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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this quite annoying and upsetting?

16 replies

spammertime · 30/07/2012 08:27

I am shortly returning to work after having my daughter. She will be 10 months and much as I'd love to be a SAHM the choice is work or pay a mortgage! I have 2 other children who have gone to nursery so you think I'd have got used to all this by now but no. Anyway, this is not a SAHM thread or a nursery thread really - I'm very happy with the nursery she will go to and being a SAHM is unfortunately not an option.

Anyhow we're currently staying with MIL. So far she has about 5 times initiated conversations like... "I bet you'll really miss DD when she's at nursery", "I bet she'll cry when you're not there, don't you?" and my personsl favourite, "I couldn't have beared to be parted from my babies" etc etc. It's driving me mad. I have muttered a few "yes, but I haven't really got a choice" things and made it pretty clear I don't want to discuss. She knows I'd be a SAHM if I could so it's not like she's trying to have a go at my principles. But it's starting to really get to me! Anyone got any gems I could respond with? AIBU to think she's being a bit bloody insensitive?

OP posts:
lovebunny · 30/07/2012 08:29

no gems. iknow how easy it is to say the wrong thing, though.
i don't understand why she's fussing about baby 3. how did she cope when the others went to nursery? is she by any chance now available to babysit, where she wasn't previously?
devious people, we grandmas.

Lottie27029 · 30/07/2012 08:31

Maybe next time she says that you says well we need our house and we have bills to pay. Would there be anyway u could leave dd with her a morning a week say? Maybe that's what's she getting at?? :-/ I may be terribly wrong but I have a overly annoying mil too lol xx

JeezyPeeps · 30/07/2012 08:32

What about 'yes, its a shame, but your son doesn't earn enough to allow me to stay at home with the children'

fruitysummer · 30/07/2012 08:34

My first thought was is she now retired and is she clumsily asking to have your DD some of the time instead of going to nursery?

Next time she mentions it just ask her if she wants to be a sahGM?

bringbacksideburns · 30/07/2012 08:34

I didn't talk to my mother for three months once after she had me in tears my first day back after 6 months off with my first child. I brought him over to her as she was helping to look after him and she said if DH had a better job i wouldn't have to do this and could stay at home like she did and generally made me feel shit.

Wouldn't mind but i only worked jobshare.

Original poster
spammertime · 30/07/2012 08:48

I would honestly love it if she could be a SAHGM but we live over 4 hours away.

I don't know why this is suddenly such an issue. Maybe just that we've never visited when I've been about to go back to work?

We generally get on quite well and I know she's not being devious but I wish she'd realise that it's not helping. Might have to get DH to intervene (He just thinks she's a bit bonkers)

OP posts:
whackamole · 30/07/2012 08:53

YANBU, I had no guilt at all when my twins went to nursery so I could go back to work, but it would have really upset me if someone went out their way to tell me how upset they and I would get!

I like JeezyPeeps response. It puts the ball in your DHs court, and doesn't give anything away about how you feel about going back to work.

fluffyraggies · 30/07/2012 08:57

Aww, OP, let her see that it's upsetting you.

I'll bet you're putting on a brave face and keeping all the upset behind closed doors.

I don't know her motives - but i'm sure if she saw your get teary next time she brings it up she'll soon shut up about it. And comfort you perhaps.

I know it's hard. I find it difficult showing my true feelings in front of people other than my DH and kids, but i'm sure this would work. It'll clear the air too.

Kayano · 30/07/2012 09:05

'I find it upsetting enough without you bringing it up all the time and would appreciate if you stopped because I don't have a choice.'

Why beat around the bush muttering 'yeah...'

Lottie27029 · 30/07/2012 09:06

'What about 'yes, its a shame, but your son doesn't earn enough to allow me to stay at home with the children'

Lmao! I have one like this! U r not alone!x

Trills · 30/07/2012 09:06

YANBU to find it annoying - is this a new MIL or was she around for the other two as well?

Thumbwitch · 30/07/2012 09:09

YANBU - she doesn't need to keep on about it. Perhaps you should just be up front and say "well yes, I'd love to be able to stay at home with her but I can't and I already feel a bit shit about it so could you please stop rubbing it in? Thanks"

ChitchatAtHome · 30/07/2012 09:10

You need to let her know it's upsetting you.

Say something like 'Do you honestly think I'm going to find this easy? Do you think that hearing you make this comments is easy? It's not, it hurts, it hurts, a lot, and I never realised you would say something so hurtful to me. You KNOW I can't stay home with the children, I have no choice. I DON'T want to talk about this again, please!'

lovebunny · 30/07/2012 09:12

you could tell her it breaks your heart to leave your children, but you have to go to work to pay the mortgage.
very few mums would be unmoved.

Original poster
spammertime · 30/07/2012 09:43

Thanks everyone. So consensus seems to be I'm not BU to find it upsetting but I should get a bit more backbone and just tell her that.

For a nest of vipers you're pretty nice really! Thanks again.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/07/2012 10:10

I would burst into tears every time she said it. Guilt trip the woman!

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