to think i have done enough

[MyLittleMiracles]

Apparently my ex is saying that I am stopping him from seeing DS aged 2.

I have offered a contact centre, which his solicitor wrote back to mine saying that he would accept a contact centre and asking whether I would be prepared to attend mediation. I agreed, went to the initial assessment. We were considered suitable for shuttle mediation.

He chose to pursue neither. I feel like I have done all I can. What he apparently wants is to pick him up from my house. That cannot happen, my ex is unaware of where I live as he was very abusive.

So am I being unreasonable to think that I have done my share? I can't make him see him can i? And if he was bothered he would have followed it up?

Yep, YANBU - you've done what you can. If he wanted to see his DS, he'd go along with the ways he has to see him, what he means is, he wants to see you, he wants to know where you live and to be back in control so he wants access on his terms, not actually access.

Stick to your guns. When he sees you are not backing down he'll either go along with it so he can have a relationship with his DS, or he won't - so showing he doesn't really care about DS. Either way, not your fault.

You aren't stopping him, you have agreed to how he can see him picking a sensible option it is now up to him to arrnage that.

He can say what he likes. Facts are facts and by offering a contact centre, you are enabling contact. He is refusing it. If he does pull his finger out, the contact centre will only be a short term measure though, I believe 6 months is the average, so do you have any plans in place for if he keeps to it so you don't have to have him come to yours or see him if you don't want to?

Contact with your DS doesn't mean contact with you, so it doesn't have to mean that as soon as 6 months are up you have to give him your address, it can mean that you have a third party handover so a grandparent picks up your DS and delivers him to your ex, or you meet on neutral territory for collection and drop off.

But no, YANBU as you aren't stopping contact, you just aren't giving him exactly what he wants. If it is about seeing his son, he will get over his initial pissy fit and agree to the contact centre with a progression schedule so he can build up to having him on his own at his house. If it is about having a hold over you and playing games then he won't bother as he isn't getting the power he wants. In that case tbh, I think your son will be better off without someone in his life who only sees him as a pawn in a game, although I accept that isn't always a popular opinion on here.

Don't buy into any of it. You've done what you can and now move on. Your DS is probably better off without him. I spent years pursuing my ex to have a relationship with his son but he didn't want to, I gave up and so contact now is minimal and you know what, my DS is much happier. I was so worried that he'd be scarred by not having a relationship with his son but actually it was the other way round. You sound like a lovely mum. Just ignore the ex and good luck.

sorry meant 'not having relationship with his dad', doh..

I was led to believe that although after 6months contact is no longer supervised you can still use the centre to pick up and drop off.

The other option was a baby sitter for an hour so I could pop him off, and he could collect. Some will do that, and its 8.50 an hour, so of course I would expect him to pay half as he pays nothing else towards him.

I should add its been 8months since he last saw him, and my solicitor done the contact referral in February (it took him 6weeks to get back to us)

I have a vision of your Ex's solicitor, sitting at his desk, banging his head off said desk ..

I reckon so too. Poor solicitor. Has my sympathies.