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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dh to hang the washing out without being asked??

50 replies

helsbels03 · 23/07/2012 22:25

I need to know honestly if I am being unreasonable- got back from camping yesterday so have lots of washing, camping stuff all over house and general end if term stuff everywhere, house is a mess . Today I took dd1 6, dd2 4, and ds 18mths to tescos then as they were v good to the park where we lost track of time and had to rush home for swimming lesson at 4. I did manage to make dinner ready for when we got back and do 2 loads of washing. However I did not tidy hous, nor hang all washing out. Dh got home shiksa I was at swimming lessons and watched telly for about half an hour. When we got back, I put dinner out and sat down to eat with children- cue massive row about me not having my priorities right, being lazy and never doing anything and we live in a pigsty etc etv etc. anyhow the end result( after much screaming in front of children) was that I told Hom if he could do better than to do it. I explained to children that I loved them and was going to the shop and would see them in the morning and for the first time EVR walked out and went to friends for a coffee.

I admit the house does take a back seat ( have pnd- still taking tabs for it, feeling lots better ) and I spend most of my time when not at work ( only work 3 days- teacher) with chn and have been a bit behind recently with end if term. Usual job split- dh does ironing, I do everything else.

I am prepared for the brutal honesty and would value opinions x

OP posts:

bogeyface · 23/07/2012 23:13

kotinka

Not always. Its funny how not having someone on your back all the times makes things like housework, work, kids etc easier to deal with. Sometimes it isnt the job itself that is the problem, but you dont always see that until the real problem has been removed.

bogeyface · 23/07/2012 23:14

Oh and if you have a financial arse for a partner then splitting up can actually mean more money in the pot as they have to pay maintenance etc, although I will concede that it isnt always that simple.

Original poster

helsbels03 · 23/07/2012 23:17

Maybe not just about housework but that's the only thing we ever discuss- heatedly. I don't think I am coping and am too proud to admit it and he can't see it. I don't know what to do- so just leave the house and go out with the dc. I find it hard to stay in as the girls - 4 and 5 argue constantly at home and are also happier when out. Might go see what my rights/ entitlements are etc then be more informed.

OP posts:

Original poster

helsbels03 · 23/07/2012 23:18

May also look into some kind of family councilling too or marriage guidance- anyone been?? Any positive outcomes??

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 23/07/2012 23:19

haha, expect a man to hang up the washing without being asked??

Even if you did ask you would be lucky if he complies....

Men sigh

(Life is so much simpler on your own...).

kotinka · 23/07/2012 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suburbophobe · 23/07/2012 23:24

Why are you with him, exactly? You are running around ragged while he does nothing but slag you off? WTF?! BYE BYE!!

Get rid, I would say.

Once you make that decision, it is so much easier than you ever imagined, and you will all be better off for it, believe me!

Original poster

helsbels03 · 23/07/2012 23:24

Is there anywhere else, I think Hom just agreeing to go would make me feel better

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 23/07/2012 23:25

Don't go to Relate, go to a good counsellor who will help you find your own strength again. (Cos you've got it!).

Wishing you all the best!

bogeyface · 23/07/2012 23:26

Counselling could help, but only if he is on board with it. Sometimes nasty men will disregard what is said to them and focus on what was said to you.

Has he been supportive about your PND in general?

Original poster

helsbels03 · 23/07/2012 23:28

It's not always like that although he is very grumpy and I've started dreading going out for the day with him as he always ends up shouting at me or dc.

Is it really easier, what about effect on dc?? Dd1 is very sensitive, dd2 very wilful , not sure, have been thinking about it but not sure I can manage the stress at thd moment?

OP posts:

kim147 · 23/07/2012 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

helsbels03 · 23/07/2012 23:31

He's not nasty, just a grumpy git!!!!!!! Not been very supportive, no- not sure he thinks it's a real thing, just me being a drama queen- I am very up and down and massively emotional . Maybe we need a trial separation or something????

OP posts:

kim147 · 23/07/2012 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

helsbels03 · 23/07/2012 23:35

My sister is having the dc for the weekend in 2 weeks as she thinks we need to go away, maybe that will sort us out. Will also look into a councillor, make a rota and stay on and tidy up tomorrow

Thanks for all posts and advice, much appreciated xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

helsbels03 · 23/07/2012 23:36

Kim147- how did your dc handle it- I am not sure we would be very civil about it and def would worry about what was said to dc behind my back

OP posts:

bogeyface · 23/07/2012 23:36

Is it that you couldnt cope with one sensitive one and one wilfull one, or is that they are like that because of the fact that he is so horrible to them?

Just something to think about.

Original poster

helsbels03 · 23/07/2012 23:42

He only really does homework and watches telly with dd's spends more time with ds- not sure he knows how to handle the girls, they are very loud and hyper sometimes and don't listen to him. I also had separation anxiety after dd1 was born - which he def doesn't believe in so I find it hard to let Hom look after children without me and now he finds them too much on his own - would never admit that of course.

U meant I am worried about the effect of us splitting on then, but yes def something to think about the effect on them if us staying yogethet

OP posts:

kim147 · 23/07/2012 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarryCole · 23/07/2012 23:55

Delegate jobs to your husband, write it down. Then he can't accuse you if he doesn't do them!

Original poster

helsbels03 · 24/07/2012 05:56

Update:

Don't want to seem moany, but I have been up 3 times in the night and am now up for the day with ds watching mickey mouse!!!! Will post on relationships- this isn't about washing anymore . -- although note to self, mustn't stay up til midnight on mnet!

OP posts:

MsWeatherwax · 24/07/2012 06:36

suburbophobo haha, expect a man to hang up the washing without being asked??

Mine does! I think there are men who don't because their parents, then society tell them it's not their job and don't expect it of them to take the initiative with housework. But I lived with one man who didn't (but would if I asked) and decided after that to only settle for one who I would. I believe there are many men who do take the initiative with housework and who aren't arses like the OP's and she has a perfect right to expect more from him.

Thumbwitch · 24/07/2012 06:57

I know it isn't the PC thing to suggest that many men wouldn't know how to do housework if you paid them but it is still often the case, sadly - so going back to your original point, yes, YAprobably BU to expect it. So many of them have never been brought up to consider it's any of their business. Even when I ask DH to hang washing up, he does an almightily shit job of it (just lobs clothes onto the line in clumps, so they're never going to dry properly - the idea of shaking them out and hanging them from the base/top is just too much for him to deal with, apparently ) - he just doesn't give a fuck.

From your subsequent posts though, this is just the tip of the iceberg. He may be a grumpy git but it sounds like he's just pissed off that you aren't a fully functional 50s housewife and he's not prepared to accept you are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances and with PND. Is he so backward that he really "doesn't believe in" PND etc.? I mean, ffs. He'd have to be a serious caveman to have not realised it's a fully accepted condition by people with brains and empathy for others that is

How does his mother figure in all this? Was she a do-it-all-and-let-the-men-sit-on-their-arses-all-day type of person?

Original poster

helsbels03 · 24/07/2012 07:44

Yes she was, I have tried to keep her out of it but she does everything for his dad and thinks I should for him- as for work no one seems to realise I actually do that for my own sanity and Pnd has been much better since I went back, another thing she thinks us unnecessary

OP posts:

whois · 24/07/2012 07:48

He sounds like a MASSIVE twat. Suggest on the evenings where you work, and weekends, you only do as much as he does (i.e. fuck all) and then on the two days you are at home with the children you do a little bit in any down-time you get from them. So you are both 'working' the same amount.

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