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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish someone would understand?

16 replies

bogeyface · 27/07/2012 22:00

I know that things arent "that bad" but its enough and sometimes too much.

Normal life, plus shamble of a marriage, plus health problems, plus very serious health problems in someone else that will lead to me being co-carer soon, plus running a business that I never planned to run but need in order to make some money.

I can deal with that. Sort of. Not very well, but sort of.

But everybody leans on me all the time. I am the coper, its what i do and I am fine with that. i prefer to be pro-active rather than re-active and they rely on me for that. But why cant they all see that I cant be leaned on by all of them without needing to do a bit of leaning of my own occasionally? 2 hour phone call from someone needing me, i am there, I listen I talk Ihelp if i can. I call for a chat and get "What do you want? I've had a bad day, can you be quick?" and am then told when I see them 2 days later that I shouldnt just call for a chat when I "know how things are"

Yes, I do know how things are. Everyone keeps telling me! When i tried to explain this to the person who gets snippy with me, she implied that i was being needy and said that I didnt have it as bad as they did.

But I am so tired, and crying, but mainly tired.

Sorry, this isnt really an AIBU is it? Hang on, I'll have a go...

AIBU to want to say that I have problems too and it would be nice if they could spare me 5 minutes sometimes without making it clear that they are really putting themselves out?

OP posts:

JustFabulous · 27/07/2012 22:04

YANBU.

I have a couple of friends who say they are there for me but when I try to cash that offer, nothing.

I can listen?

Original poster

bogeyface · 27/07/2012 22:07

Hah, cashing in offers that have expired, I can sing that song!

Thanks for the offer (!) but its not the situation thats the problem really. Its that everyone leans on me but I dont have anyone to lean on. I suppose I have created this for myself by being the coper, I dont know how to be anything else. But when it gets a bit much sometimes, no one has time for me, its like I am not expected to have problems because I am the coper.

Thanks :)

OP posts:

holyfishnets · 27/07/2012 22:10

can you directly tel them you need more support?

emsyj · 27/07/2012 22:14

See, the thing is most people are basically selfish and don't give a shiny shite about other people's problems. My DMum told me (and I think she's right) that you can count yourself very lucky if you have one or two true friends in your whole lifetime. By a true friend, I mean one who will stand up for you, one who'll be there for you if you have a problem - these people are rare. If you don't currently have one in your life, there's nothing wrong with you - they're just hard to come by, and when you find one, you must treasure her or him and recognise that these people don't come along often.

Do you have one true friend?

Original poster

bogeyface · 27/07/2012 22:18

I do have one true friend and the problem is that she rarely comes to me with her problems, by her own admission she doesnt have many! So I try not to be the person who always rings her with a problem, I dont want her to feel about me the way I do about the people that rely on me iykwim. And actually, thats good for me, because it means that I have to focus on other things when I am with her.

undo I have tried but I dont have it as bad as they do and should be grateful.........

These are not people I can say "ah fuck it" and just not see them so much. And they do need me, genuinely. Its just that they dont appreciate that it costs me too, in terms of my mental health.

OP posts:

Original poster

bogeyface · 27/07/2012 22:19

OMG, could that last post have been anymore me me me me me me me me?!

OP posts:

emsyj · 27/07/2012 22:25

The thread is your thread and so it is about you. It's really fine to make posts that entirely consist of your own feelings when the thread is about... your feelings!

Call your one true friend and ask her to meet up with you for a one-off discussion about some issues that are bothering you. You can, if you would like to handle it in that way, preserve her as a 'I can focus on other things with her' friend by agreeing that she won't bring up anything you discuss on that occasion at any future meetings.

You need to make a withdrawal from the friendship bank. You can repay it another time. If she is a true friend, it won't be a burden to give you some support - it's not equivalent to people who don't really care much about you one way or the other offloading. It's a different dynamic with a true friend.

Original poster

bogeyface · 27/07/2012 22:30

Its funny you should mention a "withdrawal from the friendship bank" .

I saw her the other night and she said something, just an aside really, but it meant alot to me as I hadnt realised until she said that, how much I meant to her. She said "there isnt anything better in life than sitting outside on a summer evening, with a glass of wine and your best friend" and then she laughed and bummed a fag off me, she doesnt smoke :o

She has always been my BF but she has so many friends and is so well thought of that I assumed i was a friend (ie, more than a mate but not a BF). Sounds very playground, but it meant alot to me :)

I will give her a call tomorrow. thanks ems

OP posts:

emsyj · 27/07/2012 22:32

You're lucky to have a true friend. Hope you have a good chat with her and feel better.

MammaTJ · 27/07/2012 22:39

emsyj your DMum is a very wise woman!!

bogeyface you need someone to be able to replenish that bank a bit more than is happening right now. Would MN be enough? We are quite good at that sort of thing. Do you need to expand your friendship circle?

You sound like the kind of friend I appreciate and cherish!!

AlbertoFrog · 27/07/2012 22:50

When you come across as a "coper" it's hard sometimes for folk to understand that you have problems too and sometimes need help, emotional support, or just a listening ear.

You can really start to resent those friends who sap your strength but are never there for you.

Sometimes you have to cut your losses which is stressful in itself but oh the relief when it's all over and done with (yes I speak from experience)

If that's not an option for you bogeyface then vent on here. You know there will always be someone who'll listen.

Original poster

bogeyface · 27/07/2012 22:56

Thank you :)

I am feeling so much better, although slightly more tearful!

I do need more friends I think, I have never been very good at making friends, I believe it is a gift and I dont have it.

They are not friends, but family. And the issues are very serious and I dont resent their need for help from me, an example being PPI reclaim. Sounds silly but...they were going to go with a telesales sold claim company, when I said that I would do it for them for nothing as they would get ripped off. I dont resent that at all, and they gave me a gift from their reclaim that made my day (and i hadnt expected)! But because I know stuff, or can easily find out stuff and dont have a problem with dealing with (perceived) authority, I think they just think everyone rolls off me like water off a ducks back. And it doesnt.

I worry about the person with the serious issues just as much as they do. Just because my default is to research and find work-arounds doesnt mean I am not worried.

I know I am not making sense, sorry. Its been a long day.

OP posts:

Viperidae · 27/07/2012 23:06

If only we copers all had friends who supported in RL like the nice people on here!

As I am getting older I realise more and more the truth of that oxygen mask thingy, you know the aeroplane advice of put your own mask on first before helping anybody else and am getting a bit more ruthless in my own life.

I hope your good friend is there to help you OP, maybe you need to be a bit ruthless with some of the others and next time they ring tell them you have had a bad day / too busy, etc and see if it hits home.

AlbertoFrog · 27/07/2012 23:10

You're making perfect sense.

The fact it's family raises the stress factor somewhat. Not quite so easy to cast off (not that I'm suggesting you want to)

Is it possible to take time out just for you? Do something you really enjoy or something that would relax you. Even if it's just a hot bubble bath with candles and a glass of wine. Play some relaxing or feel good music and just zone out of real life. That's what I'd like to do if I only had the time.

Sorry not much help but please don't think there's noone that understands. Bet quite a few mumsnetters have felt the way you do just now.

You need a fantastically funny AIBU thread to cheer you up!

JustFabulous · 28/07/2012 08:10

How do you feel this morning, bf?

GhostShip · 28/07/2012 08:38

YANBU at all.

I've seen you on this forum quite a lot and you come across as a strong well rounded person,, but everyone has their moments when they need to break down and just let down the strong barriers.

I hope you're okay. The beauty of this forum is that there's always someone to talk to even if there's no-one there in person. X

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