to think my parents are being 'odd'?

[fufflebum]

Parents moved to the town we live 6 months ago and have settled well, lovely house, lovely neigbours etc. Their reasons were to be closer to the grand kids. However, since they have been here they rarely see them, ironically they used to spend longer with them (once per week for a whole day) before they moved.

I have said this tactfully to my father but could not really talk about it openly with my mum (she gets upset and takes anything as a personal criticism- which I suppose it is).

If we visit the kids ask to leave after about 20 mins which I find a bit embarrassing TBH.

I feel disappointed as there seemed to be lots of 'promises' made on their part and none of them fulfilled. For example buying the kids a trampoline (they haven't) having them over to stay (they haven't) taking my son fishing (suprise, suprise no show on this one)

I have invited them up for dinner, and drop round to see them several times per week with the kids but it all seems to be a bit one sided. I saw my mum last Friday and we all went out for a meal and have not heard a thing since, she acknowledged the kids are on holiday now and lots of kisses and cuddles but then has not spoken to them since (despite promising to ring!)

Has anyone else been in this position? I think it is a bit odd when they have been so keen to move etc etc.

TIA....

How old are your kids? If they're opening saying that they're bored and want to leave then perhaps your parents have decided to take a bit of a back seat. Maybe they're assuming that the kids will want to see friends in the holidays?

Have they moved from far away? Are they generally active people? It could be that they're still settling into a routine in the new town with new friends/neighbours/clubs.

It could be anything really! If your mum gets upset when you ask I'd just continue to suggest nice things to do together. You can't force them but perhaps they're not wanting to intrude too much if your children are growing up?

It's hard to know without asking outright if there's a problem or whether they're just busier now!

I wonder if they're worried about keep 'crashing' you and are waiting to be told to pop in anytime or waiting for an invite. Are they busy in their new house?

Maybe the parents feel you want too much of their time. They may want to see you all less often. Might be just who they are.

Thanks for replies. To answer a few questions...

Parents not highly active, sociable people with many friends therefore moving was not going to mean leaving behind hoards of friends. However they are good company. Kids are infant school age. They do make friends but are not pub people more of a cup of tea and a chat.

Parents have been bickering, each complains of the other tbh, can see both points of view (they should have separated years ago but that is another story!)

I have suggested coming to things with us, olympic events, jubilee things, carnivals etc all of which declined (although they have gone to other related stuff on their own eg olympic torch came to our town, they declined invite with us and then the following day when it visited town 5 miles away!!!

Bit confused.....

Hmm maybe just leave it for a while. I understand that it's confusing and a bit hurtful that they don't want to do things with your family, but maybe as someone said they don't want to intrude too much on your family life.

If they've been bickering a lot recently perhaps they're trying to enjoy each others' company again? It's difficult but if they won't speak to you about it there's not a lot you can do other than make sure they know they're very welcome at yours and to any events you suggest.

I wonder if you take your mum for a coffee to a nice cafe; just the two of you and ask her if the move has been all she expected.

Try not to mention what you've noticed she might be too sensitive not to take offence.

She might be more relaxed without the kids around.

I think I'd probably also leave it and just see how it plays out.

I'd be keeping an ear out for future broken promises though. I really don't like it when people do that!

Thanks for replies.

The coffee and chat with mum on her own sounds like a possibility, may have to wait until after school hols now though!

Could you find a reason why it would "be really nice" if they could have one of the dc's (older one better) for a half day. Maybe the other one is going to a friends, and you need to buy df present or something like that. Or on the trampoline front, maybe you've a friend/seen a special offer are they interested?

How old are the dc?

Do they say openly that they're bored and want to go home? If they do then I can imagine your dp don't want to have them. Not because they don't like the dc, but more that they're worried that the dc won't like it and it'll be hard. If you can come up with something they can enjoy together then I think they'll feel more comfortable about having them over.

How old are your parents? Could they have moved to be nearer you, so you can help them as they get older?

That's what I thought Heath.

you can't fix your parents. you have to let them muddle along in their broken state.
my daughter told me that.

Ooo EK! lovebunny

Dunno.

A few thoughts...

Perhaps the move took it out of them more than they expected? 6 months isn't all that long and moving can be really stressful.

If they are bickering perhaps they weren't equally keen on the move and are still resolving this/needing time to make it work for them as a couple??

Perhaps you are bringing the children round a bit too frequently ('several times a week' sounds quite a lot!) - could you try to find out from them what their ideal amount of contact would be?

Sort of similar thing here. Parents moved closer, now half an hour away (used to be an hour). Were planning on seeing them more often, but not materialised really. I think the first 6 months were certainly taken with unpacking and sorting the house out, getting used to a new place (different supermarkets etc). You can't underestimate how hard it is to get your head round these things when you're in your 60's. New people, neighbours, town, routines (the bin day is different!). Not to be patronising, but it does seem to have absorbed a lot of their focus.

I've also found they've taken up a fair few interests (voluntary work, choir, a new kitten), not spent any holidays with us (they have several a year, usually one with us) so they seem to be have taken this opportunity to get a bit of a 'new life'. Part of me feels a bit hurt because I thought they wanted to spend more time with me and the kids, but part of me is glad they are enjoying these years, getting as much in as possible, having fun with each other, and being as independent as possible, because who knows how long it will last....

Advice would be: try and make your Mum and Dad feel as welcome as possible (sounds like you are), but if they choose to do other stuff then try and be glad for them and encourage them in new interests/ spending time with each other etc.

Thanks for replies.

Took the bull by the horns and invited them for Sunday lunch, they seemed genuinely pleased TBH. I made a semi sarcastic comment about thought I ought to ring as thought they may have been eaten by dogs and they both said that they did not want to intrude on our busy lives!!! Seemed genuine enough.

Will see what happens in the next few weeks and I hope that some effort is made on their part if I try and keep doors open.

Tricky though as it does feel like I am doing all the running at the moment.......

Bless them!! They do not want to intrude. That explains it all, except the lack of promised trampoline!!

sorry, got muddles with anothre thread, I think!!

Oh no, I didn't!! I am sunburnt and hot and bothered!! That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!!