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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop my DD going to a party when I know she intends to drink at 16

46 replies

skyblue11 · 26/07/2012 21:37

She left her ipod messages open and she lied to me saying she was staying at a friends house this saturday night when she's going to overnight at some boys house who I don't know and she intends to get drunk....she's not used to alcohol so I'm worried...

OP posts:

Original poster

skyblue11 · 26/07/2012 21:55

I'm not naive enough to think it will happen sometime soon, I just feel let down about where she's staying the night without telling me.

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KellyElly · 26/07/2012 21:57

Is she nearer to 17 than 15? If so she should be treated as a young woman and should not expect to have her private messages read by her mother and be entitled to be treated like the young woman she is. If she's just turned 16 then it's a bit different however I still think you invaded her privacy by reading her personal messages and this kind of behavior does not show trust and explains why she feels the reason to lie.

Original poster

skyblue11 · 26/07/2012 21:59

Thank you complexnumber, it's a difficult one, I don't ever want to stop her doing anything I remember being 16, I am just sad about the staying at friends routine thinking I'd fall for it!

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maybenow · 26/07/2012 22:02

i'd let her go to the party but insist she comes home. i think all kids are going to try drinking between 16 and 18 but if they have to face their parents at the end of the night it will hopefully make them drink more sensibly.

maybenow · 26/07/2012 22:03

oh, and i also wouldn't admit to reading the messages. just say you've thought about it and you want her to come home by midnight.

Original poster

skyblue11 · 26/07/2012 22:03

She is treated like a young woman, she has been at a music festival in the city for the last few days, and I would never want to stop her, the message was an uncomfortable for me she has loads of privacy, I just sensed her uneasiness and it was left open on her bed at the convo she'd just had, unlocked, so I wasn't really surprised at what I read, she just turned 16 btw. I do feel bad tho...

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Original poster

skyblue11 · 26/07/2012 22:06

Do you think I should say that either she's picked up or home by 11pm with her friend or she can't go? I have never said no to anything before been maybe a bit too liberal but the fact that he'd invited some to stay....and she obviously won't want me to see her drunk will she but downside is she won't want to be a party pooper and not drink

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Birdsgottafly · 26/07/2012 22:07

I thought for a moment that you were the mother of one of my DD friends, until you said that her friend had to lie about her where abouts.

Does she lie because you are being to restrictive?

I think that the more open you are with your teens, the more honest that they will be and you can help them to protect themselves.

I am the one that my DD's friends talk to, i have taken some of them to the sexual health clinics, the less that you can talk to them about adult matters, the more mistakes they will make.

Original poster

skyblue11 · 26/07/2012 22:08

That's the thing, her friend who encouraged her to lie knows that we know she lies to hers and she laughs about it!
BTW I am never restrictive at all, this would be a first. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.

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cardibach · 26/07/2012 22:09

I agree with others. Drinking at 16 is not too much of a worry as long as she has a sensible attitude. Staying at a boy's house after a party with half the school: no problem. Lying about the above: bad. THat's waht would make me say no party (and probably other sanctions, too). However, you seem to think she wanted to be found out. In which case, she wants you to say no. DO that and leave it at that.

honeytea · 26/07/2012 22:12

in less than 2 years she could be in a uni dorm at the other end of the country, or in a youth hostal on the other side of the world.

I guess it's better that she makes any mistakes she will make when she is so close to home?

I'm not amum to a teanager yet, I would want her to stay in and watch dvd's with me, but that isn't very realistic!

Birdsgottafly · 26/07/2012 22:12

What part about her drinking worries you?

My DD has been drinking since 14, i allowed her to in moderation, at 16 she can take it or leave it and her or her friends that are allowed freedom, never put themselves at risk.

My eldest at 26 is the same, not a big drinker, her night is more about having a dance.

Original poster

skyblue11 · 26/07/2012 22:16

Well she has the odd glass or two with us since being maybe 14 but always under our supervision....I am just worried she doesns't know her limits and could die by choking on her own vomit in her sleep....you mind runs into overdrive!
Point taken about uni....it's just really hard being a parent isn't it?

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ravenAK · 26/07/2012 22:17

I think you need to think through the fact that, at 16, you can't really stop her. If you tell her she's not going & she says 'Yes, I am, actually' - then what?

I think I'd be having a chat about how worried you are that she lied & that you really DO need to know where she is.

& a chat about the possible issues she might encounter re: alcohol she's not used to, & staying at boys' houses, & how she could deal with them (ie. if she needs to ring you in the silly hours to collect her, this would be preferable to her being stuck in a dodgy situation).

RubyFakeNails · 26/07/2012 22:18

I would just be annoyed with the lying because we don't restrict Dd1 at all so there is no need for her to lie and being unnecessarily deceitful is a completely futile destruction of our trust.

I would let her go but make the point that lying is not ok.

Original poster

skyblue11 · 26/07/2012 22:18

Raven, you're totally right

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jellybeans · 26/07/2012 22:25

I'm in the same boat. I usually let DD (almost 16) go as she is always honest and doing great at school. I know they drink on occasion and she only got in trouble when she lied about it and was hanging round streets. All DD's friends with very strict parents lie because they aren't allowed to do anything so I am glad she is honest but it is hard.

thebody · 26/07/2012 22:27

You know what op you just have to let them go on a long leash and just hope that they come back unscathed.

My oldest are lads 23 and 21 and we had just same, my girls are 12 and 13 and I am gearing up to another few years of worry and nerves.

And we have had enough of that anyway this year..

If you want a tranquil life don't have kids...

smoggii · 26/07/2012 22:31

I think you should come clean that you saw the message, you're her mother not her friend and she was prepared to breach your trust so you were right to check on her.

Tell her it concerns you taht she intended to lie but acknowledge that you know it to be out of charachter.

Talk about the risks of drinking too much but tell her you are not trying to clip her wings and she can go to the party but you will be there to pick her up at x o'clock and you expect her to come without argument. Her friend can come too for a sleepover if she wants or not if she doesn't. And consider taking her for breakfast the next day for a debrief!

Tell her if she feels ill or if she is concerned about her safety or the behaviour of the boys she can call you and you will come and get her.

If all goes well on this night you will consider additional requests throughout the summer but if she doesn't stick to the rules she's got a long miserable summer coming.

KellyElly · 26/07/2012 22:51

skyblue11 I wouldn't be too worried you have been too free with her - the fact she's concerned herself shows she isn't a wild crazy teen like I was and that she will be fairly sensible. She has been allowed some freedom so will not be like a crazed animal necking a bottle of vodka and choaking on her own vomit. Maybe get her to agree to call you at certain times and then just let her enjoy herself. She's at the age now where she is becoming a young adult and as hard as it is you have to trust her and let her do what 16 year olds do. don't get too caught up with the lying thing, people are overreacing to this - all teenagers do this at some point especially if they think they are not going to be allowed to do what they want. I think some posters have forgotten what it's like to be that age - not a child, not an adult etc. I'm still young enough to remember!

Annunziata · 26/07/2012 22:59

I would be very upset with the lying. However- you snooped through her phone. Not cool at all, and she will not be happy about it, which puts your conversation on the wrong track straight away.

I would ask for her to come back home. Tell her you'll book her a taxi or wait in the next street.

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