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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Letting children play out on their own, differing parental opinion

45 replies

Lovelynewboots · 23/07/2012 11:53

Hi, had a massive row with partner last night. My oldest (daughter aged 10), I have just started letting her go out on her own. Many of her friends have been allowed to go out much earlier than this but my partner in particular has been very forceful in his opinion that he does not my daughter not to be supervised at all times. On Friday I let her go to the park with her friend. Partner came home, we had planned to go out and said I should get my daughter. Went to her friends house first. Her dad was there and wasn't sure where they were exactly. I stopped for a while and chatted and went to the park and they were there. Last night my partner said that I had handled the situation really badly, should have known where they were (I did, Dad of Daughters friend didn't). While I was out getting daughter my partner had phoned and spoke to the Dad and was angry that he didn't know where they were. I feel like he is looking for an excuse to trip me up on this as he doesn't want my daughter going out on her own. She knows the boundaries, knows when she should be home and I generally feel I manage it ok and that it is best that my daughter goes out on her own occassionally in readiness for when she has to handle secondary school. My partner doesn't feel that this is important at all. I am really not sure if I am being unreasonable and if I should consider my partners feelings about this more than I have.

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 11:57

Is your dd also his? Is he her dad?

Original poster
Lovelynewboots · 23/07/2012 11:58

Yes Olympia he is, we have three children two boys also aged 8 and 4,

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 23/07/2012 12:00

He sounds massively over-protective. She is 10!!! of course she should be able to go out with her friends alone at that age.

Was he brought up by a very controlling parent himself?

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2012 12:00

He's being unreasonable

Imagine how shit it must be for kids to have no freedom to run around and relax without a parent hovering over them Sad

Give her a cheap Pay as you Go mobile...Tesco sell them for as little as a fiver.

ForwardPlanning · 23/07/2012 12:01

What are your DP's concerns over her being out on her own? Is he worried about busy roads, her being attacked, not sure she is mature enough to cope with being out on her own?
If you have an idea what he is worried about you might be able to address it (or accept that he has a valid point).
If he's worried about not knowing where she is, why not give her a mobile phone?

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2012 12:01

Oh blimey, I didn't realise he was her Dad from the way you posted.

I assumed he was her step father...not that it makes a difference.

I take it your other 2 kids aren't allowed any freedom to play out either?

RubyFakeNails · 23/07/2012 12:02

But what are his actual concern? What does he worry about as a result of her being unsupervised?

I don't think yabu, but I'm assuming that he must have a reason for being so concerned about it all. If you can identify these you can address them.

Can you all sit down and agree of a sort of weaning process, start with very little things (to me this would include the park the other day) but do something he is happy with, and then keep building up. That way it's more on his terms so maybe he will less out of control and so happier with the situation.

ExitPursuedByABear · 23/07/2012 12:03

I think it very much depends on where you live.

bejeezus · 23/07/2012 12:04

is it because those sisters went missing from the park in Manchester this weekend? (11 & 8 I think)

maybe this has made him worry?

Original poster
Lovelynewboots · 23/07/2012 12:04

I think a mobile phone is the answer. And Squeaky, the irony is he was able to play outside when he was a boy. We live in a rural area and the neighbourhood is really safe so we are very lucky. The park is brilliant. It is just a bit depressing to deal with really but I want her to be able to have some independence.

OP posts:
RubyFakeNails · 23/07/2012 12:07

I didn't realise she didn't have a phone. She must have a phone if she's not say in front of your house/in your street etc

violathing · 23/07/2012 12:07

I went to the park with my DS5 on Sat and found an eight yo girl supervising her 5yo brother and 18 month old cousin. They had walked there about 200 yards and crossed a side road on their own. I walked them back to thier door to make sure they were safe. Maybe I was BU. But I thought it was far too young to be left to their own devices. The toddler was on reins and was a real handful for the eight yo

Original poster
Lovelynewboots · 23/07/2012 12:07

The other thing is she is very mature and sensible. I don't really let my other boys play out on their own, my oldest boy plays on his bike at the front sometimes and goes to his friend round the corner but not too far. I am also a SAHM.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelynewboots · 23/07/2012 12:09

Rubyfakenails, I will do that tonight, I thought I had communicated it with him but I obviously haven't got it quite right. And the phone thing I will sort today!

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 23/07/2012 12:11

I have just started letting DS (7) play in the street outside the house - quiet suburban road, other kids play outside as well, he is not allowed to cross any roads or go into anyone's house without letting me know.

You need to find out the specifics of your partner's reasoning. And don't let him get away with acting as though he is the boss of the household and his opinion matters more than yours, because it doesn't.

Dahlen · 23/07/2012 12:13

Most accidents/deaths/abuse/abductions take place in the home or by people already known to the victim. Statistically speaking, your child is much safer being allowed to go out unsupervised than she is being kept at home.

As long as you are careful teaching about personal safety re road crossing and not going off with people - even those you know in some way - I think it's fine to let her out.

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2012 12:13

I think anyone with kids should have a 'family mobile'.

Stick a bit of credit on it and keep it in the cupboard. Then if any of the kids need to use it they can.

It also cuts out the problem of buying your child a phone for emergencies but they use up all the credit texting their friends.

NameGames · 23/07/2012 12:15

YANBU. It is not U to think a 10 yr old can spend some time on her own. Your partner sounds quite controlling if he gets angry and makes you feel like he's trying to trip you up over this. It's a disagreement over what's best for your children but you are working under his command, you both have a say. Is he like it over anything else or is it just your DCs out on their own? Does he have any particular reason for feeling this way?

Original poster
Lovelynewboots · 23/07/2012 12:16

Thanks solidgoldbrass. I probably would have let her go out earlier than now, but I felt like I wanted to respect what my partner thought. At the end of it all, the day to day stuff is all down to me and it knocks your confidence in your decision making when they criticize. He is a really good Dad, very hands on. But he worries about them being kidnapped. Hmm

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/07/2012 12:18

I think he needs to understand there's a lot more chance of them getting into awkward/dangerous situations because they've not been taught to be streetwise, than there is of them ever being kidnapped.

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 12:19

My dp Is like this ! We live in a cul de sac and all the kids ride their scooters round it and round the back I cAn hear them from the lounge. My Dp says they can only stay out the front that's it they are 7 and 5 so a lot younger but they are literally by the house if not 200 yards away at the most ? If they fall over and hurt themselves he shouts at them saying it's their fault because they don't listen :( which is bloody embarrassing when out and about! If I tell him it was obv an accident she wudnt fall and cut her knee deliberately ! Then he says I'm too soft with them ! I feel he suffocates them TBH I was worried about getting the paddling pool out today cause he will moan it will ruin the grass !

Original poster
Lovelynewboots · 23/07/2012 12:21

NameGames, it is mainly about the kids. He is not controlling about money, or what I do with the kids generally. But this is becoming a massive issue because he is not listening to what I say. At the end of it all there is not a lot he can do if I let my daughter or any of my kids go out on their own. I try and make him feel part of the decisions I make and want his input. I just think he is wrong about this but it is hard to tell whether I was being unreasonable as like most parents, you deal with things as they come along.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelynewboots · 23/07/2012 12:23

Worra, that is what I think. They need to be wise and be able to handle situations through experience.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 23/07/2012 12:23

If you are rural and safe then she should be allowed out at 10. My DD was allowed out at that age but only in the surrounding fields. By 11 she was allowed in the next village which iis quite busy with cafes and shops and a park and a river. I still worried endlessly but they have to cut their teeth somewhere.

She announced at the start of the holidays that she will be going to Manchester with her mates. She is 12. She will not.

bejeezus · 23/07/2012 12:24

i dont think a mobile phone is useful in preventing children from being kidnapped? Confused

they are his kids too...so i think you need to reach a compromise together?

what age does he think she should be allowed out alone?

i really think you arent going to get far in convincing him, when the girls have gone missing from Manchester this weekend...maybe wait a while and then talk to him