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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed with DH about his binge-drinking?

20 replies

Moominsummermadness · 21/07/2012 07:16

I'm posting here and not in relationships as DH is lovely most of the time, and we get on fine. I've just got an issue with what happens whenever he goes out at the moment. I posted in here a few weeks ago, as he'd been out a lot while the football was on, and then one night he stayed out all night without letting me know that he wouldn't be home, and I was furious.
Last night, he went out, and did come back before 2am, as he'd promised he would. However, he was so drunk, he couldn't stand up. He fell asleep on the sofa, then about an hour later, he crawled into our bedroom, full-dressed, and I could see that he'd wet himself. I told him I didn't want him in bed with me (and 5 year old DD had got in with me too, and was fast asleep). He then went back downstairs. A bit later, I needed the loo, and he'd pissed all over the bathroom. I cleaned it all up, and went back to bed- in the meantime, he'd got into DD's vacant bed. This morning, I went in to DD's room to open a window (as it smelt like a brewery, and he was lying there in a puddle of his own wee. I woke him up, threw some clean bedding and a bowl of disinfectant at him, and told him to change the sheets and scrub the mattress. Of course, he was still drunk, and simply slunk off into our bedroom. So I've had to change the sheets, scrub the mattress (luckily was almost dry, at least), and make the bed. To make it worse, it's my DD2's 9th birthday (she's mine from previous marriage), and she'll be home from her dad's in half an hour, and will want DH to watch her opening her presents. She's got a bowling party at midday, and he's going to be about as much use as a chocolate teapot. He'd promised me that he wouldn't get so drunk as to be hungover and ruin the day. I wouldn't mind him going out if he didn't get so drunk- he's 36, not 18 and I end up feeling like I'm his mum. AIBU to think that he needs to calm it down a bit? I'm 31 weeks pregnant so could do without the stress! I feel anxious when he's out, as I know he'll be in a state!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 21/07/2012 07:19

Disgusting behaviouor and a pattern is emerging isn't it :-(

Firstly, why are you cleaning up his pee?

Secondly why has he sabotaged your DD's birthday?

I would get through today and then strong words about it not happening again

RaisinDEtre · 21/07/2012 07:22
Sad

How often does he come home drunk?

Peeing in a child's bed is somehow even more disgusting than peeing in the marital bed

Sparkletastic · 21/07/2012 07:23

That is absolutely disgusting and I really don't understand why you cleaned up after him. He needs to make amends today (buying poor DD another mattress would be the least of it). You need a serious discussion about the consequences of this happening again. I wouldn't let him in the house in future - if he pisses all over a friend's bathroom and bedroom perhaps it won't seem like such a great night out next time.

Mama1980 · 21/07/2012 07:23

Absolutely disgusting! I am Angry on your behalf. I certainly wouldn't be cleaning up his pee- though I do understand in you dd s room. Yuck just horrible. I would have very serious words when he is awake and sober, this is no way for a grown up to behave and is frankly disgusting.

RaisinDEtre · 21/07/2012 07:23

I imagine she is cleaning up because he is no state to, and it's making the house stink

Gosh yes to sabotaging DD's birthday, not thought of that.

rubyslippers · 21/07/2012 07:25

He has to see the impact - if the house smells it is his fault

He wakes up to a clean bed, clean clothes and a clean house he has no consequences to deal with

Moominsummermadness · 21/07/2012 08:00

Yes, I cleaned it up because it's not fair on DD with it being her room, and the bathroom because it's not fair on any of us! I'd rather the children didn't know, particularly my oldest DD's, due back any minute. They're old enough to realise what's going on, and frankly I feel embarrassed by his behaviour and don't want them telling anyone! I think I will have to wait until the DDs have all gone to bed tonight, and then have a frank discussion with him. I feel that if I mention it when he gets up, I'll erupt, and I don't want anything to ruin DD2s birthday. I've left his jeans to deal with, and he can't just leave them, as his wallet is in the sodden pocket!

OP posts:
KellyElly · 21/07/2012 08:08

Jesus. I did my share of binge drinking years ago in my childless days and I can honestly say I NEVER got myself in such a state that I wet myself. That really is drinkibng to excess and he has a problem. If he did this once and it was an isolated incident then fine but if this is repeated behaviour he needs to stop drinking now and you need to put your foot down. No adult should be this pissed around kids. Its a problem and you need to get him to address it before it gets any more out of hand.

carabos · 21/07/2012 08:14

My DH isn't a big drinker but went through a phase a few years back where when we went out now and then he would completely let go of the steering wheel and get totally trashed - mainly because he didn't know his limit. He didn't wet the bed, but he would be too pissed to get upstairs and would collapse in a heap.

I got so fed up with it that one night I refused to let him in the house and made him sleep in the car.

He hasn't done it since. He needed a grand gesture to make him realise that I wasn't putting up with it and he needed to be made cold and uncomfortable to realise that it wasn't worth it.

I suggest you stop enabling him and give him a nasty shock.

KellyElly · 21/07/2012 08:17

Just re-read my post and wanted to say not just the pissed around kids no adult should be this pissed at all. It's so dangerous and in some cases can lead to death! Being that drunk leaves you open to alchohol poisoning and easy to choke on your own vomit. I hope you can get him to listen to you as he's being really selfish. He isn't a student he's part of a family!

NameGames · 21/07/2012 08:17

Of course YANBU to think he needs to calm down, but you are being a bit unreasonable thinking the fact he is lovely most of the time means this isn't a relationship problem. I'm not trying to push you off to the Relationships board, just saying this is a serious problem, not a little thing you can deal with by ranting on the Internet occasionally. Get yourself some proper help and support.

I see why you clear up, can I suggest if you do this again that you at least take photos though? Evidence to show him, and also to remind you of exactly what happens and how often.

eslteacher · 21/07/2012 08:21

That is awful. Even in my student days I don't remember seeing anyone so drunk that they wet themselves. Let alone a grown man with a family. To me that is hardcore alcoholic behaviour.

I think what you do next depends on some other factors. Will he admit his drinking is way out of control? How often does this happen? Is he capable of just having a couple of drinks and stopping there, or does he get plastered every time he drinks?

HandMadeTail · 21/07/2012 08:30

This is a real drinking problem, and YABU to post in AIBU! Wink

I don't really have any advice about how to make him understand that this is a serious problem, but I do think Relationships might be a better board to post on.

This behaviour is harmful to your DC and harmful to your relationship. Please get proper help.

ThePigOnTheWall · 21/07/2012 08:30

First of all, you poor thing. You must be shattered. Hope you manage to get through today alright

Now, first of all I'd like to say that both me and dp like a drink. I am not po faced about going out and having too many.

When dp goes out with his mates he will come crawling in to bed but he always cleans his teeth, and the worst that happens is that he wakes me to warm his feet up on me.

Now when I read your op, first of all I was reasonably sympathetic that he'd wet himself when he came in (only a bit) but then I read that he had wet himself three times and I was appalled

To compound this, he expects you to clear up after him when you are heavily pregnant (let's leave aside why you did clear up for now), lets you down over DD's birthday, and generally shows you and your dd a complete lack of respect

So, this leads to the conclusion that he is not "lovely" but an arrogant pig that treats you like a domestic. And that needs addressing.

Isityouorme · 21/07/2012 08:30

I would ban him from attending my dds party. He clearly has no respect for any of you as he pisses everywhere.

Are you the op whose "d"h shat everywhere before when pissed?

holyfishnets · 21/07/2012 08:42

Hide the wallet for perverse fun.

I'd give him lots of responsibly at the party - act as if hadn't been out drinking and give him all the normal jobs you'd normally give him on such an occasion. Don't budge an inch and tell him.

He broke a promise and on such an important occasion. He has let you all down.

Tell him that this is the last time it's going to happen. Tell him there will be serious consequences next time and he will have to go live somewhere else. Then kick him out for a few days next time.

Tell him to change his drinking partner/friends.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 21/07/2012 11:03

Next time he gets that drunk, immac the work TWAT into his hair. Deny all knowledge of how it got there next day.

Sallyingforth · 21/07/2012 11:16

I'd tell him that in future he comes home sober, or not at all.

littlemissbroody26 · 21/07/2012 11:32

you poor think :( I am so angry with him and I don't even know him!

regardless of the birthday party it is no state to be in around kids, even other people's kids never mind his own!

I can see why you cleaned up, the children don't need to see that.

I wouldn't let my DP in the house if he was that drunk (not from personal experience my DP is the other extreme and thinks me drinking 3 shocking? glasses of wine is scandalous) he can sleep on the street like a dirty dog rather than pissing anywhere other than the loo in my home.

Do you think you could encourage him to go to the doctor about it, I would hope that he didn't do in intentionally as to intentionally get so drunk you piss in your childs bed is beyond horrid.

I'd make him be very involved in the party and then have a trip (by himself) to IKEA to buy a new matress.

Happy birthday to your dd :)

lastnerve · 21/07/2012 11:44

Is he apologetic when this happens or defiant?

I think is hes the first then maybe their is a chance of this changing, if its the latter than tbh I'd leave.

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