To not take any pleasure from spending time with "fifteen-e-rife" women?

[Tawnyhairedandgoldenlimbed]

Do you ever feel it's very hard to make new friends as many women you meet are so self-absorbed they talk 'at you' for Britain but don't actually show the faintest genuine interest in you?

As I get older, I am realising how unusual it is to meet empathetic women. I don't know if it is insecurity on their part, plain bad manners, a huge desire to impress or what.

Surely a friendship is based on a genuine regard for the other person. So if i meet someone new and, for example, they asks me "any little tawnies?" and I say "yes, 8 and 6 they're really happy to have broken up now, looking forward to hols" or whatever, that person if genuinely interested, would then ask another question, not launch into half an hour on their own life without pausing for breath.

I have about three very close friends that I've made over the last thirty years. We genuinely care about each other and can easily spend ages talking about one of our lives without the other feeling the need to 'outdo' the other (ie. "we just got back from tenerife". "oh, we're going to fifteen-e-rife" etc etc.

I am a very normal, cheerful, friendly person, honestly. I just find it so boring to be around women who don't seem to want to find common ground with you, just to witter on inanely and 'outdo' everything you say. I do wonder if they have any genuine friendships with anyone.

Is it me? AIBU?

I absolutely am with you on this one! I have perhaps two very lovely, very empathetic female friends who I love to pieces. I can tell them anything, however embarrassing or intimate, and I will listen to anything they want to tell me.

But I have many more acquaintances who, as you say, show no genuine interest in me at all. I don't actually mind listening to a constant stream of babble as I think you can learn a lot about the speaker, but I value my time with my good friends more than anything.

Lol at fifteen e rife, I had no idea what you meant.
Tbh I'm thinking a lot about friends at the moment as I've realised I have few true friends and trying to figure out why - I think I'm getting there :) I do know a few people like you describe but most of the women my age are compleltely the opposite. Genuinely supportive and deliberately avoid competitiveness.

They've asked you if you have children and you've given them some info about your children, so they then find common ground and share their own experiences with their children? Rather than asking for more and more info about your children? I don't see the problem. It's a two way process. Why do you only want to talk about your own children, but not for them share their experiences too?

Yeah I see what you're saying. People like that are boring, at least it makes them easier to filter.

What does "fifteen-e-rife" mean?

So basically you want to talk about your kids but not theirs?

Sorry mulberrymoon, i didnt explain that very well. Was just using children as an example. I'll give another one - went out for supper on fri with two couples - one of the women someone empathetic and the other the wife of a friend of DH who is very loud and confident. The two women hadn't met before. It came up in conversation that empathetic friend is a midwife - other woman immediately says - "oh i know two midwives - well actually they used to be - they're in management now". What a bizarre conversation killer! Why was that comment necessary? Why didnt she say "a midwife? Oh cool job, which hospital?" and lead the conversation about my friend further.

Do you seen what i mean?

I get that!! I have three very close friends. They are not particularly friends with each other, but get on when we all meet up because I instigate it. They are all very lovely people and will even ask each other and listen to each other. That's why they are my friends.

Other than that, I meet ans talk to a lot of people who are what I call black cats, you know, if you have a black cat, they have one blacker.

I did wonder what fifteen e rife was about, but it explains it perfectly.

Hmm, are they truly being competitive? Or do you have issues with your own insecurities and are less open-minded and willing to get to know new people?

I don't think this is a one sided thing. I think, if you are settled, have long term comfortable friends that you are less inclined to make the effort and get beyond pleasantries than you would have been when you were younger as you have no need to.

I find this comment particularly telling:
I just find it so boring to be around women who don't seem to want to find common ground with you, just to witter on inanely and 'outdo' everything you say.

You, yourself judge them immediately as being are boring, think they are wittering and judge them as try to outdo you - how can they find that common ground and develop a friendship if you don't give the benefit of the doubt and you can't be bothered to respond in a positive fashion?

How did the conversation move on from there? Did the empathetic friend ask the other woman about her job? Did the non empathetic one ask any more about midwifery?

Tawny, re the midwives thing - its attempting to try and engage and fit in. Not compete. And you are giving a hostile, negative and tbh rude reaction to that instead of trying to engage and make her feel more relaxed, comfortable, welcome and part of the group.

Sorry, but its YOUR attitude that sucks, not the other woman's.

YANBU to find people like this annoying but YABU to pin point this on women.

It's not just women who do this. It's just selfish people.

I have an old aquaintance (friend would be pushing it as I find her a bit much). I hadn't seen her for ages,we have DCs of the same age, partners work at same company and they live a few roads away. I invited her round a few weeks ago and we had a great time. Downed a couple of and chatted about anything and everything.

Great - I thought. I must have got her all wrong. She is not the selfish, self centred idiot I always had her down as.

Fastforward a week and we meet with another friend in a bar - the same woman who I had a lovely evening with was domineering, me, me , me , barely drew breath between the dull tirade about what a genious her 6 year old is and what an academic loss her 9 year old is and interrrpupted us constantly. It was a dialogue not a conversation.

I won't be doing that again.

But it shows people can behave differently in different social situations. The woman in question is competetitive and pre children liked to be the 'leader' of our little gang of friends (yes I know it's a bit school playground by trying to gove a description of her)

what a strange thread

maybe i am just lucky but haven't really met any of these types of people. and if i did, i wouldn't bother about them tbh

I like hearing about other people's experiences. I find it more interesting than being asked lots of questions. I don't feel like I have found common ground with someone unless they have shared their experiences.

No mulberry, that's exactly it. Lovely Empathetic friend had already been treated to a non-pause for breath monologue on other lady's career. Other lady didn't even ask what empathetic friend did, it just came up in conversation and that comment above was the response.

What amuses me to some extent was that at end of evening, DH said to me "that was a fun evening, wasnt it?" and I just smiled and said yes, lovely. He is brilliant and lovely in a million ways but i wouldnt bother to try to explain this to him.

Megan74, absolutely agree, of course it's not just women. But I dont want or expect to make a new close male friend.

Mulberry, i dont want to be subjected to a stream of questions either! Just want to feel im in an empathetic conversation where ball is thrown back and forth.

Nope, rarely meet women like this. Most people I've met have been interesting and interested.

Although thinking about it, maybe I love finding out more about people so haven't actually noticed they show no interest in me .

I have a friend (more of a long term acquaintance, we're in the same social circle but we've rarely socialised as just the two of us) who has a different, but equally annoying strategy.

She'll ask you a question about your life, but within about 30 seconds turns away and starts talking to other people and you find yourself talking to the back of her head or, even, thin air. Some years ago I just put it down to her being constantly distracted by her DC (who didn't seem to have ever been told it's rude to interrupt) as I hadn't particularly noticed her doing it when the DC weren't around.

But recently a small group of us went out for a meal. She asked me a Q about something that's been going on in my life over the last couple of months (nothing earth shattering!) and ... once again, within about 30 seconds of my starting to explain she literally turned away from me and started talking to someone else, leaving me with my mouth flapping open like a stranded fish.

I don't actually care whether she's interested in my life or not. If she's not, then it wouldn't bother me that she didn't bother to ask. But if she does ask, then it would be nice of her to pay the courtesy to listen to my answer to her question.

Oddly enough, the oneupmanship in our group of friends seems to be more predominant in the men rather than the women

I've got a friend like this so I know what you mean. She can talk for hours about herself and her life on the phone and then at the end of the monologue ask how I'm doing. I'll say maybe one sentence and she'll not ask anything further on it but instead be like oh, I won't keep you any longer, speak soon!

When I told her I was pregnant (on phone as she was abroad) I'd already listened / asked questions about her life for about 20 mins before telling her my news. Her response was pretty much, 'aw that's great. I'm thinking of having another baby blah blah blah!'

I don't think I am naturally the most empathetic or best conversationalist but I really try to remember to ask and show an interest in others lives. I also usually feel most comfortable with people who are very talkative as it takes the pressure for conversation off me. I think this particular friend is maybe just too talkative!

I like people who talk a lot. I find it restful. Most of my friends go on and on. I like it because I don't have loads of small talk myself. If I do start talking I bang on for years about my latest obsession and need to be talked over after a while before everyone dies of boredom.

I have a lot of very brassy type-a mates.

So, I guess, these people don't work for you, but they're not horrible people. They're just different.

On my 2nd shift back from long-term sick leave: at break; one girl said she's joining the TA & the older colleagues were encouraging her by talking about their relatives / their own armed forces experiences; then i was asked what i thought so... i asked her if she would feel guilty about fighting in illegal wars... there was dead silence & i'm sure they all thought i was weird or worse, a traitor.. :(

Later on the shift was quiet so my colleagues talked about: holidays (i can't afford them); cars (i can't drive for medical reasons); husbands & children (wish i had them)... basically nothing i could join in with.
I hid in the toilet for 5 minutes trying not to cry, i felt so lonely;- then i thought well i need to try my best or i will be very unhappy.

So i asked them questions & showed an interest in their lives. It wasn't reciprocated that shift or even the next.

But my show of interest in them had made them care about me again. so they ask about what i do outside work now & are actually interested in my life & my interest in their lives is now genuine.
I still don't like it when people start doing 'holiday boasting' - ie. if one person's travelling to an unusual & exotic location, then at least 2 others will know every intimate detail of the place already or be going somewhere even more unusual - but i probably bore them at times too.

(i've never made the mistake of discussing politics again though!)

I rarely meet women like that...

maybe it's ME who is like that, haha.

I find most people seem so kind and interested. Where do you live? i find the country very friendly, London very unfriendly

South coast, large town near the countryside... tbh i find the boasting thing is among my those colleagues who are well-to-do Middle Class - & to give them credit where it's due, they are aware of when it's inappropriate to boast... eg if one of us who has much less money books a holiday eg a package to Majorca, then the MC 'holiday boasters' just say 'have fun' & ask about our holidays when we get back.

Conversation skills are learned not innate. You have to be more tolerant of others' flaws.