To tell a friend what I think about something major in a letter

[larks35]

Met up with friend recently and she told me about some major problems she was having. At the time I was very sympathetic and "said all the right things" and "made all the right noises" as we were both frequently distracted by our DCs and I haven't been getting much sleep so was too tired to be clear-headed.

In retrospect I've realised she is about to make a huge mistake and I really want to speak to her more. But we won't meet up again for a couple of weeks at least and then it will be with our DCs. I'm not able to go out alone atm as DD is v young and a bottle-refusing bfeeder.

I'm thinking of writing to her but am concerned that this will be a one-sided conversation and may leave her feeling unsupported. Ideally, I'd like to see her and converse about these things properly but this isn't possible. I'm also worried that she'll read the letter at a bad time of day e.g. when in the midst of dealing with her DC and it probably will upset her.

However, if I wait I'm worried I'll be too late, and I really think she is going to make a mistake. What should I do?

Telephone.

Written word can never be retracted.

if its to do with a man unless hes an abuser just dont.

Is there any reason why you couldn't talk to her on the phone? Maybe text her first to sort a time where you're both free?

I think writing down something difficult to say and which you know will be difficult to hear can be a good thing. It kind of takes the heat out of the situation, and less chance things might be said that can't be taken back.

Could you do it by email which would be quicker (unless that's what you're thinking of anyway), or get on a messenger so it's more of a conversation?

Phone. You can be much more supportive that way, and its harder for things to be misinterpreted which is common when written down, lack of tone and all that.

agree phone is much better, just text and say you wanna talk and can you call when kids are all in bed?

TBH we both have young DC and long phone conversations aren't possible in the daytime or evening for me atm. I was thinking of emailing but a part of me felt that a written letter is more personal. I just don't know if it is a good idea as it is going to be critical in a way.

Why dont you text her saying that you would like a chat with her so could you arrange a good time to call?

I know that you have your DC but I am sure you could spare her an hour, no one is really 100% busy all the time.

sorry submitted too soon.

If you have time to write a well thought out email or letter then you have time for a phone call surely?

Depending on what you've got to say of course, but a letter by snail mail could be taken as a bit of a cop out.

I'm not knocking taking the easy way out at all, I much prefer to be typing than talking, but looking to the future of your friendship, how do you think she'll take it?

Like you say, you've got no control over the timing of when you drop the letter on her when there could be ways you can soften the blow.

No no no no no! Just nooooooo! You can not even ask her if she wants your input, you can't gauge anything. My mother sends me letters. They are never welcome.

You are making excuses for not talking to her, if you wanted to find the time you would.

Try to make time to phone. If you write, there's a danger that what you're trying to say will come across as much more prescriptive and critical in print than you mean it to, and she'll read it over and over and get herself wound up, without you there to explain it. Or you'll feel you have to soften it so much that you'll be end up not making your point at all. Hard conversations are much better to do in person, or on the phone at least, so you can gauge how things are going.

Maybe write it down to make it clear in your own mind, but don't send the letter. I know when I start writing emails like that, my brain goes into 'dramatic letter writing mode' and phrases pop out that I'd never actually use if I were speaking to someone. And then it doesn't sound like me - and getting a challenging letter from someone who doesn't even sound like your friend makes it even harder to read.

You're right actually. I think I'll text her tomorrow and suggest a phonecall warning her that it will need to be late and potentially long. I want her to know I'll support her whatever she chooses to do, but also to consider my (now I've thought the whole thing through) advice.

Thanks all, gawd it is useful to get some quick opinions!

but also to consider my (now I've thought the whole thing through) advice

Dont make that part of it. You can offer your advice as she asked for it in your original conversation, but you must not ask her or expect her to consider it. Saying something like "please think about what I have said" would make you sound bossy and pushy and may alienate her. Just say your piece, she will think about it without you telling her to.

good point bogeyface I definitely do not want to alienate her, she's a lovely person and I want to be a good friend but I will be careful not to be bossy (I can be more than a bit bossy at times)

As a bit of a bossy boots myself, I know whereof I speak

call
written word so easily misconstrued
talk more personal

Did she ask for advice first time? Specifically? Because if not then tread carefully.

I just sense you have 'views' and that can be a danger area.

I have learnt the hard way that people do not always welcome 'advice'

Call her. Make the time.

don't put anything in writing. ever.

(like, erm... on the internet).

no seriously, don't write. unless you're in regular written conversation with someone, they don't pick up on your mood or attitudes.