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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed with dp's family coming to stay all the time?

21 replies

Keepcalmanddrinkgin · 23/07/2012 11:00

We live in a tiny 2 bed flat in Scotland and we have a ds of 1.All dp's family live in England. Dp's mum and dad are divorced and don't get along so obviously they come up to visit seperatley. The problem being that they come up for a week at a time and when one hears the other has planned a trip then they, not to be outdone, plan a trip. It's exhausting. We never get our home to ourselfs for more than 2 weeks at a time and I have to scrub the flat from top to bottom when mil comes as she can be very judgemental. Last time she was here I came home from work to find she ha re arranged my kitchen. They also don't let us know when they are coming until they have booked flights, so we are not asked but told. we live on top of each other for a week (there's no way they'd stay in a hotel) and I can't get comfortable in my own home. Throw bil into the equation aswell as I have just been told THIS MORNING he's coming to stay tonight!! Dp has spoke to them about this before to no avail. Sorry for ranting but had to let it out!!

OP posts:
FuntimeFelicity · 23/07/2012 11:37

"Sorry, but it's not convenient. Please ask and give us more notice next time."

There will be fall out, but if you stick to your guns each time it'll sink in eventually. I wouldn't put up with anyone telling me that they're coming to stay at my house.

Paiviaso · 23/07/2012 11:44

Agree with Funtime, you really do need to be polite but firm. They will quickly stop booking before asking if you start saying no!

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2012 11:45

There is a way they'd stay in a hotel and that's if you and your DH tell them they have to because you can't manage so many visits in such a small flat.

If they're so selfish they can't see that, then not visiting at all will become their choice.

Win - Win

AKMD · 23/07/2012 11:47

YANBU, outrageous behaviour on the part of your ILs. If your DH is on side then lock the door, turn off the lights and pretend you're out this evening. BIL can sort himself out.

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2012 12:21

They do it because you let them. You and your DH both need to grow a backbone.

girlywhirly · 23/07/2012 14:00

I think the rearranging the kitchen episode would have done it for me, I would have told them there and then that if they weren't satisfied with the flat as it was they could stay somewhere else. The problem is that they still see DP as a young boy, and treat him as such. If he stood up to them and backed you up, things would be a lot better.

Yes wait until they tell you they're coming, and say no it's not convenient and they can't stay. Sometimes it's easier than if they give you lots of warning, because not knowing until the last minute you could reasonably have something else going on such as decorating, or be away yourselves.

LemonBreeland · 23/07/2012 14:12

Not a chance I'd be putting up with people telling me they were visiting. And a week is taking the piss. That is way too long. Time for you and dh to grow a pair and stop putting up with it.

bobbledunk · 23/07/2012 14:14

Just tell them that they'll have to stay somewhere else because your home is too small for constant staying guests. It doesn't matter if they've already booked the flights (how rude), they're not entitled to invite themselves to stay in your home whenever they feel like it. If they turn up anyway, you're under no obligation to answer the door and if you don't, they won't do it again.

BettySuarez · 23/07/2012 14:18

Yup, you both need to man up I'm afraid Grin

No way would anyone tell me when they were visiting.

Why on earth have you put up with this for so long?

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 14:50

I had this once and spent the days going out alone with DD saying oh I have plans sorry I b back later Grin they got the message

Inertia · 23/07/2012 16:24

YANBU to not want them there so much.

YABu to let them just keep coming instead of telling them no, it isn't convenient.

two2blackcats · 23/07/2012 16:26

yanbu

but I do understand it isn't QUITE as simple as "grow a pair." Your DP definitely needs to back you here and I would personally try to explain what you've said here. I do really sympathise though.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 23/07/2012 16:35

YANBU to get annoyed, but YABU not to have killed them already Grin.

I agree, your DP needs to get on board. Present a united front; BOTH of you (or just him) say 'This week isn't convenient. You're always welcome as long as you give us x days/weeks notice.' If they moan that they've already booked flights, just repeat 'We're sorry but this week, with no notice, isn't convenient.'

It won't be easy but you need to stick to it.

As for ' I have to scrub the flat from top to bottom when mil comes as she can be very judgemental', WHY are people so influenced by what their nightmare relatives think? If anyone judged/commented on the state of my house they'd get a piece of my mind and no further invites.

Please be firmer with them. You and DP. And good luck!

Original poster
Keepcalmanddrinkgin · 23/07/2012 17:26

If it were my parents acting like this I would have told them to eff off and not to be so rude but I feel that as it is his parents, HE should be the one telling them that they are being inappropriate. I wouldn't expect him to tell my mother not to come over. Dp moans more than me about it but does nothing! I am already public enemy number one with grandmil after refusing to take ds -in his buggy- into the cente of a very busy city to meet her. It would have been a nightmare! Although she did stay in a hotel so would like to remain in the good books with the rest of them. It doesn't help that all most his family are highly confrontational.

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 23/07/2012 17:30

United front, OP. You BOTH need to agree on what to say/do, then say and do it.

knackeredmother · 23/07/2012 17:38

My dad used to do this, just tell me when he was coming. I love to see him but it's not not asking if it's convenient that grates. I started saying we already had guests that week so it wasn't convenient. However he doesn't come at all now which is sad so tread carefully.

Adversecamber · 23/07/2012 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 23/07/2012 20:05

Tell your husband to do the cleaning/hosting/entertaining!!

Next time they "tell" you-tell them it´s not convenient & if they don´t want to cancel a flight-tell them to book somewhere to stay.

It´s hard.

My Dad used to do this.

Problem was that as a SAHM, I was always saying that whatever he booked was OK-so he started to book first!

diddl · 23/07/2012 20:08

But if you are the one doing the cleaning & hosting, then I think that that gives you the "right" to tell the ILs either no or stay somewhere else.

It´s your home as well.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/07/2012 20:36

"If it were my parents acting like this I would have told them to eff off and not to be so rude but I feel that as it is his parents, HE should be the one telling them that they are being inappropriate."
I would feel the same. So make him do it. Tell him if he doesn't, you will choose a method of telling them that will cause the maximum fallout and offence, and that he will than be left to deal with THAT alone. It will be far easier on him in the long run if he bites the bullet and tells them to stop imposing themselves on you both all the time.

skateboarder · 23/07/2012 20:58

Dh has a relative that used to do this. It was a case that they were off work (shifts allowed long breaks) and they would announce that they were coming sun and for 6 days. I was off on mat leave at the time but dh was still expected to be around.
A combination of things changed the visits but speaking to dh about my feelings about the visits helped. He really didnt see the things i saw or experience the dread when a visit was looming.
Get dh on side, you are meant to be a team.
Good luck!

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