to wonder why it is such a different response when the mum walks out rather than the dad?

[VickyandAlistair]

Just wondering really.

When I had DS, I had pnd for quite a while after. Somedays it took everything I had just to get out of bed. I couldnt bond with DS. I have literally never been that miserable before or since in my life.

I honestly believe that, had I been the father rather than the mother at that time, I would have left. I take no pleasure in admitting that. But, when I mentioned my feelings to my HV, she looked at me, aghast. 'a mother must never leave her child, never' she said. Happily I am now recovered, and DS is the centre of my world, my everything. The fact that I came that close to leaving sends shivers down my spine..

But why? When a father leaves his child, people say "he's a bastard, but they do that ..." when a mother leaves her child, people can't believe that she could do it. Its the most shocking thing. The ultimate taboo. But.. it takes 2 to make a baby. Both parties are parents. Yet such different responses should they walk away from their child. Is this just do you think?

I think people assume that mothers are going to feel more protective because they have carried their babies inside their bodies, felt their first kicks, had the surge of hormones upon giving birth.

When those feelings don't occur naturally, it's usually because there is something wrong, like PND, where the chemistry in our brains just isn't working the way it should.

A man isn't expected to have those same feelings, so it seems less like its going against nature when he walks away.

This isn't my opinion btw, just thoughts.

Because people are idiots?

Because women are supposed to be naturally maternal creatures, and those that aren't are seen as abnormal freaks.

And what Stranded said.

Partly a left-over from a time before safe formula when a mother leaving risked the baby's life I would think. The idea is retained because it suits the men just fine and some/many woman would see it as a challenge to their unique role to question it.

I think its for many reasons. Social reason (is women are still seen as the nurturing and possibly main cater) and because it doesn't happen that often.
Women are judged differently.
Me and dh split and I left the family home. That's all people cared about was I had left. The reason was that I could move to my parents round the corner. Dhs parents live about 100 miles away. We had agreed to spilt custody of dd right down the middle, which we couldn't do it he was that far away. Yes he could have rented but at the time it seemed easier and a quicker way to split. Eventually i moved back in there and he did rent somewhere else.
some mums on the school run were scathing. Luckily i have more front than Brighton and told them where to go.
As it happened we for back together. Dh did tell me at the time how people were full of praise for him seeing his dd so much and one woman told him i was shit mother for allowing 50/50 contact. thankfully we never hated each other and he told her where to go.

Mothers are given supreme status when it comes to caring for their children. Courts recognise it, for example. Child Benefit goes to mothers. Mothers abandoning or harming children is still newsworthy, largely because it is such a rare occurrence. We are expected to be more responsible than fathers and mostly we live up to the billing. It is not 'just' or equal but, on this one, I have no problem at all that we have double standards.

Stranded, I've read your birth story, such a massive shock for you. I had 9 months to get used to the idea of a baby, but to have no time at all.. did you feel like walking away in the beginning?

It just annoys me how society sees mothers and fathers so differently. Just because we carried dc inside us doesnt mean that we are any less terrified and overwhelmed when they are born.

Things move on so much, but these perceptions dont seem to change.

YY Vivky I did want to, and if it hadn't been for the help and support from family and friends (and XP having DD every other weekend) I probably would have. But I chose in the hospital to keep her and send the SW away, so it was my responsibility to look after her.

And honestly I can see how women and men can come to the point where they WANT to leave, just walk out the door and never come back, but when you become a parent it's not just you anymore. And I condemn both mothers and fathers that are absent in the same way.

Being a mother does not make you the superior parent, so I carried DD and pushed her out, that does not make her anymore 'mine' than it does XP.

This stuff really annoys me and I have found myself on netmums defending absent mothers where they have been attacked. Sometimes it is better for the children to not have mum in their lives, and to live with dad. If the kids are happy what does it matter if the RP has a vagina or not?

When my parents broke up, my mum left the family home taking my younger brothers and "leaving me behind". That was my choice, I didn't want to live with my mum and I chose to live with my dad. My mum was made to feel like she had 'abandoned' me. Which wasn't the case!

I was 14 and didn't get on with my mum, I got on with my dad and my dad was better for me at the time, my relationship was hard with my mum and I didn't agree with her leaving my dad.

Me and my mum get on now and even though she was hurt by my choice, she admits that it was the right choice at the time.

Personally, I'd do the same in that situation. I know if I'd lived with my mum, we'd never talk again!!