to hesitate about telling this friend I'm pg?

[emeraldgirl1]

I've posted about this friend before; my oldest friend but it's a v one-sided relationship. Sometimes I feel more like her counsellor than her friend, our entire rel/ship is built around her problems and she has never showed any interest in mine or my life (FWIW I do have good other friends; I made this friend at a v bad stage in my life and now it's difficult/impossible to disentangle myself...)

In the past the only real interest she has shown in my life is demanding to know when I'm going to get pg (so I can move nearer her; she seems to think a logical result of getting pg is that I will suddenly have wads of dosh to buy a house next door to her?!!; also so that I can 'give up work' (I have no intention of doing this; I like my job and we need the £) so I can 'hang out' with her and her kids more... She also has in the past demanded 'jokingly' if she is going to be the very first person I tell when I get pg, before my parents and everything... She is honestly that insecure that this kind of thing really matters to her, though I literally know nobody else would would even jokingly demand to be the first person to know!!! (well, maybe my mother...)

Anyway, I'm seeing her tomorrow and am torn about whether to tell her the news or not. I'm only 6 weeks so we're obviously limiting the news just yet. And (gasp!) I have actually already told a few people now, DH's family, we're telling mine this week, and I've told another v close friend. This particular old friend I'm talking about probably does regard herself as my best friend and so she'd obviously under normal circumstances be one of the few I tell at this stage.

BUT what would you do? Basically I have a sinking depressed feeling at the thought of telling her only to have her come back at me instantly with a load of questions about HERSELF (am I the first to know? When are you moving closer to me? Can I be godmother?). OTOH she is going to do this whenever I tell her, PLUS if I tell her at a later stage (a few more weeks or after a 12w scan) she is obviously going to be able to do the maths and will know that she hasn't been told right away. I KNOW this shouldn't matter (it's my baby!!!) but she is the kind of person who will sulk/be upset and it will just mean that for the rest of the pregnancy she is arsey and touchy and defensive when I speak to her. I realise I am portraying her as a nightmare but she is my oldest friend and in some ways we are more like sisters (our families are close).

I don't even know why I am asking the question really as obviously (assuming all goes ok) she is going to know at some stage!! And as I say she will be just as demanding whenever she knows, plus potentially upset if she feels excluded...

What would MN do? Tell her tomorrow or delay the inevitable?

I suppose part of me feels that she has been such a bad friend that I am not sure I can face pretending that she is in some way one of the few close people we are telling as it will only increase her sense that she is a great friend when in fact she has been the opposite for many years now :(

Please don't tell someone you don't like ahead of your own family! Imagine if they found out apart from anything else!

Thanks again everyone... JammySplodger it's hard to explain but she's not really the kind who'd blab... in fact she's not the kind at all. She's more the kind of person who wants to know so that she feels she's special IYSWIM? In fact that's why she probably wouldn't tell anyone, so that she can feel special longer.

This is a person who asked me, when I said I was seeing my (lovely) brother and his wife one night instead of driving miles to go and see her, "Ugh. What do you want to see THEM for?" She is jealous of anyone else I spend time with including family and in-laws.

She has a weird combination of no confidence at all and an ego the size of Canada and it makes her impossible very hard to deal with.

You do realise, OP, that you've broken the news of your pregnancy to half the nation before the "friend"! Congratulations on the news, by the way.

As far as Godparents are concerned, is she a church-goer?

Scholes - actually that hadnt occurred to me

But you're all (lovely) strangers so I feel Ok about it :)

I'd wait as long as you can befor you tell her .

When you do how's about breaking the news by mentioning your taking only a few weeks off for maternity leave as you need your wages even more because you will have a baby to provide for ?

Then talk about decorating a room in your home for the baby , and how x ( relative) is going to be godmother as its a long standing tradition in your/dh's family .

If your feeling kind ,I suppose you could suggest she will be "almost an auntie", since you have been friends for such a long time .( bearing in mind some aunties you don't see form one year to the next ! ) .

Congratulations on the pg , don't let worrying about her reaction spoil it for you .

I'd tell her if she was my oldest friend. Only family and my equivalent of your friend knew before the first scan; I told no-one else in case anything happened.

She might surprise you; also just be honest if she asks all those questions ie. no plans to move or quit your job. If she asks about godparenting say it's too early.

And yes congratulations!

She sounds a bit frighteningly possessive, actually, from what you last said - I think definitely you need to distance yourself!

I'm glad she's not a blabber, at least if she does rumble you, you've not got that to worry about. She does sound very hard work!

Congratulations Emerald. As the others have said don't tell her until you're good and ready.She sounds like really hard work and exhausting to have as a friend, what does she bring to the relationship other than stress?. Take care of yourself

Definitely don't tell her emerald.

And I think you're right in assuming your pregnancy and new motherhood might help you disengage from her. I've got a 10 month old DS and have been shocked and upset to find that two close friends haven't been able to handle the changes in my life. One because he's never going to have kids and obviously feels disinterested and alienated. The other because I haven't been able to offer up my usual level of support to her (when I told her I was pregnant I had to spend over an hour comforting her and helping her think through how SHE felt about it).

Obviously you won't be upset if your friend distances herself - more celebratory! She may drift away/sulk/storm off through feeling slighted. And good riddance! Who knows, she might come round after a while and you can have a better and more balanced friendship...(doubtful but who knows!).

My friends' reactions have shown me the imbalances that were there in our relationships all along. I feel sad, but clearer and somehow lighter.

Oh and my vote is with 'passed'

Thanks Jammy
And thanks sugarice - she brings very little unfortunately :(

OovoofWelcome - thanks!! Sorry to hear about your 2 friends... though the second one sounds a total NIGHTMARE!!! Glad you feel lighter though, even if sad.

Thanks emerald It's hard to let go of an old friend isn't it, but it can be liberating!

Ah, emeraldgirl, I feel your pain!
I have a friend like this. She is soooo lovely in many ways but is very insecure and needs us to be 'special' friends. I keep myself having kind feelings for her by knowing that she fears being abandonned by other people and is afraid that everyone will leave her out, or something.

HOWEVER, I realised I was tip-toeing around her, cringing if someone mentioned something about a night out we'd had together, making up all these stupid intimacies to make her happy, blah blah blah. It just wore me down. I actually felt trapped. Don't have a baby, but am ttc (and vvv privately so, she found out by accident), and when I hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks, she came up to me and said 'I had a dream you were pg last night and hadn't told me! And I was sooo upset! But then when I woke up I realised you would always tell me, phew! . You're not, are you?'

I was bewildered and felt so horribly trapped. And I thought, well, no, I wouldn't. And if I were, you have just forced me to tell you rather than waiting for me to tell what would be extremely emotional and exciting news. Trapped and leeched are words that keep springing to mind.

And of course everyone started with the 'no is a complete sentence', 'tell her to fuck off' but I can't!!!! So I developed a new strategy(fk, just realised this post is mega long but bear with me!!!):

• if it is something I would not need to apologise to another friend for, then I don't need to apologise to her;
• if another friend wouldn't mind, then I am going to pretend that I thought she wouldn't either;
• if I wouldn't rearrange my plans for another friend (you see where this is going...) etc
• if I wouldn't tell another friend...etc.

So when she huffed and was hurt about something, I genuinely pretended not to notice, and (am ashamed to admit, but v effective!) used her own tactics 'Gosh, I thought to myself: Emma will be really upset if I don't go to hers on Saturday night! But then I thought to myself - don't be stupid! Emma is your friend! She knows you are knackered and were off sick last week.'

Shameful - but it worked!
And congrats on your pg x

MaisOui - that is excellent advice!! Not shameful at all and am v glad to hear it worked for you... Your strategy sounds extremely smart. Worth a shot for me too I think.

Plus the thing you say about your friend having the 'dream' makes me wonder if maybe this is the same person we are talking about :) :)

congratulations! don't tell until you're comfortable doing so. and get very busy so you can't see her very often...

Oh man I hope not!!!
Yeah, give it a go and let me know how you get on!

Tell her tomorrow and pretend that she really is first to know - as in you haven't even told DH yet and watch her turn herself inside out.