Or should I stick to my guns?

[MayaAngelCool]

SIL is looking after DCs next week as I'll be away. She has a real problem with nappies - in her own words she's 'precious' about changing even wee nappies (i.e. she dabs away delicately, only applies cream on DD's external bits and is obviously deeply uncomfortable with the whole thing), let alone pooey ones (which she avoids like the plague - even got her 85-yo mother to do it. MIL is robust-ish for her age, but not strong enough to hold DD without toppling, and her vision is faltering - great when cleaning a massive poo, right?).

Despite this annoying stuff SIL loves the kids and they love her. I've agreed to her looking after them as long as DH works from home (he's self-emp) and he does all the pooey nappy changes. Which means effectively that SIL will have to make sure she's relatively close to our home in case DD poos.

Also DD has recently had a painful nappy rash, poor darling, because she won't tell us when she's done a poo. So I am feeling rather nervous about putting SIL in charge because of this, but happier that DH will be around to do nappies. Now. SIL does tend to put on emotional pressure to get her own way. And DH is sometimes firm with her, but sometimes caves in for a quiet life. So...

[here come two godawful puns]

I know that SIL will kick up a stink about this when we tell her (see what I did there? ) because she'll want to take the kids out on day trips instead of staying in the local area. I will say firmly, but in the nicest way possible, that it's tough shit . She's a grown woman, she should just be able to get on with changing nappies properly, however unpleasant she finds it. DH and I have given her loads of time with the kids and lots of opportunities to change nappies over the years and every single time she's gone all gaga when it comes to nappy changing. So my patience has evaporated. There will be no more chances for her to 'prove herself' with regard to nappies. My primary responsibility is to my children's well-being, not to the whims of a grown woman who needs to get over herself a bit.

AIBU?

Are you actually willing to pay for DD to attend nursery full time while you are away and DH is working or are these going to be empty threats? Your SIL should be able to change a nappy but if she will not, she is an adult and can be told that this is an issue and that you will be paying someone to do it.

What is your alternative plan if not SIL? Because if you don't have one, don't bother to challenge her. She knows what is expected and has made her position clear, you now need to decide on yours.

Personally I don't think YABU as you have clearly said, you have to think of your DD. However, make sure you are polite about it. Don't come across as aggressive about the issue, just be clear with her. I am sure she understands you can't just leave a stinky poo as your DD will get a rash [she already has one, so it'll get worse] and that she will smell after a while. Just explain that she has to be close by, within a couple of miles if possible so if poops arise then DH can deal with it. Either that or find something fun to do in the garden or go for a litle walk in a local park etc.

I hope this turns out OK. :) At least she's a nice woman who likes your DCs, that helps a lot more than someone who hates kids.

Yup, I have two backup carers, the reason why we've invited SIL is because as I said she and the kids love each other and also she's always eagerly offering to help and spend time with them. I'm not going to threaten to send DD elsewhere at the outset, because that will get SIL's back up even more. But if DD develops a nappy rash then I will have serious words with DH and insist he sends her to someone else.

Euphemia - I agree - it is bloody nonsense. But I don't care about whether sIL copes, what I care about is DD's health.

Enigma - thanks. And yes, I have to breathe and try not to be bolshy about it! It gets very difficult discussing any conflicts with SIL as she talks right over you, refuses to listen and then gets all upset. Blimey. So I shall have to breathe, breathe, breathe.

Chicken - I should say that actually I'd far rather pay my backup carers and feel confident about the childcare arrangements, than have free care but worry all week that DD will be developing a sore bottom. But you have to make certain concessions with family sometimes, don't you?

So, even though she will not change their nappies, she would want to " take the kids out on day trips instead of staying in the local area" where she can return them to your DH to deal with it? Sorry, but is she stupid?

I'm not sure I'd want her to take them further than the garden. And if she didn't like it, tough.Your children are people, not toys for her amusement. Their needs clearly trump her wants. I wouldn't even be giving her this chance, you have far more patience with her than I ever would.

Forget family.

If she wants to do the childcare, she has to accept the whole shitty package.

If she's not willing to do so, then make other arrangements.

Oops, psted before seeing your latest posts OP. Can I ask you about this?
" I'm not going to threaten to send DD elsewhere at the outset, because that will get SIL's back up even more."
"Even more". So her back is up already? That would make me bristle and tell her to eff off.

"But you have to make certain concessions with family sometimes, don't you?"
Why?

Your dd has a nappy rash because you haven't noticed when she is dirty?Tbh,I think it's a bit rich that you are being so fussy about your Sil's standard of nappy changing,bearing that in mind.

If your SIL noticed the child had a dirty nappy,would she change it at all or leave the child in it for hours?

She sounds very...odd. I'd use the back ups or have dh take days off work for the day trips.

If she wants something to parade about in a buggy, get her a Tiny Tears or something!

Why on earth would you hand your DD over to an incompetant?

Hilda, her nappy rash developed because she suddenly stopped telling us when she was doing poos, so we didn't notice to start with. Kids change, don't they? And she also changed to doing several small poos a day instead of one very noticeably smelly big one. As soon as we noticed this, we changed the way we monitor her, and she's been rash-free for weeks. SIL would most likely leave DD in a dirty nappy for longer than is safe for DD's health.

WhereYouLeftIt - sigh. Long story, that's all I'll say! But you are absolutely spot on in both your posts.

Sugar - yes. You're right too. But DH is self-emp with masses of work, and also long story again!

ROFL at Tiny Tears!

Having looked after my friends children I'm only too aware that small, harder poos don't always get detected straight away. It's why I check every hour to see if we have a little surprise.

My friends XH is the same he says he doesn't feel comfortable touching near his sons privates etc but he is his Dad and how else can his sons nappy be changed if his xW isn't anywhere around it's a bit ridiculous.

I understand nappy changing is pretty crappy oh how punny I am but it needs to be done. Just carry anti bacterial wipes/gel in your handbag like I do and you'll be fine.

"If she wants something to parade about in a buggy, get her a Tiny Tears or something!" TheHappyHissy

Thank you Enigma. Changing other people's kids' nappies is far more unpleasant, than your own kids' nappies, isn't it? But as you say you just have to get on with it! I even bought surgical gloves for SIL once but it made no difference - it's almost like a semi-phobia of I'm not sure what - the child's privates? The smells, the bodily fluids? All of it? I don't know what but also I don't give a shit (arf). If you're looking after kids you look after everything properly or you don't do it at all.

Enigma, I will ask her to check every hour, just like you do. Good idea.

Just had an idea, could you provide her with disposable gloves and disposable pinnies like nursery workers wear?

I'd let her take the children but with about 10 nappies and instructions to change the youngest every hour poo or no poo.

In my opinion the chance of your dd developing a deeper bond with her auntie outweighs the risk of nappy rash.

My cousin came to stay last summer with her dd's one was in nappies, I asked my DP to babysit (he is great with the girls and my cousin was happy with the plan) he said no because the youngest was in nappies and he felt wrong changing the nappy of a girl child that wasn't his. I never knew people felt funny about changing a baby's nappy, I work with kids so nappy changes are just second nature to me. I guess some people are just a little bit prudish about that sort of thing.

What would worry me more than the nappy rash would be SIL's attitude when changing the nappy, depending on how old DD is she might pick up on SIL's negative feelings and associate her bit/nappy changing with the negative feelings.

SugarBatty - tried that years ago with DS. Made no difference. Ridiculous, isn't it? As honeytea said, it's prudishness (or something else...who knows?).

Samantha - I agree - it's not pleasant but if you agree to look after a child in nappies, as you say, she should just do it.

honey - DD can develop a deeper bond with her auntie without risking a nappy rash. That's what I'm gunning for. I'm not concerned about her attitude while changing, though - DH and I and everyone else who does her nappies are all positive people with a positive attitude about nappy changing, so I can't see that a few nappy changes by someone who's being prudish is going to influence her. Although if SIL had to change her every hour she'd probably faint!

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I'm glad to see that others can see how absurd this situation is.

Is this a joke thread?

You've 'invited' your SIL to look after your children for free?

No, 'invited' is probably a bad choice of word as I was typing faster than I was thinking. She asked if she could spend time looking after the kids and we agreed. That's what I meant to say.