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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it okay to say 'I want a trip out just the children and I?

15 replies

Vagaceratops · 19/07/2012 19:29

to S-MIL?

I promised DS1 that I would take him out to Think Tank in the holidays. We are going next Tuesday.

MIL has said that she will come along too, but I would really like just a day out with the children, I have been looking forward to it.

S-MIL is lovely but a bit bossy, and we always end up doing the things that she suggests, as she always manages to manipulate the situation. She also always invites herself along on the days out we do, and even once a holiday.

We do sped a lot of time with her. We are going to The Deep together the next week, and we have planned a picnic in the park next Wednesday so its not like I am stopping her from seeing the children in any way.

I just feel a bit selfish.

AIBU, and if I am not how can I word it so I dont sound like I am?

OP posts:

MattDamonIsMyLover · 19/07/2012 19:37

Difficult one. Are you with the kids for the entire summer? If so, I'd just put up with it TBH if she's generally nice. If you're at work and this is a bit of a treat for everyone, then it's worth saying so and not letting her tag along. I'm not confrontational, I don't know how I'd do it.

Littleprincessrocks · 19/07/2012 19:44

Just tell her.
Why not just explain that you want some bonding time with your children, and you don't want her tired out for the trip to the Deep as it is a lot of walking?
Or whilst you appreciate her help on these days out, you would like a day with just the kids.
If she doesn't like it that is her decision, you have included her in a lot of other events next week.
I just tell people straight though, life is too short for pussyfooting around the point.

thepeoplesprincess · 19/07/2012 19:49

Just say no. She can go fuck herself up the arse if she doesn't like it.

CrapBag · 19/07/2012 19:50

YANBU. Especially if she manipulates it to do things she wants to and invites herself in the first place, that in itself would annoy me.

No reason why you can't say that you want a day with just you and the DCs, especially as you are seeing her that week anyway. Far more time than I would spend with my MIL.

Not sure about the wording though, I am not known for my subtlety and diplomacy . Hopefully someone else will help with that.

I do like what Littleprincess said "whilst you appreciate her help on these days out, you would like a day with just the kids."

FartyMcTarty · 19/07/2012 19:54

Yes, 'I' is wrong in this context, it should be 'me'. In fact, the whole sentence is q bit clunky

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 19/07/2012 19:56

"Thank-you for offering to come, but we'll be going by ourselves that day. Sometimes its nice to have the children to myself that's why I didn't invite you. We'll see you the next day for the picnic though, and the following week at The Deep, we're looking forward to that."

If she is particularly thick-skinned you'll have to include the "I didn't invite you" part

And yes of course it is ok to say that. Turn it the other way around. Supposing every time your S-MIL mentioned a trip/outing/holiday that she and FIL were going on, you invited yourself along. How would you feel if they said "actually, we'd like some time to ourselves that day, but we're looking forward to spending the next day with you". That would be perfectly fine, wouldn't it? You wouldn't think them selfish for saying that.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 19/07/2012 19:57

"q bit", FartyMcTarty? Don't you preview?

bobbledunk · 19/07/2012 19:58

Tell her firmly and nicely that you need to spend alone time with the kids and invite her out for a different day.

Yama · 19/07/2012 20:02

What I would do in these circumstances is get dh to explain that the trip is a special one between me and the kids. He has a way with words and she loves him so much she could never be insulted by anything he said to her.

Can your dh talk to her?

Original poster

Vagaceratops · 19/07/2012 20:06

See I put me and the children, and that looked wrong, so I changed it :o

OP posts:

2rebecca · 19/07/2012 20:14

I would tell her that you'd like a day with just you and the kids. I would stop telling her what you are planning as well, she can't invite herself to things if you don't tell her about them.
If she's always coming along and you don't want her you're going to have to make sure she doesn't know about stuff and make it clear you don't want her if she invites herself and you don't want her.
"I don't get much time alone with the kids, I'll invite you along another time"

Original poster

Vagaceratops · 19/07/2012 20:16

DH is more useless than I am!

I like your idea Rebecca. We have a calender which I write everything on and she looks at that, but I might have to switch to a diary.

I am glad no one thinks I am being selfish, because I know I am not really, but I do feel a bit mean.

OP posts:

Littleprincessrocks · 19/07/2012 20:31

She reads your calendar then invites herself along?! She sounds a bit OTT (to put it nicely!).
Start writing things in a diary, and hide it well.
You are not being selfish.
I have done day trips with MIL, and she is worse than a kid, she sulks, moans (at The Deep as a matter of fact, as DD wanted to play in the soft play area?! It was DD's birthday, so we let the kid play - what an evil Mummy I am! MIL sat sulking for 20mins).
We then had a day planned for just DH, DD and me, (both DH and I worked shifts around each other to avoid childcare, but family time was a bit scarce) and FIL guilt tripped us in to invited MIL. So we did, thinking it would be good for all of us. Huge mistake! She rushed us around the museum (a kids one, which DD would live at if she could) as she wanted to go shopping. It was such a shame for DD and a waste of money . She then suggested we buy a rabbit, as DD was stood talking to one in a pet shop. I said no at first but then MIL did the whole big "but it will make DD so happy! Isn't mummy a meanie DD?!"
So I gave in, and regretted it when we ended up with 14 bunnies in the garden after FIL insisted we get another to live with the first and assured us it was a girl
Since then I have found that the honest statement of "Oh its just the 4 of us this time" works for us all.
BTW - the kids see a lot of their grandparents, and often have sleep overs (mostly at FIL request as he loves playing with kids toys!) etc, and some days out.

Littleprincessrocks · 19/07/2012 20:32

*inviting not invited

2rebecca · 19/07/2012 21:22

Just put things on the visible calendar that you either don't mind her coming to or know she won't be interested in (eg your dentist visit). I've never had a public diary, my main diary is an old fashioned paper one although we also use the computer diary. I wouldn't want visitors to the house examining my itinerary. It sounds quite nosy.

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