To think work or not he could get up once in a while too

[VIX1980]

Our baby is 1 month old, for the first week he was in intensive care so i was kept in hospital with him, the next 2 weeks dp was off work but to be honest was more hindrence than help (both sleep deprived as you'd expect, he told me at 1 point i looked awkward winding the baby, and he always has an opinion on everything to do with him), he started back at work last week, the 1st few nights i said id get up through the night and try and sleep through the day when he sleeps.

so dp went to bed with cotton wool in his ears, it seemed to work and he went to work refreshed in a way, its now 2 weeks later and the cotton wool has stayed, the 1st time he got up to see to the baby crying was this morning at half 4, he obviously wanted his dummy back in but he walked over and said to him, hiya mate, whats up, stroked his hand then got back into bed.

i had to stop myself from getting up and looking for a place to bury him, i know im over tired as im having 4-5 hrs sleep a night, some nights when he comes in from work he'll sit up with him till 11ish while i have a few hours - ive asked him to wait up a bit longer to give him his last bottle at half 11-12 (when he has it this time he sleeps till half 4 then so its not too bad) but he says he wont as he has to get up at 7 to go to work.

last friday i had to ask him to help me again through the night, and ive asked if he would take him out for a walk tomorrow so i can try and get some work done - he rang his mum to ask her to come and take him for a walk!!

yeah hes got work and he does a physically demanding job so not sat at a desk but aibu to think he could still get up once or twice through the week to help me out? its his child aswell which he too often points out when im doing something wrong!

YANBU, not at all

It's not really that big an ask for him to stay up an extra 30 minutes -- that would seem to be the best for both of you, you could both get 7 hours sleep. Instead he gets a full night and you get very little.

He should also help out more on the weekend or whenever he doesn't work.

Try to cut him a bit of slack on not always knowing how to soothe DS, the more he does it the better he will get.

Don't do what I did, which is insist on doing night feeds because my DH was on his feet for work, and then almost having a complete breakdown due to sleep deprivation four months later.

My DH, bless him, insisted on sharing the nights even though he had a physical job. He said it was just as important for me to be rested given I was taking care of our tiny little boy all day.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to not get up, though he should definitely stay up for that last bottle - give it earlier if need be. And he should do some of the night waking on the nights he isn't working the next day, or when you are just completely desperate.

You need to stagger your times, lovvie, otherwise you will both be exhausted.

I'm afraid, work does take precedence especially if using machinery or heavy handling. Accidents happen if you don't have your mind on the job.

Depending on who is the lark and who is the night owl, you really do need to stagger your sleep.

I'm the lark, I used to feed the baby, go to bed at 8, DH would do the next feed at Midnight and go to bed, I would get up at 4 and do the next feed. DH would be up and way to work at 7. That way we both got a good run of 6-7 hours, plus he could cat nap of an evening as well, and I'd nap if I needed to in the day.

he'll sit up with him till 11ish while i have a few hours - ive asked him to wait up a bit longer to give him his last bottle at half 11-12

The baby fits in with your life, not the other way round. Bring his last feed forward to 11.

he does help out more at the weekend although i did have to ask him not go to go out last satrday night as i was completely exhausted, but im doing it alone really day and night and i dont really sleep through the daynso come wednesday im ready to break down.

ive asked him to help out more but his response it to ask for help through the day, the only person i hve to ask who isnt in work is my 86 year old nan!!! im truly ready to leave the nob by thursday and start hating him, then somehow i get a goo sleep on friday night and the next morning im back to my old self

Yanbu at all - he still needs to do his share! Wouldn't work for everyone but we do this:
Mon - thurs I do night waking unless dp heard first and I pretend to be asleep then he does Fri night. I get up early and take ds down so that he gets a lie in. I do sat night and dp gets up early Sunday so I get a lie in. Only fair really!

You both have a newborn. Work is not a get out of jail free card. Definitely try the staggering, it sounds like your baby has a good schedule for it.

You will get better at sleeping during the day too, it takes a while to get used to it.

Me and dh had a deal when our dd was born. I would get up during the week when he had work the next day, and he would get up as and when I needed/wanted him to during the weekend.
I cannot imagine having a full time physical job and having to get up numerous times during the night on a work night.
I think yab a little bit u.
I'm guessing single parents have no choice but to do every night feed themselves?
I think you definitely need to organise some kind of schedule between you and your dp. maybe one similar to doublecake.
I hope you get some rest soon.

Oh I feel for you. No matter how prepared you are no one can understand how tired you can get when you have a baby. I remember sobbing with my first because not only was I so tired that I felt half dead but that there appeared to be no end to it. REMEMBER this doesn't go on for ever - it just feels that way at the moment. If baby is being bottle fed then Dad can definately help but I found the best way was to sort it all out beforehand like Doublecake suggested above. That way you don't have to do that horrible pretending to be asleep thing whilst getting madder and madder. I remember falling back into bed in the middle of the night so tired but then being unable to sleep because a horrible little voice in my head said "there's no point going back to sleep because you will have to get up again soon". I also made the stupid mistake of trying to do too much if I did get enough sleep, rather than putting my feet up for an hour.

Good luck! It will get better.

I bf my DS so had no choice but to be the only person who got up during night to do feeds. However, DH would get up when DS wasn't hungry but crying or needed his nappy changed.

I was at home all day and DH was getting up for work, but he acknowledged that DS was responsibility of both of us.

I don't think your DP is acting this way because he doesn't love you or to upset you, just that he doesn't really 'get' what it is he needs to do yet. Is hard to know how to settle a crying newborn, I still sometimes don't know what to do when 2.5 year old DS wakes up crying at night!

Perhaps your DP could help out more with things when he is around - such as bathing baby or doing other feeds. Just to give you some time to doze on sofa or rest a bit in the shower. Your baby is still very young, will take a while to get into the swing of routine for you all.

Im sorry but he sounds like a twat. Yes ok he works which is fair enough but by the sounds of things he doesnt work a weekend & when he was asked to take the baby for a walk on a saturday his response was to phone his mother & get her to do it.

You need to be a bit firm with him. Sit him down & discuss what you want each other to do regarding your baby.

Once my DS moved from bf to ff, DH would often give last bottle during the week while I had an early night, and Friday night's always been his night! From bedtime Friday to whenever I choose to put in an appearance Saturday morning, DS is entirely DH's responsibility. The only time that changes is now I'm back at work, if I'm working a weekend day we alternate who gets the lie in week to week. It took DH some getting his head around - that while he was at work, I was working looking after DS (and was also working all night too, especially while still bf) therefore when he wasn't at work, we shared the 'work' of childcare equally.

Our baby is 6 weeks old.

The way we do it is I do most night feeds as I tend to be more sensitive to hearing him however if I am seriously knackered or can't be bothered (!) I nudge dh and he sees to him... Dh is actually always telling me I annoy him by not getting him up MORE! (He wants to be involved). He works full time shift work.

At the weekends I tend to go up about 10 and take ds up with me and then dh brings him down in the mornings so I can sleep... Although to be honest I tend to get up early too.

The biggest thing I do is just hand ds over to dh and sod off out / go for a shower etc when I feel like it. I don't ask permission I just say "I'm having a shower" and go... (Or a walk etc). Dh is fine with this and its something we said we would both do. Of course neither of us take the piss and vanish for hours (although I wish I could sometimes take a detour in the woods for 3 days!)

I think you need to speak to dh / dp and sort something out. I would bet that as you suggested him putting cotton wool in those early nights its probably set some sort of status quo in his head.

I also think you just need to be more forceful- just hand him the baby and say "I'm going for a sleep / shower" etc. Its his baby too, he's not babysitting.

YANBU but do move the last evening feed to 11.

I went back to work when DS was 8 months old and still waking up to be BF 5-6 times a night. Yes it was exhausting but you do what needs to be done to keep eachother sane. Driving/operating machinery while sleep deprived is dangerous. Looking after a tiny baby while so crying from exhaustion is also dangerous. Shaking/accidents/falling asleep with them on the sofa all far more likely to happen.

Yanbu looking after a baby is just as tiring as working. When he gets back from work he should be doing 50% of the childcare.

Thanks for all your messages, I dont expect him to get up every single night feed or every single night even, but it would be nice to have him see to the baby once or twice through the week at night, just so i can get a good few hours instead of waking every so often as im really struggling right now. i know tonight he will look after the baby, tomorrow he will get up with him so i can have a lie in, plus im self employed so i need to work at the weekends when he can look after him, then we share it saturday night and sunday i get up with him so he can have a lie in, then sunday we share it also, come sunday night though its back to me alone, all will be fine and it will get to tuesday and he'll say something stupid and in my sleep deprived state imagine it to be a million times worse than it is so i start hating him then which builds and lasts until the friday.

i hate feeling like this but if i had a break for a few more hours to get me through the week, yeah id still be a bit tired but not to this extent where i want to rip everyones head off!, i will deifntaley try talking to him when he gets home, i cant go onl like this!

No you can't! It's hard, isn't it.

What do you think about the staggering? That really seems your best bet, then you can both get decent sleep I think.

"he rang his mum to ask her to come and take him for a walk" which presumably she did with bells on?
I agree with most of the posters above, move the feed, get yourself to bed nice and early and leave him to it with the baby. An 11pm feed is not unreasonable if he doesn't get up until 7 for work.
He is working though and you are not so I don't think it is reasonable to expect someone to get up in the middle of the night and still go out and bring home the bacon so to speak. I'm back at work and over that stage and it is utterly shattering when you do have to get up at 4am occasionally. We both work though so it was a nasty shock to his system when he had to stir himself once I was back

Mostly I would just sit him down and tell him you are utterly, utterly exhausted and ready to walk. Have a little cry if necessary but don't be accusatory and start a row - it won't help.
Just say that you really need more help from him and exactly what would be a huge help. Men are imo, totally blind most of the time and need to have things spelled out.
I do think it is difficult for most men to bond with a v small baby - lets face it, they are quite boring (if precious) and until they get enough practise at settling and feeding them it's quite intimidating with you, the expert about. Far easier just to leave you to it.
Bargain for a weekend lie in or a few hours to yourself. Best not to be precious if he wants the security of his mum around for the walk provided you can get rid of her afterwards, but just make the odd joke about needing his mum :)

Oh god id love to make a joe about his mum but it really wouldnt go down well at the moment, she told me on wednesday i had lost a lot of baby weight but stil had quite a few pounds to go and not too be too disheartened as it had taken her 2 years, and she didnt get 1 stretch mark - shes marvellous isnt she!

exactly what a new sleep deprived mum needs who only gave birth a month ago! Anyway ive now been child free for the past few hours and loving it, ive took to my bed done a bit of shopping on the internet and had a good catch up with my aunty, ive not slept but even having a bit of time to myself i feel o much more relaxed already. I will try the staggering thing though, im more an early bird anyway so used to going to bed early and getting up early while hes the opposite, i told him though i need just a bit more help through the week, im trying to do it all as he is going to work each day, and also let him have a bit of time to himself, but ive done 2 full weeks day and night and i know its not the life for me. staggering will certainly help as we can both have time to ourselves, plus sleep, plus get to see the baby at our best, so fingers crossed this next week will be better.

i just pray to god he doesnt mention to his mum tomorrow how i struggled the past week or ill be spending the next few days staying out of the house to avoid her coming to "help me out". her helping me out usually involves trying to do our washing with a ciggy hanging out her mouth so i always discover burns in come clothes, or cleaning up by throwing bleach all over the floor then mopping it all up!