to ask DM not to tell me these thinks about DF?

[YompingJo]

Going to try to keep this brief but would appreciate advice...

A year ago, my DM told me that she and DF had been having problems (they have been married over 40 years, most of them pretty happily). She told me this on the phone the day after my wedding to DH (we went away for a very quiet wedding, just us, no family or friends), said she had not wanted to say anything, but I asked her what was wrong as she sounded upset, and then it all came spilling out - DF had a "relationship" (not sexual apparently) with another woman and was refusing to stop seeing her and there were other issues too around DM's health and DF's suspected aspergers which they have only just discovered and which DM seemed to think "changed everything". The gist of it was that she didn't think she was going to stay with him but didn't know what else to do, and this really rocked me, especially hearing all this the day after my wedding - took the shine off the whole wedding week but that's another story.

From then on, DM took to phoning weekly with updates and this is where the problems begun for me. She went into a lot of detail about things I was uncomfortable hearing about - basically saying a lot of things about my dad that affected the way I saw him and made me feel like my relationship with him was changing, but he didn't know she was telling me this and she wanted me not to tell him she had been talking to me. I found this grossly unfair towards my DF and after a few months of it, I sent her a long heartfelt email to say that I couldn't be impartial about this as he was my dad and I wanted her to tell him she had been speaking to me, and then to find someone else to speak to who could be exclusively on her side as it was so hard for me to hear a) such negative things about my dad and b) her side of it all but not his. (He is not the type who would really talk to anyone about it). She did apologise, told him, he acknowledged to me that she had told him, then she stopped talking to me about it.

However... recently she has started to tell me things about him again, they went and did something together a couple of weeks ago and afterwards on the phone to me she told me that he had shouted at her and was cross when she couldn't do it straight away and how upsetting that was. Now, I sympathise with her (he used to treat me like this too and it has had pretty long term effects on my self esteem and over-high expectations of myself) but the trouble is that yet again I am hearing negative things about my DF from my DM and it feels like I am being turned against him. Not on purpose, I don't think she would do that, but I don't think she realises that is actually the effect it's having and it's not fair as he is not getting the chance to put across his side of the story (nor would he, even if I asked him). In any other situation, I would have more allegiance to one party than the other and would not have a problem being a listening ear but this just doesn't feel appropriate as they are both my parents and I love them both and feel I owe them equal repsect.

So as not to spoon feed, DPs live 2 hrs away so I don't see them very much, have seen DM on her own only once since this began and the whole topic was studiously avoided. Also, I would say I am also on the autistic spectrum, although not as much as DF. I see things in black and white and have difficulty accepting shades of grey and this could be one of those cases where it just can't be black and white and that might be why it is making me so frustrated. Also, I strive to make things fair, and I am very loyal, particularly when I feel someone (in this case, my DF) is not being treated completely fairly or a situation is unjust. Lastly, I am not the best at empathy and my relationship with DPs is not a very close one, affection did not abound in our household when I was growing up and I never felt loved unconditionally, just pushed to achieve more and more). All of these things could be contributing factors to how I am feeling about this and could be stopping me from seeing the wood for the trees which is why I genuinely cannot work out if I should ask DM to stop this or whether that would be mean of me.

So, I'm opening the case to the mumsnet jury: AIBU to ask her to stop telling me negative things about my DF, and to explain why (again), or should I shut up and listen to these negative things about my dad with a sympathetic ear as she is my mum?

doh, "things", not "thinks" in the title, and dripfeed, not spoonfeed.

YANBU, I can understand why your mother wants to let off steam but it's not appropriate to use you for it.

My own mother told me some stuff about my dad which I just didn't need to hear. It was very upsetting and it made a difference in my relationship to both of them.

Stick to your guns on this and good luck.

You have everyright to tell her to stop telling you things, especially as it makes you feel differently about your DF.

It is very selfish of her and you need to tell her that.

YANBU my mum did this when her and my Dad split up it was totally unbearable and she just couldn't understand why I didn't want to hear it. It has had a lasting impact both on my relationship with her and my dad who I was previously very close to.

Good luck getting her to stop though, it was like talking to a brick wall with my mum.

Sorry I know that isn't very helpful.

YANBU to not want to hear it, or to speak to her again. But does you DM have someone else she can talk to? Because if she's been with your DF for 40 years and he has a way of talking to people that can destroy their self confidence it may be that she needs you. Not in the way she's using you, as a place to vent and dump her hurt, but as someone to help her acknowledge she isn't useless and to help her find the support she actually needs.

Thank you for these replied, they make me feel better about feeling frustrated.

NameGames, I hadn't looked at it like that at all and that makes me feel bad, you are right, I guess her own self esteem may well be pretty low and I could help to build it back up. Our DC1 is due in October, I think she will really enjoy being a grandmother and that will help her feel needed in a new way (although I will have to grit my teeth big time and pretend that I really enjoy getting unsolicited advice )

jo - I sympathise. My mum tends to do this to me too. It can get very uncomfortable but when it does I tend to change the subject gently. Nothing too serious though but constant little niggles and sometimes quite nasty comments. But I know my mum finds it hard to open up to other people so I am guessing I am one of the few outlets she has.

However in your case perhaps a repeat of the email to remind her. Perhaps she thinks you're objections have gone, you need to remind her that they havent.

I do think this is one of those grey issues unfortunately. There's a sort of scale, my mum does complain to me about my dad and vice versa. It doesn't bother me as I don't see either of them as perfect, I complain about them to each other, and also there aren't many people who know them like I do so I think they find it reassuring that I can understand the context or if they are being unreasonable etc.

I'm an only child I don't know if you are too, but I think that changes things in that the moaning isn't spread out over multiple people, it's all on you. Ive always been the go between and peacmaker but mif youre not used to it i guess it can be upsetting.Also the fact your dad doesn't do similar must make it seem very cruel of your mum and harsh and one sided against your dad.

I'd also wonder who else your mum has to talk to, maybe you can suggest she sees a counsellor or something because they are impartial and can help her change things she is unhappy with.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your mum to say some things, like the bit about him shouting at her when they went to do something, or the aspergers changing everything (seems more of a medical issue to me) but I don't think she should be telling you about other relationships, their sex life, things which he wouldn't want you to know basically.

Unfortunately once parents get older I think the support becomes more of a two way street.

Thank you, I really appreciate people taking the time to reply, it has helped a lot. Has given me some things to think about and also made me determined to stand my ground but in a tactful and supportive way rather than in a defensive way.

So glad I found mn, it is a wealth of advice and helpful people.

My mum does this too - I don't mind the day to say whinging about general stuff as they both do that, but she told me a few years ago she was having an affair and expected me to both sympathise AND keep her secret. I did the latter as it would have just hurt my dad to tell him (affair was by then over) but not the former, and made it very clear I did not appreciate being put in that position. She apologised but even now can't resist making veiled comments - even in front of my dad - that he wouldn't get but I do, I think she just liked having a 'co-cobspirator'. Makes me v cross and I completely ignore them.

I meant to say, definitely YANBU x

Yanbu if it makes you feel uncomfortable. My dm speaks to me sometimes about my df and I am fine with it, I long ago accepted my father for who he is, warts and all, and I love him so much in spite of it all. I think it helps that I see people as just people and don't judge them too much by little things they do and say to each other, though if I think my df is out of order in something he says in front of me to my mother
I have no problems in pulling him up about it and vice versa!
The affair thing is totally different though, I would keep it secret if it was over, but they would be left in no doubt as to my thoughts on the subject!