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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about birthday present suggestions

20 replies

patosullivan · 26/07/2012 22:52

DS's first birthday is coming up. My parents have asked me what I think DS would like for his birthday. It's normal for my family to ask each other this sort of question in the run up to birthdays and Christmas.

I mentioned this to DH, along with a few ideas for things DS might like from my parents, and apparently my family are all bonkers Hmm

DH feels that telling people what to buy DS is rude, will remove all the fun and excitement from the occasion, and furthermore, if you know someone well, you shouldn't need pointers in order to find a present they'll like.
So me telling my parents what I think DS would like is bonkers Hmm

I feel that DH's approach is a bit hit and miss to say the least, and can easily result in people getting presents they hate, or things they already own. And surely most people want the receipent to like their birthday present?

DH's family tend to follow DH's favoured 'don't ask, and buy something we think they'll like' school of present buying, and we've had some very odd (and unwanted) things from them over the years. Top prize going to DSil for her present to DH on his 30th birthday. She bought him a sellotape dispenser, that was shaped like a naked man with the sellotape coming out of his penis Confused

So, anyway, AIBU to tell my parents what kind of toys I think DS would like for his birthday?

OP posts:
RubyFakeNails · 26/07/2012 22:56

YANBU this is completely normal in my family. Particularly in regards to asking parents what a child would like. Surely it's better to get something they really want if you aren't sure.

I don't ask every time, if I see something suitable I will just buy that but I normally check or ask if I'm stuck.

Noqontrol · 26/07/2012 22:57

Yes if they asked you then tell them, obviously. No point in them wasting their money on something that isnt wanted.

DeWe · 26/07/2012 23:02

Dh's family do ask and we've had some seriously wierd/inappropriate things from certain members of it. My family doesn't tend to ask, and on the whole gets something reasonable.

I tend to go for a general thing, unless there's something very precise. So I might say lego, or dolls accessories, or winter coat. So they get a choice and it's not "might as well buy it myself".

SummerRain · 26/07/2012 23:03

My mother always asks and it means the kids get stuff they want or need and my mom is happy too. She even checks with me if she's buying something spontaneously to give them for christmas to make sure I approve/they don't already have it/they'd like it/etc.

It means if they badly need clothes I can ask for those, but if there's a toy they really want but we aren't getting them she can pick that up... everyone is happy

dp's mother sends money, nice as that is it does mean the kids have very little that they think of as coming from that side of the family which is a bit sad, especially as they don't see them often. Yes they like spending their money but tbh it could be coming from us for all they know, there's no thought there at all.

oreocrumbs · 26/07/2012 23:03

Both sides of our family ask what DD wants. Or say "I have been thinking of getting her X, what do you think?"

I know they would rather get something that will be used. Its also quite handy for keeping things under control. As an example I bought DD a kitchen for christmas, and my parents bought her some pans and PIL bought play food. That way she ended up with a complete set rather that a few bits of this and that.

I think there is a difference between going to people and asking them to get things for your children, and offering advice if they ask.

I always ask people as I haven't got a clue what 8 yr olds are into, or what they already have!

Gentleness · 26/07/2012 23:07

I so sympathise. We were asked by both sets of parents for Christmas present ideas, so emailed out some, emphasising that it wasn't a wish list. They all ignored my suggestions and the email in such a way that I felt I'd been pushy. I put down on the list what we had/were planning to get too, so there wouldn't be any cross-over there and spent a fair time trying to get my suggestions reasonable given the VERY different attitudes to present-buying between my parents and the in-laws and the low-level "rivalry" about who got what. I don't know what I'll do if asked again but am so tempted to ask whether the list was actually any use last time.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that YANBU - lists are a great idea, but don't expect them to be referred to anyway!

defineme · 26/07/2012 23:07

Mil wants me to give her description, shop and price for all 3 kids and tbh would prefer it if I bought it and she gave me the money. She would like me to produce an xmas and birthday list for myslef and dh as well as kids.

On a good and kind day I think it's because she's so insecure she's too anxious to just get what she thinks.

On an unkind day I just think she's a lazy bugger with no imagination...

2tired2bewitty · 26/07/2012 23:07

Both sides of our family ask, but DH is oddly reluctant to give specifics, so around christmas I end up running three mental lists (one for me, him and DD) and trying to remember who I've suggested what to.

froggies · 26/07/2012 23:23

I usually get asked, and usually by email, so I send the list by reply to the usual people who buy for them (grand parents and my sister), it works really well, and no-one seems offended. I have had some very odd presents sent by DS's GP's to DD's as I do not include them on the list for DD's, think that would be rude, but it is very sweet they still send pressies even though they are not actually related. My dad tends to ask me to send the Amazon link so that he can have it gift wrapped and sent direct!

the only sticking point has been with recent exp, he told me what dd1 wanted for bd, then went and bought the lot without any discussion on who should get what and then deliberately doubled up on a bike for Her for Christmas; would have been sensible if we didn't live next door to each other.

LindyHemming · 26/07/2012 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenisVanLesbian · 26/07/2012 23:59

They are no less right than you are, its just a different way.

Personally I think suggesting to people what to buy is incredibly rude unless they have asked you (in which case its fine).

whois · 27/07/2012 07:46

YANBU - my family always ask who would like what! Seems a sensible way, avoids getting things you don't like or need or the wrong size etc.

Have you see all the 'family member pressie to my PFB isn't exactly what I wanted for PFB and now I'm being a loon and causing a big family fall out' threads!?

holyfishnets · 27/07/2012 07:59

In all families I know the parents are asked what the kids would like. My mum does this and it's great. Infact we use various relatives money contributions to buy a larger items like a bike. My MIL never asked for years and we just got loads of unwanted stuff that we just passed on to charity shops or friends. It was such a waste and quite sad really as she had no idea what my kids liked.

holyfishnets · 27/07/2012 08:03

Once of the nicest things is that my DS has been able to get a series of books he has wanted desperately but would never have been able to afford. Various family members bought him a different book in the series. Inexpensive for family but deeply appreciated.

PurplePidjin · 27/07/2012 08:21

Wow, i never realised how badly i was insulting my SIL by asking what she thought would be suitable and appropriate for her children Hmm

Mind you, i don't think she realises she's been insulted either, judging by how she tells me she appreciates the consideration :o

Totally normal to give guidance when asked. It's only rude if the giver hasn't asked first!

OddBoots · 27/07/2012 08:24

How much of a role does your dh take in choosing thoughtful birthday and Christmas gifts for others?

Gettheetoanunnery · 27/07/2012 08:45

My family all ask as well, either that or they'll say "I was thinking of getting x y z for ds, what do you think?". Most of the time I'll just agree with whatever they say unless it's not suitable or someone else is getting it.

It makes more sense I think. I'd much rather spend money on something that I know is going to be wanted than waste it on a total guess.

If its normal for your family then just ignore DH.

WildWorld2004 · 27/07/2012 09:34

My family always dicuss with each other what we are buying. There is a lot of us so it means u wont get the same thing & also u get what u want. Isnt that just being sensible.

Original poster
patosullivan · 27/07/2012 10:06

Thanks for replies Smile

I'm going to give my parents some suggestions (as they requested!)

I think I'll also have to work on convincing DH that asking people what they might like is not completely bizarre. Not entirely sure how!

OP posts:
LoveHandles88 · 27/07/2012 11:14

My husband is the same. I however write a suggestions list, and send it to all that ask, and then further emails to inform people of what has already been bought from the list. It is not a shopping list, it just helps people have some idea of the things that our dd is into, and people can use it as inspiration or instruction, whichever.
My dh thinks it is like a list of demands, and rude.
YANBU imo. Hope your ds has a lovely time on his birthday and receives lots of exciting presents!!

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