AIBU about my annoying Mum?

[PolkaKat]

Mainly my Mum is okay, and we get on fine. I have to bite my lip with her sometimes, and she never compliments me, but that's nothing out the ordinary.

There's a bit of history though, where I feel she deliberately undermines my authority with my DD.

A few months ago DD set her heart of a hideous, big Bratz type doll in a shop. I told her no, as she'd recently had a lot of birthday presents and Xmas presents. DD was upset so my Mum backed her up with asking for the doll, which really annoyed me. I stuck to my guns, and repeated I didn't want my DD to have the doll. Then much to my annoyance I overheard my Mum whisper to my DD that 'she' would like to buy it for her but 'I' wouldn't let her.

I was so pissed off that my Mum was making me out to be the wicked Mum and making out that 'she' was the lovely Grandma.

There's been several similar happenings over the years.

Today my Mum took my DD shopping. I had asked my Mum to get some specific sandals for my DD and I would give her the money tonight. I was very specific about them, and told my Mum to not buy any others for her. DD asked if she could have a baby build a bear as well. I agreed she could, told Mum she could get her one, and I'd give her the money tonight. But she was to only have the baby build a bear and not to have any outfits for it yet.

Surprise, surprise my Mum bought my DD some random horrible sandals that were nothing like I asked her to get. And I know this is because DD will have asked for them. And, surprise surprise my Mum had bought her the build a bear and two outfits for it.

I queried why my Mum had bought these things and DD started to tell me about them, when my Mum basically tried to hush her up and basically get DD to lie to me.

I was so pissed off. I made my feelings known to my Mum, but she couldn't see why I had a problem. I had specific reasons for DD only having this particular sandal and specific reasons why I didn't want her to have more outfits for a new build a bear. But I feel my Mum just totally disregarded my wishes and undermined me.

I also felt honour bound to still pay for the sandals which I didn't want and really didn't like, and also pay for the build a bear outfits which I didn't want DD to have.

So now, yet again I'm left feeling like the big wicked Mum in front of DD and my Mum has gone home feeling sorry for herself. It's reached the point now where I don't know if I'm justified in feeling so angry, or whether I'm completely over reacting because she always acts so hard done to.

Your mum didn't pay for the outfits? That's strange. I do think if you're very particular about the sandals dd gets, you need to take her yourself.

Just learn from it and don't let her take your daughter shopping again.

1. Take the sandals back and get a refund.
2. Do not offer to pay for any build a bear stuff.
3. Don't ask your mum to do stuff for you again - she clearly will just do what she fancies.

I wish I could take the sandals back but DD wore them out the shop

I going to have to chalk this up to experience and not ever ask her again. I had doubts which is why I was so specific, but obviously it didn't make any difference

Does DD like the sandals? If so, what does it matter? As for the bear, I wouldn't pay for the extra outfits.

Yanbu about the Bratz doll though, she shoudn't contradict you in front of DD.

Yes DD likes the sandals, that's why she asked for them. But they're really horrible and won't be suitable at all for what I wanted them for.

I paid for the outfits in the end because my Mum was pitching it that 'because she was prepared to pay for them, it was okay for her to buy them, eventhough I'd said not to.'

You expected the outcome so I'm not sure why you let her take your DD shopping.
You have to sit your mum down and talk abour the situation.

And don't let her near the shops again.

I wouldn't have paid, it's not what you asked for so surely it's grandma's treat?

I can see why it's annoying but there are much worse things than a grandma wanting to spoil her grandaughter. My MIL will without fail buy the DDs a treat if she takes them shopping and I can see how she thought outfits for the bear would be nice for her.

I have also learnt from bitter experience that there's no point buying little girls sandals they don't like! Unless she got her 9 inch stillettos I don't see the harm. Next time take her yourself!

Sometimes the sandals that you spot on the website might not be right for a child's feet so you would need to go for another style, so probably easiest to take her shoe shopping yourself so you can oversee what is chosen. Why do you feel you have to pay for the bear outfits that you never wanted? Surely grandma should pay for them? It is never unreasonable to not want a Bratz doll by the way.

YANBU as clearly it is annoying of your mum to do this! I would not have paid. Agree with the poster saying if she buys something else, which was not what you asked for, then it is grandma's treat!

YANBU

Speaking as a granny, I'm quite shocked by your post. Yes, of course, I like to treat my gc, but I'd never go against what my d/dil had specifically asked me to do.

But we do all generally agree about not giving in to /spoiling children, so we're usually on the same page. How was she with you when you were a child, OP? Is she trying to make up for something in the past, or compete with you for dd's affection.

I think ThymeOut has asked some good questions.

Sorry, posted a bit quickly there. It does sound as though the situation goes a bit deeper than a case of gm treating your dd, both in your repsonse/interpretation and in the dynamic.

Consequences, that is how it works. She bought different sandals, you will have to buy the right ones. They were therefore a present from DGM. Ditto the outfits. You are not being very assertive. It is the same as if my DM randomly took DD out and bought her stuff. I wouldn't pay for it.

Why did you give your mum the money for the outfits when she said she would pay for them? That makes no sense to me!!

Why did you pay for the sandals? They were not the ones you specified.

TBH, GM are meant to spoil their GC, it does not mean the mum has to bank roll it!!

Thymeout - you have raised some interesting questions. I don't think we're singing from the same hymn sheet at all. And I think this is partly due to my Mum not accepting that I'm an adult now, with my own opinions and agenda IYSWIM?

She vaguely pretends to heed what I'm saying then basically disregards it.

And I do believe that sometimes she's trying to compete with me for my DD's affection. I absolutely hate being out shopping with them. Because I will give DD a choice of several outfits, but my Mum will rarely support me if DD actually wants something else entirely. I feel that my Mum creates a situation where it's DD and her Vs me, and it really upsets me.

Or my Mum will choose outfits, or things which I don't like or approve of, and rather just accpeting my opinion she constantly queries it and makes me feel that I'm being unreasonable. It's very tiring to deal with.

When I was a child/teenager my Mum was actually fairly suffocating (looking back I can see that now) and relied on me far too much for moral support. At that time I really looked up to her, and we never had a cross word. But since being an adult with my own children I can see that a lot of her behaviour was quite unhealthy.

Thank you for the other responses. I've paid my Mum for some of the things she bought, but not for the bear outfits. I will let DD just wear the horrible sandals just on the beach, and I told my Mum I shall be buying her another pair. I was very polite but very firm about it. I just explained that in future I won't ask her to buy for DD as it's will be better for me to buy, as I'm very specific about certain things.

So she knows I'm unhappy with what she's done, but I feel I was reasonable and adult about it. But she still went home playing the martyr last night. Yet again I'm cast as being unreasonable, and snappy and mean.

Just to give another example of her under-mining attitude. She doesn't like how I have DD's hair cut. Well, she likes the actual cut - which is just a classic bob, but she doesn't think the stylist does a good enough job.

She has to point out where the stylist hasn't quite layered it properly etc. Then keeps asking when I'm going to use another salon, and suggests a few etc.

I'm happy with the cut, and my DD was happy with the cut until my Mum started pointing out the flaws in it. The stylist is nice, the salon is convenient and she does a good enough job. DD is only 8, she doesn't need a technically superb hair cut yet.

Yet my Mum keeps going on about it. Why on Earth does she care how DD has her hair cut, so much? I find her attitude really pushy and tiring.

I admit she sounds annoying,but grandparents are supposed to spoil children and get them the things their parents can't/won't !!!!...or at least mine did!

I think you should just put it down to experience, get the sandals you want...then she has 2 pairs.Lucky girl.

Just don't tell your Mum to get stuff for you again.

PolkaKat you did well re not paying for the outfits and saying you will have to buy the sandals. Do make it plain you are upset by the extra expense. A friend of mine has a very controlling mother too and she is getting worse as she ages. Your mother is 'buying' your daughter's affection -a damgerous thing in familial relationships.

Is your mother still with your father? What's their relationship like?