AIBU to make DH sleep on sofa?

[moochie6880]

I noticed DH was being quite cagey with his phone so when he went in the bath a few days ago, I read his messages. There was a message to a random number on there which was from him and it was just a line of kisses. I confronted him about it and he admitted it was to his ex. He had also deleted the message history between them so there was just that one message which immediately makes me suspicious. This isn't the first time he's done this. He swears nothing physical has gone on but that's by the by...the intent was there to do something, that's why he was keeping it secret from me. He offered to sleep on the sofa, I told him to do what he wanted. Today he's arranged for us to go to Relate, appointment is next week. (I told him to do this otherwise I would leave.) He thinks now because the appointment is arranged, everything is fine and was all annoyed when I didn't invite him back into the bedroom! AIBU???

He wouldn't even be in the house if I were you.

YANBU

you are probally not bu but he possibly may not quite understand why your upset because it appears that he belives you havent cought him out doing anything because he deleted anything incriminating apart from the kisses apparently in man language they are subjective (if done by them) and only conclusive (if they catch you sending txts like that)

YANBU. If I had seen something like this, I would think VERY long and hard about letting him back into the marital bed.

IME (from on here, mainly), men admit to what they need to. So, if you suspect an affair, they say no. If you have evidence of flirting, they say it was just flirting. If you have evidence of a kiss, they say it was just a kiss. If you have evidence of them sleeping together, they say it was just the once.

The fact that this isn't the first time suggests he doesn't take his marriage vows as seriously as you do.

The fact that he is prepared to go to Relate with you is a sign that he doesn't want to lose you, however please do not accept this Relate meeting as a way of the matter being partially resolved. I would suspect, and demand the truth, that there is more.

9 times out of ten, there always is.

YADNBU

No. I think you should put the sofa at the bottom of the garden as well!

Hope you can sort things at relate.

i'd make DP sleep in the car! or a hotel/parents house.

YANBU. He would be sleeping on his mothers sofa for the foreseeable future if he had done that to me. Just making an appointment at relate does not fix things IMO!

Thanks for the reassurance! He thinks all this can easily be fixed but it can't. I even found out she'd texted him on the day I was giving birth ffs, this was 5 weeks ago. There was another ex who I found out he'd been arranging to meet up with behind my back at new year. This was when I was about 4 months pregnant and had been in hospital 3 times with hyperemesis (I had a very rough pregnancy). The only reason they didn't meet was because she stood him up. And he wonders why I am suspicious of him. If it wasn't for the kids (5 week old and a 2 year old) I'd be gone.

Why is there always a brand new baby involved in these threads?

OP, I am sorry to say you are not the first and I fear not the last that this has happened to.

Fucking selfish bastard men who can;t understand that their wife is giving birth to THEIR child, and instead go looking for some sort of ego boost in the form of another woman. It makes me sick.

The children aren't a reason to stay with someone who you can't trust and makes you miserable and paranoid OP.

YABVVR!! He is lucky you are allowing the sofa!

In fact, you are being over reasonable, to the extent I may think you are being unreasonable to let him get away with so much!!

I know, it's because of a lack of attention he has to go elsewhere. It's pathetic. I was seriously starting to think I was being unreasonable about it all but the fact is I'm hurt and I can't just switch that off overnight. How do you trust someone who just breaks it down time and time again? It does my head in.

op you dont,if that type of thing is an issue for you then it just festers and every single time things are not going swimmingly then they rear there head again

This is what I'm afraid of, I don't want this happening over and over again. If this counselling doesn't do the trick I think it would be the best thing all round to cut my losses, take the kids and move on.

I have never said this on a realtionship thread yet but "Leave the bastard".
This is the only way that he will learn that his shit house actions actually have consequences other than "kipping on the couch".
He's fucked up twice in 7 months! You know the saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice....." Kick the cunt out, you deserve so much better.

OP would it not be best to ask him to move out for a while. If you don't make a stand against his behaviour then he will carry on thinking that he can get away with treating you this way. I know you don't want this but do you really want to be treat like a doormat for the rest of your life. I think he needs to be stood up to, making him sleep on the sofa is not a big enough lesson.

Do you really want to stay with him or are you just scared of being left on your own? I think you need to seriously address that question. It is scary going it alone but it is far better than letting some selfish bastard treat you like a mug and eat away at any self esteem that you have left.

im probally not the best person to ask because in all honesty cheating or fidelity is not really an issue for me its not something i have ever given a toss about.
apart from the time it was my best friend involved but thats because it was with a friend and if im truely honest i was more bothered about the loss of the friend than i was the husband but he was an arse anyway.

do you have any idea what you hope to gain from the relate session?

I'm no expert, but I thought Relate were to help with problems between a couple.
If he's been playing about with his ex, what can they do to sort it?

Nobhead - I am totally with you and I know that's what I should do and that's what I'd tell anyone in my position to do but being in the situation myself makes it so much harder. He thinks it's all ok because he says nothing has gone on but that's only because I found out!! I dread to think of what else has gone on that i don't know about. He's got some serious making up to do, I'm not talking gifts and flowers, but he has to

...prove he can be the husband I need him to be.

I'm hoping that Relate can maybe get him to explain why he has done what he's done and make him see that it's out of order. If there are problems with our marriage making him do this then I need to know. I just want someone impartial to tell him he's been an arse.

I don't just want to call time on our marriage without trying to fix it. Our vows actually meant something to me so I want to work at it. Just depends if it can all be fixed.

they do often help when infidelity has been an issue.

when you first go they ask you both to fill out questionares and one of the questions is what you hope to gain or what you want to use the service for

i got a bit weirded out by my last session there because he wrote to learn to communicate better and i wrote 'i dont really know'. i then sat in the session with us both talking the relate lady told us we needed to use sepperate sessions as in her opinun he was abusive i thought hmmm shes compleatly right i want the git gone. we then went home and he beat the living crap out of me needless to say i havent even set eyes on him since apart from at court.

why i told you that i dont know but you should probally work out how you think it could help