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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have not bought a card

25 replies

macdoodle · 19/07/2012 21:51

Its been a while since I posted but could use some MN wiseness.
I had a very acrimonious divorce from my XH, we have 2 DD's, DD1 10 and DD2 4. He was emotionally and physically abusive and very controlling. Its taken more than 5 years to get free of him.
He had an affair and has another DD who is 5 months older than my DD2.
My DD's have contact with him and their half sister, I have never met her, despite the fact she goes to my DD's school.
It was her birthday today (I hadnt realised).
My XH saw my DD's sunday, mon and tues. He didnt mention anything to them or take them to get her a card/present.
This morning, he rung my DD1 and had a go at her for not getting a card for her half sister.
I did think about getting one when I was out but TBh was pretty busy and DD2 was grumpy, and TBH I really dont think its my responsibility and he should have done it with them.
Tonight he rung DD1 and harangued her, told her she was mean and selfish for not getting something for her half sister (she is 10). She has been in bits, crying and doesnt want to see him tomorrow.
I dont really talk to him, we dont communicate well. So I sent him a text, asking why he expected her/me to do it and she was really upset. Got a load of abuse.
DD1 beside herself.
I think if I had just got a card it would have avoided all of this. But its not really for me to do surely.
Feel heartbroken for DD1.
AIBU, should I have just got a card?

OP posts:

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 19/07/2012 21:53

Shouldn't he bloody help her pick a card? She is too young to go shopping alone and it's not for you?

What a massive prick.

WithoutCaution · 19/07/2012 21:54

If he'd wanted them to get their half sister a card/gift he would have taken them/ given them some money towards it/ reminded them etc

GlitterySkulls · 19/07/2012 21:54

why didn't he get one on your girls' behalf?

dh & i get ds a card from dsd, & vice versa... we wouldn't expect dsd's mum to do it.

Groovee · 19/07/2012 21:55

It's his responsibility, not a 10 year old's. What a horrible man.

kinkyfuckery · 19/07/2012 21:55

OMG no it is not your responsibility to get a card!

I can't believe the cheek of the man asshole to be honest!

MerryMarigold · 19/07/2012 21:56

Maybe she needs to learn what he's really like. And perhaps make contact a little more difficult, especially if she doesn't want to see him.

Original poster

macdoodle · 19/07/2012 22:01

Sadly she is learning how he is :(:( Horrid for a 10 yr old.
She is very worried about tomorrow now, I can take her to school and avoid him in the morning, but he usually picks her up from school until I finish work. She can go to the CM or to a friend, but she is terrified he will pitch up and make a scene/make her go with him, he very well may do so. There is no way I can be there at end of school day.
All this over a card, which is why I wonder if I should have just got a card, but I spent many years pacifying him.
I have tried to explain that he is being unreasonable without slagging him off, but she is not buying it.

OP posts:

SmaugTheDragon · 19/07/2012 22:01

YANBU. You're right that it's not your responsibility to get the card, he should have done it with your dd's when he saw them on Sun, Mon or Tues! He is being incredibly unreasonable bullying your 10 year old daughter for not getting a card, she is a child fgs. Perhaps you could send him a text telling him how much his behaviour has upset your dd, and tell him in no uncertain terms that he won't be allowed to speak to her on the phone if he's going to be a nasty bastard. Don't feel guilty for not getting a card. Hope your dd is okay.

PissyDust · 19/07/2012 22:04

Will he expect you to buy a mothers day card for the OW next year?

He is bonkers, if a card is needed it is down to him to sort it out with DD.

MerryMarigold · 19/07/2012 22:06

I think she needs to know you are protecting her and that you're on her side. It doesn't matter if you have to slag him off a bit for this. Can you text him and say she wants to go to CM tomorrow as she is still feeling hurt about it? If he kicks off, then maybe tonight is the time to sort it out rather than tomorrow outside school...seriously would restrict access. He seems to have them a lot!

Original poster

macdoodle · 19/07/2012 22:10

We have a court ordered contact arragement. But he works away so is only really home 3-4 months a year.
When he is home, he takes them to school Mon, Tues and Fri and has them after school on those days till I finish work. He has them every other sunday 10-4. No overnights.
Sadly he sees it as his right. He won't listen to me I know from experience.
I would have to tell the school she is not going with him and for her to wait inside if he comes. He might kick off, he is unpredictable.

OP posts:

UsedtobeLou · 19/07/2012 22:11

Absolutely agree, completely his responsibility to help her buy a card. What an arse!!!!!

goodasgold · 19/07/2012 22:11

I hope your dd is OK. Can you call the school tomorrow and say that he is not allowed to pick her up, and that she has to go with your friend or cm?

It was not your responsibility. Make that clear to him. It sounds as if he is not through controlling you and will do that through your dd if necessary.

holyfishnets · 19/07/2012 22:39

No it's his responsibility to get her a card to send. Simple as that really. You shouldn't get a card and DD1 is too young to take responsibility for birthday cards. She could always draw one I guess though but it should be her Dad who organises/requests it.

holyfishnets · 19/07/2012 22:41

Is he going to bully her tomorrow when he sees her?

WildWorld2004 · 19/07/2012 22:53

What an arse he is. Shes 10, shes not gna think or maybe have money to buy a card. He should have bought a card & had them sign it when he had them.

DO NOT feel bad for not buying a card. Its not your responsibility to buy his child a card. Id be more angry at how he spoke to your dd.

LoveIsTooHard · 19/07/2012 23:03

He should have got the card with your DD in advance!!!

Why is it always the woman's job to buy cards etc?

YANBU

pigletpower · 20/07/2012 00:14

If you ring the school are they allowed to restrict access to him though? Is it life or death that you cannot be at the school gates tommorow? Warn the school if he is volatile and get them to cal police at any sign of nastiness.You are well rid of this cunt.

plainwhitet · 20/07/2012 08:08

Your daughter is too young to buy/organise the card on her own.
It is her dad's responsibility to do this.
However, in your shoes I would be livid at him for upsetting her now and I would take it on the chin for her and buy her one today in which she could write a sorry it's late message. I could not bear for a ten year old to be upset by a bullying adult over a blinkin birthday card. Mind you I am v non confrontational.
I would then make it clear to him that if he wants things to be "from" your girls then he has to organise it. Poor kid.

Inertia · 20/07/2012 08:17

YANBU. It is his responsibility to organise it. Does he organise cards from the children to your relatives?

He is an abusive man. There is no way you can guess in advance every incident which would trigger an episode of abuse - and you divorced him precisely because you didn't want to appease his controlling and abusive behaviour anymore.

I would ring school and explain the situation - If he is likely to be violent at school the teachers need to be prepared.

Gingerodgers · 20/07/2012 09:14

Going against the general opinion here, but I do think that you already know what an arsehole he is and have caused your dd a lot of heartache, by not thinking things thru. Of course it is his responsibility, but you could have easily avoided this. I am prepared to be gunned down for this.

MerryMarigold · 20/07/2012 09:30

ginger, she can't possibly second guess everything he is going to get into a huff about with his kids. And they need to see him as he is, anyway. They will sooner or later, it can't be avoided.

Tabliope · 20/07/2012 09:39

Ginger you have to stand up to these aresholes not appease them. OP, I think you need to face up to him however hard that will be and I bet it will be but if you don't you'll forever have these situations - unless you want to be a doormat like ginger thinks you should be.

Gingerodgers · 20/07/2012 19:20

I would consider protecting a 10yr old more important than my self esteem. Just saying, I don't expect you all to agree.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/07/2012 19:46

If he had wanted his ten-year old daughter to get a card for her half-sister, he would have taken her shopping and helped her pick one out. But that isn't what he wanted. He wanted to abuse and control her, and via her distress, abuse and control you. And it's working, you're beating yourself up because you didn't buy a card for a child who is a stranger to you!

See it for what it is. And help your daughter to see that it is all about him and nothing to do with her.

I hope it went OK today.

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