AIBU to be frustrated with MIL's lack of decision making?

[SpottedGurnard]

Went out for dinner last night to celebrate DPs graduation. We had been travelling all day on the train and I hadn't had much to eat all day.

We didn't arrive at hotel until 8 (due to a ridiculous diversion to pick fil up from a train station because he couldn't be bothered to change trains but that is a whooole other thread). So booked a table in the restaurant for 8.30- which is already much later than I would eat normally so I was starving!

MIL and FIL arrived half an hour late due to dealing with the latest crisis in adult SIL's life.

MIL took an HOUR to decide what to eat An hour!!! Even when the waitress arrived after the hour she insisted on going last.

It was so late by the time we ate that it just ruined the meal.

AIBU to have wanted to shout "just make a decision!!!!" at her?

It sounds very extreme. Either she is the world's biggest attention seeker or she sounds like she has a serious anxiety disorder and needs professional help.

Could your DH gently broach the subject with her and get her to her GP?

I feel your pain. It is the most annoying thing when someone is seemingly incapable of making a decision.

My parents are like that. Particularly my mother. She makes such a huge bloody drama out of it and not being able to decide that I could shake her until her teeth rattle.

I have a rule now that prevents me from injuring her

You get 5 minutes and then I decide for you and if you don't like it - tough.

(this is for things that affect me, eg, are we going to this shop first or that one, are you coming to the charity shop/coffee shop with me, etc)

Dithering for an hour over a menu - no chance.

I'd have ordered and eaten by then and tough luck to her.

oh. Huge X-post there. If she has actual anxiety problems then forget everything I just said

What's she like when she's not in the company of her Husband.?

I don't understand - do you all sat around the table and she read the menu for an hour whilst you waited? Or was there conversation as well? How did she react when the waitress kept coming over?

She still struggles with decisions when he's not around. If we suggested she went to the GP she would shout at us and tell us there is nothing wrong with her.

It's a breath of fresh air whwn we go out with my parents. They are delightfully normal and DP loves it.

yanbu BUT why on earth didnt you just take the initiaive and order your food saying you were too hungry to wait!

YANBU I'd have gone spare especially if I was as hungry as your must have been!

DP's cousin always changes her order. Last time we all went out as a family for dinner she changed her mind 4 times in the 40 or so minutes between ordering and the food arriving. I wouldn't have been surprised if someone had goibbed in her food! I was ready to!

I have to ask, how was FIL reacting to her dithering?

MammaTJ- FIL didn't say anything which was unusual because he is usually very short-tempered.

YANBU at all. This is an infuriating habit. My MIL behaves in a similar fashion, dithering about and refusing to make up her mind.

She also has a faux humility thing going on so she will never state what she actually wants. We can have a 10 minute conversation over:

ME: "Would like tea want tea or coffee?"
MIL: "I don?t mind."
ME: "OK, but it's no trouble either way - are you sure you don't have a preference?"

MIL: "No, no dear ? whatever?s easiest."

So, I make coffee.

MIL "Oh, that's lovely. Although it's very late and I never usually drink coffee after 5 pm because it keeps me up all night. And I do so like to be well rested. But this is fine, I'll manage. Thank you dear."

ME

Oh, it drives me mad!

Something similar to this is why DP and I never go out for food with my parents.

My dad refuses to eat lunch, or be with other people when they are eating if he is not. He also wont eat dinner before 10pm. In the past we have booked tables for 9 and he insists we all go for a drink first in a pub next door. Then refuses to leave till he is ready. So we will be all getting up at 9 to go and dad will return from the bar with a full pint. We then go to the restaurant without him, but have to wait for him to turn up - he often will order a second pint if we don't wait in the pub with him - Then when he turns up he wants to 'have a drink first'. The poor staff are hovering around and we are famished.

He goes on and on about us 'eating' all the time. If i have breakfast, lunch and dinner he will say 'eating again' and make comments about us being 'greedy' or saying 'no wonder you are so fat!' (we aren't i'm a 12 and he on the other hand is overweight) for wanting to eat 'again' in the evening or before 9pm.

If i go to their house i say i really need to eat by 8 otherwise i'll just get something myself. Mum assures me we will be sitting down at 8. But then it's always 10 more mins till we are sitting down at 10pm. Even me being pregnant is totally ignored and i am not allowed to eat till they are ready.

It was the same when i was a child. Constantly starving but not allowed to say anything unless 'I' set off dad's rage. He will often become violently angry if challenged and has regularly stormed off screaming abuse at us.

It makes it really hard to see them because we live an hour apart from a middle point and it would be so nice if we could meet for lunch/dinner. But because we can't, we don't see each other much. I just wont tolerate it anymore.

It's all very peculiar.

Quibbler - HOW do you not say "Look. I asked you several times whether you wanted tea or coffee and you said you didn't mind. Why are you complaining now?"

Seems to me something like that is done deliberately and the person just wants to be snarky.

My guess is that MIL AND FIL had had a row about SIL and so MIL was in a state already and just couldn't think straight. Although in her position I would have just ordered the first thing that came to mind so as not to hold everyone else up.

It sounds as if FIL has dominated her so much she now has no decision-making capacity of her own left. I think that if she admits to her anxiety, sees a DR and gets treatment, it will be another stick for FIL to beat her with.

theQuibbler I think we must have the same MIL

Spuddybean that's awful behaviour from your Dad, no wonder you chose not to see him.

I don't know, Hecate. I don't want to get into it with her, maybe? I don't have to see her that often as she lives abroad, so it doesn't seem worth the hassle. I do find her very difficult though, it has to be said!

See I really need to think about big decisions like what to eat but even I don't take an hour of looking at the menu I look at the menu online a few days before

It does sound like she has issues with anxiety.

I just like food too much to make hasty decisions!

Oh i do see him, Sugarice, but not for food and if i am hungry i just eat something. It just means we see a lot less of them because we wont/can't fit into their lifestyle. such a shame as everyone else seems to enjoy Sunday lunch with family etc. I really think sharing food with people is lovely.

DP's parent are also difficult and will not order anything from the menu, they ask for something not there, like scrambled eggs, then complain to the staff it is horrible and be very rude. We can't eat with them either :(

NeedlessCuties Then you have my sincere sympathies!

I used to have similar problems with my MIL. Faffing about, making everyone late and generally being a pain. Have also stood with two very hungry and tetchy children while she tried to decide whether she would eat in a particular restaurant or not.

She liked to ask about every individual item that was going to appear on her plate, so a ham salad would be 'does it have coleslaw? - I don't like coleslaw' 'OK we won't put any on' 'what about lettuce, I'm not keen on lettuce' - and so on through every possible ingredient - don't order a bloody salad if you don't like salad ingredients FFS.

She also only liked a drop of milk in her tea. A literal drop, as in what would come out of an eye dropper if you squeezed it once. More than a drop and the tea was undrinkable (cue loud and rude complaining about the waitresses) less than a drop - ditto.

It was all attention seeking nonsense. After she tried the 'drop of milk' bollocks with me, - I gave her the jug and said 'put it in yourself' - she never faffed after that, and put up with what she got - she just wanted to mess folk around.

Phew - sorry for total hijack OP - your post brought back many old resentments to me

But I think sometimes with people like this (attention seekers rather than people with a genuine anxiety) you just have to put your foot down and not get embroiled in their game.

You can't help but wonder, where do these people come from?