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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What should we do about this bullying?

22 replies

jan775 · 24/07/2012 11:41

We would appreciate some advice on how to handle a situation where our son is being attacked by a girl in the street. Yesterday he came home with scratches on his face where she had hit him with a branch and red marks around his neck where she had grabbed him, all witnessed by some younger children.

They are both the same age just turning 11, she is probably a little older than him and bigger too and it is not the first time he has come home after being slapped or kicked by her over the last year or so. There aren't a group of them, it's just her. Some parents in the street won't let their children play with her at all after previous incidents and for the most part of it they can all play together nicley, but then she will just turn on our son with verbal abuse and/or physical attacks and has even tried to get other children to tell their parents he has been hitting them.

We've previously told him not to play with her when there is no one else around, but when she appears to be behaving and our son being too foregiving it's inevitable. Even we thought she had turned a leaf the other day and allowed her in the garden to play. We've told him not to hit back, but fear that eventually he will snap and whilst he appears not to be too upset over it, you do wonder what affect it is having deep down, but we do talk about it and it doesn't stop him going out and playing.

It doesn't happen at school, partly due to the schools good work in the area of bullying but also probably because there are more people around.

Whilst we have kept photos and dates of the physical attacks, previous attempts to talk to the parents in a polite and civilised manner have failed resulting in a torrent of abuse from both parents. My husband has tried to keep very calm over the matter realising that shouting at the parents won't solve anything

Do we try one more time to speak to the parents? Do we write them a letter? Is there any legal recourse?

Thanx

Jan

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 24/07/2012 11:43

I think we all face this from time to time.....but Legal recourse??

Have you posted about this before?

squeakytoy · 24/07/2012 11:46

If the parents are unwilling to get involved, or are abusive to you, then it looks clear to me that this is likely to be learned behaviour. I would call the police if she assaults him again.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 24/07/2012 11:48

Tell him to wait until nobody is watching then lamp her one, get her by the neck and hiss "leave me alone" in her face. He will only have to do it once, and I bet she will never come near him again. Deny everything afterwards, on his behalf too, do the whole righteous indignation thing and lay it on with a trowel. As long as she, and the other children, see that your son will not retaliate, he will be their victim. Children don't think "oh he is a bigger person, violence is wrong yadda yadda" they think "oh look he is scared of her ha ha he is weak, get him" - they don't reason like adults. Her parents probably tell her not to take any shit from anyone.

JumpingThroughHoops · 24/07/2012 11:48

Get the scratches/marks documents by your GP

Call the police.

What would you do if you were attacked? Why would take a different course of action because it's a child?

Of course, you are quite likely to get the fall out from the family if they are all so aggressive.

Nanny0gg · 24/07/2012 11:49

If her parents won't deal with the situation then phone the police.

It's not bullying, it's assault.

Ikickedthetyres · 24/07/2012 11:50

The right thing to do, officially, is go to the police.

A stern word in the ear from a bigger brother/ cousin may be more effective though

Ithinkitsjustme · 24/07/2012 11:56

I'm with Ikickedthetyres on this one. Yes, you can got to the police, and they will probably go round to her house and have a word with her and her parents, but it may not solve the problem. I agree with the whole "not hitting back" in most cases, but if he is capable of doing so then I would tell him to do it - just the once, and take no prisoners either, if he isn't capable of hitting her back (hard) then if he has an older brother/ cousin or friend then they can do the job. My own children were taught judo and were told that if they got into a situation with a persistent bully, who wouldn't listen to teachers etc, then they were to ut them down very gently in a very large puddle, in front of as many people as they could - no physical damage but very damaging to their ego. It does work.

squeakytoy · 24/07/2012 11:57

The hitting back is not going to help if this child has older siblings who are likely to then go round and give this poor lad a pasting, is it?

It is more likely to inflame and escalate it into a worse situation where this boy could end up in trouble himself.

Ikickedthetyres · 24/07/2012 12:01

You just need to make sure the bigger brother is built like a tank and has a good line in menancing voice. No need to lay a hand on them voice of experience

Noqontrol · 24/07/2012 12:02

Why the heck should he have to put up with this? We wouldn't put up with this as adults. You've done what you can by approaching the parents. If it was my children I'd call the police and get them to go and have a word. If it doesn't stop I'd ask the police if they can take it further. Completely unacceptable and your son should not have to put up with this simply because he is still a child.

Ikickedthetyres · 24/07/2012 12:03

Well, bigger cousin.

JumpingThroughHoops · 24/07/2012 12:04

What a marvellous idea. Dragging in an older, larger sibling to whack a child.

Disregard that line of advice OP because the other parents will definitely go to the police if a 13/14/15yo boy whacks an 11yo girl - and you'll have the father round taking chunks out of your DH.

eye rolling

Ikickedthetyres · 24/07/2012 12:06

I didn't say whack.

I said have a stern word.

JumpingThroughHoops · 24/07/2012 12:08

you didn't - others did.

I agree with the whole "not hitting back" in most cases, but if he is capable of doing so then I would tell him to do it - just the once, and take no prisoners either, if he isn't capable of hitting her back (hard) then if he has an older brother/ cousin or friend then they can do the job.

IloveJudgeJudy · 24/07/2012 13:36

Do you have a bigger brother or cousin in the frame (someone who isn't an adult, but is bigger than her). This happened to my DD. It had happened many times and the last time it happened she had been trapped on a path on the way home from school and the bully was hitting her with a branch.

DS1 was here and he and I went out looking for the bully. DS1 confronted the bully and we also went back to the school to complain about the bully. The bully was very well known to the school (we hadn't known that). The bully's mother did come around here to complain and accused us of lying and making up stuff, but the upshot it that DD has had no trouble at all since. That is the outcome that we wanted in the first place.

TheHappyHissy · 24/07/2012 13:48

I told my son, after weeks of being kicked (reception) that it IS wrong to hit, and kick. I told him that he must tell her to stop, or he will have to kick her back.

I told him to warn her at least 3 times, that if she kicked him again, he would kick her back.

She didn't stop, He warned her 6 times and then kicked.

She never kicked him again.

It IS wrong to hit, but it's even more wrong to tell someone they have no right of defending themselves.

Viviennemary · 24/07/2012 13:53

Tell your son to avoid girl. Contact the parents. And if they won't get involved then next resort police. Nobody wants their child to grow up in fear of being attacked.

Dprince · 24/07/2012 14:03

I would tell your son to stay away. Completely.
If she does it again, as the parents are unwilling to act, I would call the police.
They are unlikely to arrest her, they will most probably have a word.
just regarding the 'elder cousin' bit. I have been the cousin. My younger cousin had a similar incident incident. He was about 8 they were about 12. I was walking down the street and witnessed it. I si.ply went over and told her to let him go. I told them they were bullies and that I do not accept anyone bullying my cousin. I also told them that if there is a problem in future they could expect a visit from the police. They were falling over themselves to be nice to me.
If you go down this route, there needs to be no hint of violence. At all.
My auntie was worried there would be further issues, but there weren't. However I suspect these girls were terrified of the police turning up. Because their parents would have gone mad.

maddening · 24/07/2012 14:51

she's old enough to be spoken to by the police if she physically attacks your son - the parents can go hysterical at them all they like Grin

bejeezus · 24/07/2012 14:56

yep, I support the hitting her back really really hard. Just once, its all it takes. very hard

Floggingmolly · 24/07/2012 15:00

Yes, bejeezus, so do I. Why has he been taught not to defend himself when attacked? Hmm

Tiago · 24/07/2012 15:01

If you are being attacked you have the right to use reasonable force to defend yourself. Contrary to what often appears to be popular opinion - this means that youare allowed to hit someone back. Make sure he knows this, and discuss with him scenarios as to what is reasonable.

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