AIBU about my mum

[lazycoconutree]

I have an 'amazing' relationship with my mum.
Both she and my dad dote on dc.

So to my issue.
We live very far from each other, and for the last 10 years or so I have mainly been the one to go see and spend time with my parents.
They have come out to visit me twice, once when dd1 was a young and the second time when dd2 was born.

So I and dc basically get to see my parents once a year for 2-3 weeks at a time.
As my dc get older I see that their relationship with my parents is becoming more distant. When they spend time together it's brilliant my parents are amazing with dc and they all have such a good time together. But for the rest of the year my parents by virtue of distance don't play a part in dc lives.

I'm starting to feel really resentful and really sad about this.
I would love my children to have my parents in their lives.. But it feels like I have to do this on their terms.

They won't come to spend time with me for various reasons eg dad working, my granny was ill, my sister needed their help (my sister always needs their help and her needs always come before mine, but that's a whole separate issue!)

I feel that they dont believe I need or want their support and that's not true.
I've tried discussing this with my mum and it quickly becomes an emotional drama.
I thought i was ok with this dynamic but when I was discussing my annual trip to see my parents this year, my mum said how hurt she was that we couldn't spend more then 2 weeks with them. Thing is I'm really upset that she and my dad won't come and visit us and participate in dc lives.

Because of this trip every year dh has missed 2 out of 3 birthdays of dd2 and that is also starting to become an issue especially this year because he wants to speed christmas and ny together as a family.

So wibu to bring this up as an issue with my mum? Or should I just accept that this is how my relationship with my parents will always be?

I am confused about why this is about your mum in particular and why you have to go at the same time of the year each year.

What would happen if you said "sorry mum, but we can't come over this year I'm afraid. It's just not possible. You and dad are always more than welcome to come here, whenever you want, for as long as you like, but we can't come to you" and left it? Would they come? If not, then I think you might have to face up to the fact that they just aren't that bothered. If you need to make all the running, all the time, and do all the travelling with 2 children in tow, (and there's no reason travelling is hard for your parents) then it says it all.

Why does your DH not go with you? If he can't for work reasons then it's not unreasonable for him to want you all to stay at home for Christmas and NY. Can you go at another time of the year? Unfortunately, the only thing to do is to have a fairly frank chat with your parents (been there and done that) about the fact that you miss having them in your and your family's life but that it's not possible to visit them more frequently/for longer periods at present. In years to come your kids can always visit alone or stay on after a visit for longer periods but that in the meantime, you would love it if they could visit you more often, time and finances permitting.
If that doesn't change anything then you will unfortunately have to resign yourself to it. Even though they are only a short flight away, my parents took the position that I had moved "overseas" and therefore it was my obligation to travel to see them....doesn't stop them complaining about lack of contact so can't win.

I'm not sure why going to see your mum means DH misses DD's birthday? Can't you just go another time? Or he come with you?

I agree that 2-3 weeks is more than long enough for a single visit. How do you keep in touch between times? Something like skype is brilliant for keeping in touch as the DC can talk to them about what's happening in their lives right now, so it feels like they are more involved.

Is there a particular reason why your mum doesn't come to you? Is it just she's of the mindset that it's up to you do the running? Is she in ill health, is the journey too expensive (how far it is?)?

Dprince, it has to be same time of the year for several reason, school holidays, weather, my work, my parent schedule

Pombear, my parents are quite young and travel is not an issue. I have no misgivings about how much they love dc and me. They will start planning my next trip even before the current one is over, and although they keep talking about visiting us it rarely happens. There's always something more 'important' and I guess they expect me to understand. Tbh I have felt this way before, just mire recently I'm starting to feel the unfairness iykwim?

So its impossible to go at another time?
So if they start traveling to you, they would only be able to come at that time of year. So you wouldn't be seeing them anymore, just not doing the travelling. I am just trying to work it out.

Tell your parents the roads go both ways! If they want to see you more often it's up to them to travel that road!

Redskyatnight, dh can't come every year coz of work. We do skype but the time difference makes it eally hard ESP for dc. Plus it's hard to get a 5 and 3 yr old to actually shre their lives on skype.
My mum always has an excuse, last year it was my sister's wedding, this year my granny had surgery and my dad falls in with whateverplans my mum has

Lacroixsweety, dh tries to come work permitting, but it's not fair for him and not always possible he comes.
I'm feeling particularly sad this year as it's been a year of milestones for me and the dc and my parents haven't been able to participate in any of them.
My parentsblove us dearly, but I just cannot understand why they can't/won't make this effort

I understand. DH has this with his dad/SM - really happy to see us, good with the DCs (although they don't understand one of them as well as they could if they saw him more frequently). Sometimes I feel like I should make more effort - Skype etc, but then I think it's Not my responsibility to make up for what they can't/don't give.

DH accepts it. My parents make up for it in frequency of contact. I think I'd be upset in your shoes.

Dprince, the best time for us o travel is towards the end of the year. Parents could come at any time of the year to see us and we would love it. But we can only travel at a certain time of the year

YANBU. It must be hard for you, but if your parents are not understanding of the issue, it's up to you wether you make the effort. I don't think I would. If you don't want to do it anymore, it's perfectly understandable IMO.

"my sister always needs their help and her needs always come before mine, but that's a whole separate issue!"

OP, this might be the issue, deep down do you get resteful about this? I am sure I would!

they have clearly got into a bit of a habit

In fact we only see foreign relatives once or twice a year and its OK, we can live with that

Think you need to get to the bottom of
why they dont come
honest to got, is there some jealousy vis a vis your sister (its not wrong, but you need to be clear how you really feel)

Porcamiseria, my sister has lived with or next to my parents her whole life, I haven't lived or seen then for any length of time since I was 18. My sister is just the kind person who makes demands on my mum and my mum is always happy to oblige.
I feel that is a choice my mum makes. I don't agree with it but I stay well clear of getting involved.
I guess I'm starting to feel resentful because my dc never get to do anything with their grandparents in their environment. When we visit its for 2-3 weeks at my parents house so not really 'real' life.
They have never seen a sports day school play or anything really.
I was very close to my granny and I really would have liked my children to have the same.
maybe I should just let it go..