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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to pay for this birthday

12 replies

scattermummy · 22/07/2012 10:59

ds 13 has been invited to a party in a posh venue.
The girl is inviting over 50 people.

Ds says he has to giver her £10 for her birthday as that is what all the other boys are giving her.

I'm happy to give a tenner for one of his friends when it is their birthday but I have four dcs and a tenner to everyone who has a birthday is getting a bit much.

I would love to know the correct etiquette he recently went to the following 2 birthdays .

Party no 1. Went to a football match,paid for by the child (still sent him with money as I diddnt expect family to pay but they did)

Party no2. Went to cinema.birthday boy did not pay(which is fine) so it cost me the money for cinema plus popcorn and drink plus the tenner for the child.

Now I don't mean to sound tight as I'm really not,but as kids go out for someone's birthday and pay for themselves,are you still expected to pay a tenner on top for the child?

Is he really expected to pay a tenner to the girl at the party next week?

I'm genuinely interested to know how to do the right thing,but am a bit alarmed at paying all this money that we can I'll afford.

Ds does get pocket money ,but not a lot as his activities cost a lot ,and we pay for him to go to cinema ect

OP posts:

JumpingThroughHoops · 22/07/2012 11:01

Presents aren't really vogue at that age. I would expect them to be organising their own trips/treats as in cinema etc. They are young adults, would you expect your friend to pay for a meal or your cinema ticket if you went out? I wouldnt. Boys don't generally do the whole present thing either.

Pagwatch · 22/07/2012 11:03

I am not sure you have the right story.
Are you sure that the simply hasn't told you what all his friends have said they are giving?
I have never been asked to contribute to a birthday. I would be a bit surprised if I was.
If the party is an outing I always ask but no, never had to pay anything on top.
I would check.

talkingnonsense · 22/07/2012 11:04

If he's paying for his tickets, just a card or chocs is fine. If party is paid for by the inviting family, about a tenner sounds right.

Original poster

scattermummy · 22/07/2012 11:23

He says that all his friends are giving the girl ten pounds as a present.When it was his birthday he also got a few tenners,although not from everyone,which is absolutely fine too.

Is sounds a bit mercenary to say that he can only give a tenner if they pay for the party! Obviously some people can pay more than others,and I think that they should feel able to attend parties without having to cough up a tenner.

He says that I haven't got a clue !!

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 22/07/2012 11:30

No. He is wrong. No one should feel obliged to pay a specific amount.

Ds1 never 'paid' to go to a party and always got a mix of gifts in terms of value.

I think your ds feels he needs to give £10 and is trying to convince you that 'everyone else is'. Only you can decide if you will go along with it or not tbh.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 22/07/2012 11:33

I would expect to give a present if I was invited to an adults birthday party, and I'd get my child a present to give if they were going to a birthday party. So Im not sure why it should be any different for teenagers.

I think it's fair enough not to give a present, or to only give something little like sweets if a guest is paying for themselves to attend, but if a guest is being hosted, as your ds is by going to a party at a posh venue, then it's nice to give a gift.

I don't think the gift giving is the issue here, it's the fact that as much as a tenner is expected. A fiver would be more appropriate for teenagers.

blueglue · 22/07/2012 11:42

He isn't paying to go to the party, he just wants to give her a birthday present of £10 because that's what his friends are giving her. Sounds ok to me if I have got the right end of the stick.

If the £10 is difficult for you to find, why don't you suggest that you will give him £5 and he could make up the other £5 from his pocket money? Sounds like he wants to fit in with his friends by giving the same gift/value - doesn't really sound like anything to do with the birthday girl/venue (?)

elvisaintdead · 22/07/2012 17:43

If the £10 is as a gift then can he not just buy a gift instead of giving her £10 - girls ae relatively easy to buy for as teens - gift set, jewellery, handbag...etc which he could probably get for a fiver. I an understand him not wanting to give five monetary pounds when others are giving ten as stuff like that can be tricky for teens but with an actual gift it's harder to tell how much a person has spent. Why does it have to be hard cash?

GnocchiNineDoors · 22/07/2012 17:47

If a tenner is too much could he eatn the extra? If you give typically £5 as a present suggest he has to contribute the other £5

Dprince · 22/07/2012 18:09

Sounds to me like he wants to give her £10, because that's what his friends are doing. Don't most kids want to be the same as their friends?

Selks · 22/07/2012 18:17

At 13 surely he should be funding presents (which the tenner is) for his friends birthdays out of his own allowance?

Original poster

scattermummy · 22/07/2012 20:17

Thanks for all your ideas.I think the idea of me giving a fiver and also him is a good one.
It is just a bit of a worry with having four dcs and all the parties that they attend.
I'm very good at finding really nice presents for a few pounds for the younger three, so now that the bar has been set higher with the amount ,it is a lot to find.
Thanks all

OP posts:

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