To be annoyed with my Mum.

[Nobhead]

DS's 4th birthday next Thursday. Normal working day for me and DH and normal nursery day for DS. He is having a party at nursery the day before his birthday (that's when his good friends are there) and me and DH are taking him out for the day on Saturday.
I phone my Mum tonight as she looks after DS on Friday's and wanted to arrange what is happening tomorrow. This is how the conversation went:
My Mum "what are you doing on DS's birthday, have you got the day off?"
I reply no we haven't to which she said "ohh no" like we were horrible parents. I tell her what our plans are but that on his actual birthday it's a normal working day for us all, obviuosly we'll make a fuss of him but we don't know what time we'll finish work etc. and DS would probably be tired.
She then said "We'll when are we going to give him his presents then?"
I replied "you will be with him all day on Friday which is the day after his birthday so you can give them to him then."
"But that's not his birthday." she replied
"I know it isn't but we will be at work and him at nursery so it's a normal day. Last year you didn't see him on his birthday because we took him out for the day, you saw him the day after."
"Oh ok then. Well I'll let you go then see you tomorrow." She said all sighing but also huffy too.
"Okey dokey see you tomorrow"
This has really pissed me off. She doesn't get the fact that we won't see much of DS on his birthday either and we kind of want to spend time with him when we get back from work. She always does this shit, tries to make me feel guilty and is all moody when she doesn't get her way. I know she's going to be funny with me tomorrow. AIBU to be annoyed and how would you handle her tomorrow?

Just pretend it didn't happen. You said your piece, she has to accept it. No point dwelling.

Christ people get worked up over next to nothing.

Pre school we used to shift birthdays in their entirety to a convenient Saturday.

I never quite got the whole taking a day off work to spend with a toddler thing.

Really OP - this is not worth dwelling on, nor falling-out over. Perhaps the only real thing your Mum is guilty of is loving your baby.

I wish my Mum even acknowledged my kiddies existence, but she has too many issues with strong prescription drugs issues of her own to even care

Be glad you have her OP. ignore the rest if the annoying traits that come with her.

I think you need to be more confident of your own decisions and not let her get to you. Not always easy but I think it works better in long run. You're perfectly entitled to be annoyed and to moan, just don't let the issue escalate with her, won't end well.

FWIW, my soon-to-be 4yo has asked to go to nursery on her birthday, instead of a day out that day. She wants to wear the birthday hat, get sung to, and have a party tea with her nursery friends.

Tell your Mum your DS wants to spend the day with his friends!

welshmoth I'm really sorry to hear your mum doesn't pay your kids any attention but I can't stand the mentality that other people are supposed to suck up every annoying habit their parent has because yours is crap.

OP I'm sure to your DS it's like he's having 3 birthdays, 4 if you count your mum's present giving explain it to her that way if she thinks he's being hard done by.

Me & my brother both have "school holiday birthdays" and, as both our parents are teachers, used to have the full day with them.

My sister OTOH has a term-time birthday, as we were so jealous of the fuss she used to get at school, school birthday cake with friends etc.

I'd much rather have been in nursery/school for my birthday - it's the happiness of your DS that matters and how much he enjoys his own birthday rather than your DM.

My mum is exactly the same- if she does't get her own way she becomes unbearable and the guilts are off the chart! I used to always let her get to me but now I have taught myself to stand by my decisions and feel empowered by it. Try to get strength from the fact that she cannot dictate your life, you are in control with what you want and how you wish to organise your family. Mothers can be very tricky at times and I think they cling on to the whole 'you only have one mother blah blah' but you know respect works both ways, they don't have a license to treat you like crap. Be firm with her then quickly move on to something else.

The key thing you've said is that she "tries to make me feel guilty". Don't let her succeed in that, people can only make you feel guilty if you allow it. And she "is all moody when she doesn't get her way". The way to stop that kind of behaviour is to make absolutely sure it doesn't work.

So, how to handle her tomorrow? Water off a duck's back. Supremely unconcerned, bright and breezy, totally failing to notice any huffiness. Imagine she is a toddler in a bit of a strop and treat her accordingly.

She can only make you feel guilty if you let her!

Ignore as you would a tantrum from DC then perhaps be grateful you have an involved Grandma, some folk would give you their right arm.

Thanks all- good to know I'm not being mean, I do question myself sometimes. I do the breezy thing and pretend nothing has happened when all I really want to do is say "boo fucking hoo sometimes we don't get what we want- lifes like that get used to it" but I'm not a toatl cow

Well she came round this morning. Very quiet, didn't engage in conversation with me really just spoke to DS. I kept all breezy as if nothing had happened. She didn't mention it and me and DH went off to work.
We came back home after work and she was a bit better but still funny. The subject of DS birthdaycame up came up. She said "giving DS his presents on Friday is going to be a problem because his things won't be assembled (it's a scooter and a sand and water table ). Can't you come round on Wednesday and we will give you his presents and he can open them with you."
I said "Not really because we are in the same situation- been at work all day and DS will be knackered. Don't you want to be there when opens them though?"
She said "Yes we do but we're not going to be there on his birthday are we."
We can't just pop round to theirs she expects us to be there for an hour or more otherwise she does the big sigh "oh you haven't stayed long well i suppose we'll just see you on friday"
So I suggested this "You can bring them with you on Friday and DH will assemble them before we go to work. Why don't you bring a cake with you or bake with DS and have some candles so you can sing happy birthday to him?"
"Mmmm, I suppose" she replied all the time with a look on her face like I'd told her we were leaving the country or something. I just left it at that.
I don't get what her issue is, she will see him 24 hours later for the whole day and will see him enjoying playing with their gifts then. I think she just plans it all in her head and then tells me what she has planned and then expects me to go yes that's fine please continue to organise my life schedule for me to fit in with your expectations.
Sorry for ranting and rambling and i know this isn't a big issue in the big scheme of things, she just does this shit and it's very draining to have her playing hard done by all the time. Am I really being that U?

Are you normally akin to taking days off for Birthday's Anniversaries etc? Is that why your Mum asked?

YANBU but I think your Mother needs to be a bit more understanding. I am glad you have a Mother whom loves her DS and cares what happens to him. I know it is hard to see but many of us do not have that. She sounds OK to me.