiculously late (4 hours is her personal best). We don't tell the DC if they're coming, and DH is adamant that if we go somewhere, we don't wait longer than 15 minutes for her to join us.

They are getting better.

FireOverBabylon · 31/07/2012 08:59

No, your not BU, but it's just her loss. You've invited her along, she aint coming, get your waterproofs and carry on regardless.

Enjoy your trip to York and get the kids to tell her at length with the aid of postcards and rubbers from the souvenir shop what she's missed out on

NeedlesCuties · 31/07/2012 09:00

My mum doesn't do this, as she works full-time and is often too busy to come anywhere anyway. However, MIL is like this and it drives me bonkers.

I've stopped saying to DS that his gran is coming up as it's hurt his feelings in the past when she's cancelled at short notice, often with the excuse that she has "a sore head" :(

MrsHels what you describe sounds just like my MIL!

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/07/2012 09:20

"But then she moans that she never goes anywhere and that I don't invite her out as much as I used to. Can't do right for wrong."
Then when she moans, tell her it's because she keeps saying yes then changing her mind. Give specific instances, like this one (and the no-doubt long list of others). Point it out to her that she could be going out, and that if you don't invite her out as much as you used to, it's for just that reason.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/07/2012 09:25

OP... you said you looked up the prices and told her - and THEN she backtracked. Is she short of money or were you going to pay for her?

Original poster
NikitasSidekick · 31/07/2012 09:33

No she's not short of money at all, she was trying to push petrol money on to me initially and I refused it.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 31/07/2012 12:49

Your GM is using a tactic I have seen before to stop your DM from going out.

My mums neighbour had to put up with delaying tactics from her DH who had emphysema. Whenever she was due to go out shoppin once a week, he would suddenly have a coughing/breathless attack and require his oxygen mask. She would miss her bus, and couldn't even get a dial-a-ride minibus because of his behaviour. She used to end up walking the mile to town, and rush around, then straight home. She had no opportunity to do anything other than the bare minimum shopping, browsing for a birthday present for example was out of the question.

The point I'm trying to make is that as soon as your GM hears that your DM is going on a trip without her, she tries to talk her out of it. She can't cope with things happening over which she has no control, or is left out of. And maybe she doesn't feel secure if she can't just call on your mum to rush round at a moments notice. But this is your DM's problem to sort out. I think you need to say how disappointed the DC are when she agrees to come out with them and then doesn't come. And as others have said, this is precisely why you don't invite her so much.

To be fair to you and the DC, it would be no fun having your DM complaining about her aching knees all day and holding you back. Unless she has an arthritic condition which flares up unexpectedly and unpredictably, in which case it would have been better for her to refuse the trip in the first place if that was likely, given the amount of walking involved.

ssd · 31/07/2012 13:18

TBVh, I think your mum is stuck between you and your gran and whatever she does she cant win

in future just make plans with your pals and their kids

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