To expect OH back at a reasonable time?

[TuesdaySusie]

When he goes out, he always stays out until the early hours and I'm getting sick of it.
Last night he said he wouldn't be late back and then rocks up at quarter to four.
I couldn't sleep. I never can when I'm expecting him back.
We have a big family (my family) do today and have to drive two hours to get there. Need to arrive by lunchtime.
He is currently sleeping it off. Meanwhile I was woken up at 5.30 by the cats. I've had about 2 hours sleep but am expected to get up and sort DD out.
Oh, plus I'm 19 weeks pregnant.
Tired and fed up this morning!

YANBU. You have kids with him? Or are shortly about to become parents together? He'll have to grow up a bit!

He has been unreasonable. I would be upset too.

Yanbu! My dh does the same thing when he goes out (abt once a month) and my friends tell me I need to give him a break

Thanks. We have DD (who has just turned 3) and another on the way.
He thinks there's nothing wrong with it and that he should be entitled to go out and come back at whatever time he wants.
He says he doesn't care if I do the same thing, which is hardly about to happen in my current state!
He thinks I'm being unreasonable to expect him back.

YANBU. I have no advice but my DP is exactly the same. We have a one-year-old and I'm 13 weeks pregnant. Not found a solution yet but managed to compromise that he goes out alternate weekends rather than every week...

YANBU if it is just a normal night out, maybe a couple of times a year for a big birthday or stag do staying out till 4 is a good idea, but when you have a toddler and pregnant DP at home it's just not on!

YABU

Assuming he gets up and is ready to go on time, that is.

If doesn't, then YANBU.

But I think it is very unfair to tell someone they can't go out at night because you can't sleep while their gone :/

"He thinks there's nothing wrong with it and that he should be entitled to go out and come back at whatever time he wants."

If my (much loved) DP said that to me I'd tell him not to bother coming home at all.

In a genuine partnership you either do things together, or agree what you do separately to make sure that you are both happy with it.

"In a genuine partnership you either do things together, or agree what you do separately to make sure that you are both happy with it"

But it is quite selfish to deny a partner a night out or activity because you are happy to stay in.

In my marriage i was the one that would go out and come home in the early hours and my DH objected because when he only stayed out because of work, but that was his choice.

It is on that same thought process that some male relatives think that women shouldn't go out late alone, because they worry, it is their problem and they need to get over that, just like the OP needs to work on being able to sleep if he isn't there.

It isn't fair to use those tactics as a means of control.

How often does this happen?

If it's a weekly occurance then YANBU.

If he does it maybe three or four times a year, I don't think it's really too big a deal.

As a general rule I don't think adults should have curfews, however they shouldn't do that crappy 'I won't be back late' thing either if they know they aren't going to roll in until a ridiculous hour. Does he do it a lot? I'd get pretty tired of it if it happened regularly and I had to cope with the aftermath.

In this particular circumstance he's definitely an arse to do it when he knows he's going out first thing. Do you have to take him with you? I'd just pack up and go to the lunch without him tbh. Hanging around with a tired hungover grumpy DP doesn't sound like fun to me.

I think it was unfair of him to do it the night before a family do - did he get up in time to go?

Depends on how often he does it as to if he's being unreasonable. A few times a year, fine. Monthly, a bit iffy. Weekly - "leave the bastard".

And he's being a smarmy git to say you can do the same thing when you're pregnant. I'd book into a spa weekend.

"But it is quite selfish to deny a partner a night out or activity because you are happy to stay in."

That's not what I said Birds.

I said that these things should that agreed in a decent relationship. That means give-and -take on both sides, not control by one side.

should be agreed

YANBU as he's said he won't be late.

If he goes out and is always out til 4am or whatever, personally I'd make peace with myself that he isn't coming home, so you can try and get some sleep, and ask that when he does come home he sleeps elsewhere, like the spare room/sofa so he doesn't disturb you.

What Paivaiso said. I wouldn't take kindly to my dp telling me what time I should come home, and if you can't sleep without him there that is your problem rather than his.
On the other hand, he should get up anyway, choosing to stay out late does not get you a free pass the next morning.

Check in to a hotel for the night / weekend (travelodge is very cheap) and leave him to look after dd. See how he likes it. You'll get a rest )

Its not fair of him to stay late if he said he will be back at a certain time because you will worry. If he was honest and said not to wait up because he'll be back really late then you would probably be able to sleep!

I think it is reasonable for him to go out once a month late (as long as you are afforded the same luxury) BUT he has to be transparent about it.

Oh god you could be me OP right down to the pregnancy bit. My partner didn't come home all night last week (thread posted at time). He has on numerous occasions told me he will be home at x time or in 30 mins then rolls up hours and hours later. I hate it - he doesn't see much of a problem.

You don't own him, he is his own person.

Depends how often it happens, I reckon.

My OH doesn't often go on big nights out (half a dozen a year, maybe), but when he does, he'll roll in at some ungodly hour or stay out all night and reappear some time the next morning. I used to hope and expect a phone call or text at some point in the evening just so I know he's alive and having fun etc but he gets carried away with all the fun or runs out of phone battery so doesn't contact me. I have stopped expecting it now and I'm much happier now that I know what not to expect! I find it more difficult to sleep if he's not here but I accept that's my problem, not his.

HIBU to say he wouldn't mind you doing it though. Not likely when you're pg, is it? HIalsoBU to say he'll be back at a reasonable time. Best not to commit to such a thing if an evening has the potential to turn into a bender.

Serious question: where does this thing about "I don't want to go out so hubby can't go out," come from? Or "we have to do everything together."

It is off if he says he'll be back at one time then rocks up 5 hours later, but let's spin this for a second: he was probably going to be out til 4 whatever he said, he probably just thought he would get moaned at if he said that; was he right?

Would this be unreasonable:
"When are you going to be back?"
"About 4am."
"OK, have a good night."

Is that unreasonable?

TBF, you getting woken up by the cats is not his fault