AIBU to want to feel confident

[cheekypickle]

Left hospital 3months ago now after being diagnosed with bi polar.

Am back at work -although I feel very nervous and unconfident about it.

I'm going to be spending a little more time with DD (11months) in the school holidays. She will be going to childminder 9-5 most days.

I just want to be confident again. People have said that I'm making good progress but I want to be back to my old self.

Everything I do I worry about.

Made the desicion of going part time 3days in sept but now I'm anxious about what to do in the summer

Anyone?

Well, of course YANBU to want to feel confident. But confidence is one of those things that has to be built slowly for it to actually be of any use.

The fact that you are back at work at all is something you should allow yourself to draw strength from. How far must you have come to have needed to be in hospital to now being able to go back to work? That is a huge achievement, and you should allow yourself to recognise it as that!

Look for the small achievements that you ARE making and acknowledge them for what they are.

Crikey, you're back at work! That's amazing so really well done. Look how far you've already come!

Is it spending time with DD that makes you nervous? Why is that?

Sounds to me like everyone is right, you are making fantastic progress. Outraged is right, you do have to build confidence, but you're already doing that. You've got my admiration for sure. Are there things you or others can do that would help you confidence-wise?

Im confidant as anything, but i have no self esteem, but i do think they go hand in hand, i don't know why i hate the way i look so much..

Make yourself feel good from the Inside, you are doing really well!

cheekypickle, this is not meant to be mean, but it is less gentle than my last post in response to you: please oh please go and get some real help rather than repeatedly posting similar concerns over and over (and over!) on AIBU. Or at least keep you questions confined to one of the many previous threads you have started. I will hazard a guess that you got limited replies because there is nothing people on the Internet can do for you. Get. Some. Real. Life. Help. Ok?

I agree with whols you need serious support to encourage bonding with your baby for starters. I think it is utterly unrealistic to be thinking of going back to work and it's a train crash waiting to happen and to be perfectly frank not fair on your work place or the kids in your class.
You need proper help and posting the same thing on here over and over again is not practical help. Tell your support team you are anxious. Where is your HV? She should be encouraging you to go to mums and toddler groups/Surestart at the very least. Mine visited once a week for the first year when I left hospital to check I was ticking along ok.

I can't work out if it is your dh who is pushing you back into work so everything 'gets back to normal' or it's you that is being unrealistic about what you can do when you are ill. It takes a long time to settle down after being ill.

Do you see a counsellor/psychaitrist on a regular basis? How is it going with your new meds?

Sorry if this is harsh but I do know what you are going through :)

Only just started on new meds so don't know the effect /change yet.

I really want to go back to work, I think it'll be good for me to have something to focus on.

I see phycologist about once a month

But why not focus on time with your dd? It seems like work is only an issue as you seem to be using it as avoiding the real issue which is bonding with your dd and becoming more confident with her. Forgive me if I have that totally wrong but that;s what it seems from your posts.

I'm spending some time with her over the holidays.

That's the reason for going part time so I can spend more time with her. mini monkey gym and swimming!

How do you feel if you just hang out at home, you know with her playing on a mat and you cleaning up/watching the telly?

I realise it is a different situation, and may not apply to bi-polar at all, and I haven't read any other threads mentioned so don't know the background, but: I found going back to work part time to be exactly what I needed to help me get through some very difficult PND. I found the companionship and the focus on something other than myself to be just ticket. And I felt I was a better mother in the days I had off. However, I knew the job would not be too stressful and I had supportive colleagues. I did also have counselling support too.

Agree with valium, go see somebody to talk to, that is O.k. Can you pay to see somebody privately once per week? AIBU isn't appropriate.

Valiumreshead

Hanging about at home I feel a bit anxious

Valiumredhead

I've never seen a name typo correction with 2 hours in between

But it's that you have to work on, you should be relaxed at home with you and your baby, that's what you need to work on and find out why you feel anxious. This is why you need RL support and help from professionals.

Every time I'm with her it gets easier