This could be very long, sorry. My aunt had a horrendous marriage to a violent alcoholic. She remained completely loyal to him despite him throwing plates at my gran, breaking my nose when I was 11 and her son being taken away from them by ss. They lost their house as he frittered all there money away.
We tried to be as supportive as possible both emotionally and financially.
Eventually, the night her son was taken into care my dm insisted my aunt and her daughter (was too old for ss input) come and stay her as they weren't safe.
DM fully supported them until they got a council flat. Not easy on a minimum wage and 2 dd to support.
My aunt was still giving him money and looking after him but being very secretive about it. I know it is horrid but really only she grieved him when his liver packed in.
She got a flat, we furnished it and helped sort out her bills but she really struggles to look after herself. At one point mum was having to tell her to wash her clothes/self. She and her flat were constantly filthy, to the point that my dh could tell by the smell if she had visited hours earlier.
We had a tough time in 2010 my DS was still born. 2 weeks later DM was told her cancer had returned and was terminal and my gran (mum's mum) 3 weeks after that was also told her cancer had returned and was terminal.
My aunt knew this was happening but instead of helping us or even just being there, went on a last minute holiday.
DM and gran were in opposite ends of the hospital and my dsis and I took my elderly grandad every visiting to see them. We took turns with other friends and relatives so we could get a break.
My grandad needed more help than previously as my gran had always done all the cooking and cleaning. He is no longer physically able to do it.
My mum got out and went to stay with him. She did the cooking and my sis, my aunt and I shared the cleaning.
My aunt then decided to give up her job to become her carer. I didn't think it would work as she can barely look after herself but she made herself out to be such a martyr. On numerous times DM wouldphone me in a panic because she needed my aunt but hadn't seen her in days.
I would travel over and sort things out but mum needed more care than my aunt could/would give. I became pregnant again and because of my history I had to be really careful. I still had to go and pick up the slack from my aunt. My dsis thought about quitting uni to come home to help.
I then ended up taking a premmie newborn to the house whilst I cleaned it and fed them. I didn't begrudge them as I would do anything for my DM and grandad but it did annoy me that she was accepting the money but not doing anything. When it was suggested that she couldn't cope and maybe we needed to look at professionals, she got very angry about her benefits being cut.
When DM passed away much sooner than expected one of the first things she asked about whilst we were sorting everything out was about her allowance.
She then decided to move in with Grandad and sublet her flat to her daughter. She said she was going to look after him.
The house filthy, his clothes dont get washed as much and she feeds him rubbish. He doesn't want to upset her as he thinks she does her best. I've suggested he gets a cleaner but she is putting up all sorts of stupid excuses.
We have also discovered that she has been helping herself to money from his accounts. He got upset when he saw the account balance. There were transactions from miss selfridge and new look. He doesn't want to go to the police as he feels he should give her money for looking after him. My point is: she doesn't look after him. She just tells all friends and family she does. She is bleeding him dry. I used to think she was depressed and had sympathy for her but I'm just fed up of her taking advantage of the sweetest old man.