... to get envious of other women's pregnancies?

[RuthlessBaggage]

Brief history:

DH and I always planned three, reasonably close together to minimise time out of work.

DS1, now 4.

When we started ttc#2, DH got cold feet. I lost a cp days later. Then a mmc at ten weeks.

DS2, now 15m, "still" bf 4-8 times a day.

Technically we have been ttc#3 since Christmas, but my cycle has not returned. Every time we dtd I mentally calculate nine months ahead and angstangstangst about the total age gap (ds1 to dc3). I am getting closer and closer to the deadline I set myself for not trying any more.

And I see a lot of bumps, as I am involved in a volunteer position with pg women in the local community. Every time I see a woman with a bump and a small age gap (that is, someone with a DS2-aged child and a bump, or two children within two years, or three within three) I get absolutely raging envy.

I know IABU to whinge about fertility when I have two children already, but am I the world's most ungrateful hag, or just a normal crazy ttcer?

-bracing self for storm of YABU responses-

"normal crazy ttcer"

I've started to feel a pining towards women with bumps. I think a little jealously is a normal human emotion when we see others with things we want. You sound very self aware of it all so I doubt you're on the verge of turning into an ungrateful hag or crazy.

Hope it happens for you soon, enjoy what you have in the meantime though. Cliche but they're only little once.

I'm not ttc and actually think I don't want any more but still get jealous over other people's pregnancies and newborns.

I think you need to find some distance about ttc. It (3 lovely kids) is a great life goal, but you need more than thing in life to look forward to & want & plan for. Because so much of life is never going to turn out how you would ideally like.

Not the preganancy (I hated being pregnant) but I really really want another baby now.

I'm almost 33, single and there isn't even a sniff of a bloke but oh god do I want another baby. I even have names how bad is that!!!

I guess YANBU, as you can't really control your feelings.
But, and I hope this doesn't sound harsh because I'm not trying to denigrate your feelings or belittle them, maybe you should try and focus on how lucky you are?
Fundamentally, a small age gap is a luxury. Some people would be grateful for any child, whatever the gap, because they live every day knowing they probably won't get pregnant this month, this year, nor indeed this decade. I am one of those people, and I know there is no misery competion about who has is the hardest, but maybe try to keep this in mind?
Sorry if I'm coming over as preachy, feel free to ignore!

Don't worry about the gap! Mine have almost 6yrs between each of them. It's just the way it went.

My next door neighbour has a 4yo, an 18 month old and a huge bump. l'm not jealous, she looks fekkin knackered!

Relax and enjoy the kids you have.

Thanks all. I know it is a luxurious whinge.

it (3 lovely kids) is a great life goal, but you need more than thing in life to look forward to & want & plan for.

Ouch. Hadn't realised quite how much I'm putting my life on hold, but donteatthevoleskids has hit the nail on the head here.

I think YABU as you are still BFing 4-8 times a day which is clearly leading to sub-fertility, so I think you need to accept that the trade off of extended breastfeeding is that its probably going to take longer to conceive.

Whilst I am very pro-breastfeeding I think you need to decide what is more important - continuing to breastfeed your 15 month old or getting pregnant.

I have bigger gaps 2.5 years and then 4 years so personally I'd prioritise the breastfeeding but if a smaller gap is very important then maybe you need to reassess.

I don't want anymore (have 5DC, 4 in 5 years and 1 after a gap) but I sometimes envy those who breeze through pregnancies.I had 4 pregnancies (1 was twins) that ended well albeit the twins had a horrific birth where me and second twin almost died and spent a few days apart not knwoing if he would make it or be brain damaged. Then I lost 4 babies; 2 were after 20 weeks and were horrific experiences that leave permanent scars. I can deal with pregnancy etc now (since having healthy DC5) but sometimes envy the naivity that many women have. Yet I understand them because you have to think positive and I was the same once. I was desperate for DC5 after both late losses and felt so cheated when babies the DDs that we lost age were around-even now it can be very painful. So I know how the desperation feels, it sucks. YANBU but unfortunately life doesn't always work the way we want. Bigger gaps can be nice too (my gap would have been much smaller but it took a while to ttc after losing DD4)

I got a bit obsessed with the age gap between my DD and my next child. In my case, it was because we HAD what I regarded as the perfect age gap between DD and DS, but then DS died at six hours old, and it's taken us a long time to conceive again.

But now I'm thinking that it's good that DD is going to be a bit older. My friend said to me that whatever age gap we have will be the right one for our family - and she's absolutely right.

Life isn't simple - and it doesn't turn out the way you plan. Try to get things in perspective and see your third child for what it is - a privilege and a bonus.

I don't think YABU at all. It took me three years to conceive DS2, and by the end of that time I was muttering "Bitch!" under my breath every time I saw a pregnant woman. You seem positively tame in comparison!

I got my three children eventually, but it took me ten years to do it. Not at all what I had planned, but it worked out beautifully anyway - the larger age gaps have been rather lovely as it happens, and I am grateful for them now. Enjoy what fate bestows on you (I know it's easier said than done), hope that you might be lucky again, but don't get hung-up on the age gap - you won't care about that once you're holding another baby in your arms.

Tbh 4-8 times a day isn't that much bfing, well not enough to stop ovulation in all women but it might impact on a small number of women (see LAM method of contraception for details).

A short break from bfing rather than full weaning can kick start cycles again (overnight break or night weaning) so a short weekend away may be a good idea to see if that helps. Kellymom.com has lots of info on bfing and fertility if you wanted to read up on it.

I conceived DD3 while bfing DD1 & DD2 approx 20 times a day inc night feeds as DD2 didn't night wean until about 16m (and no I don't know quite how we found the time!), they were 33m & 13m old when I got pg. I also got pg with DD2 while DD1 was on upwards of 12 feeds a day inc 4 night feeds when she was 11m, I night weaned her at 12m so I could get pg but then found out I already was

I'm not an overly fertile person either as it took 5 cycles to get pg with DD1 and I wasn't bfing anyone then, I also had undiagnosed endometriosis (sp?) since my teen years which wasn't found out about until the Drs realised the excruciating pain I was having in pg was scar tissue tearing on my womb ligaments as they stretched with DD1's growth. Fun times.

Good luck with TTC.

Chill about the age gap... There is over 10 year between me and my older sibling (full sibling and natural conception) and we have always got on v well. You have different relationships than if your age gap is super close, but that is still valid and valuable.

truthsweet - but the OP said that her cycles have not returned so its likely the BFing is affecting this. As you say some people very fertile when BFing older babies others less so: eg my sister in law did extended breastfeeding and no contraception - 2 year gap between her first 2 and 3 year gap between number 2 and 3.

Yes I did read that - so I suggested she look into ways of kick starting cycles without needing to fully wean (unless she wants to of course). There is lots on info on maintaining bfing and getting pg out there, Dispelling Breastfeeding Myths has some on her blog I believe (may also be fertility treatments & bfing info too).

LAM is only ~98% effective if baby is feeding every 4 hours in the day and 6 hours at night, bfing must be exclusive or near exclusive (ritual foods/fluids excepted) AND baby must be under 6m, OP only fulfils one of those criteria (feeding 4-8 times a day) so it probably wouldn't take much to resume cycles or even catch the first egg out before a period assuming no other issues halting periods/ovulation.

Luteal phases also have an effect on fertility so you may resume periods early post birth but not be able to actually implant a fertilised egg as it is released too late in the cycle which is why some mothers have big gaps between children even when cycles are up and running.

Other things can have an effect on lack of periods, hormones (barring prolactin and oxytocin), nutritional status, gynae problems (PCOS, premature menopause, etc), thyroid problems (common-ish post pregnancy), etc so it's worth checking out other things as well as looking at how bfing may or may not affect fertility.

Relax about the age gap, I have 16mnths between ds and dd and fucking hell its hard, even now at 5yo and 3.8yo. I'd never ever recomend that age gap. I'm expecting dc 3 and they will be 5.5 and 4,1 when this one arrives, and its far easier being pregnant and planning how life/routine will work. They're wonderful children just very full on and both talk too much.

jealousy is a natural human emotion YANBU

Ah, YANBU, OP. I understand completely how you feel. YAB a bit irrational, but I only say that as I have been there myself. DP and I have been TTC for a long time. DP's brother and his wife decided to announce their PG exactly two weeks to the day after I had my last MC (in 2010). I bloody hated them. Hated seeing DP's SIL, with her bump, and maternity clothes, and her pregnancy glow and her excitement about giving birth. Yes, that makes me sound like a bitter bitch, but that is just how I felt at the time.

Then, the morning that they had their baby (when mine should have been a newborn), DP's brother insisted that we visited them in hospital, and when we arrived, thrust this 6 hours old daughter into my arms. I was shaking so hard from trying not to break down in tears, I could barely hold her. This was after DP's Mother spent a good hour forcing photographs of her in my face. Still fucking angry about this.

Sorry, went off on a total tangent there, and made it all about me . I guess this is an emotive issue for me. Essentially though, YANBU. And YANBU to 'whinge', and you are not an 'ungrateful hag'. It is bloody tough. All I could do was to try not to obsess over it, and not see it as another PG woman 'stealing' my pregnancy. The 'how can she be pregnant when I'm not' was where I was becoming irrational. Best of luck with the TTC, OP. Hope it goes well for you, and that you get the baby that you long for.

It's OK to change your mind about deadlines you set yourself. You didn't have all the information (e.g. about your fertility taking longer than you expected to return) when you made your original decision.

YANBU - However, I am very happy to stop at two and feel very blessed (knackered)

The last thing I feel when I see other pregnant women is jealousy. I'm more inclined to be very glad it's not me!!

Having said that, I do understand how you feel if you do want another and I'm sure you'll have another on the way before long.