To expect a thank you for a birthday gift.

[turbo1]

A relative of mine just had her 7th birthday. For her birthday present I took her to Toys R Us and told her she could have one item of her choice (within reason). She bought this Barbie fairy doll which was over £20-a lot for me to afford.

She never said thank you and her parents never made her write a thank you letter. When I was young my parents made me write and send a thank you card for any expensive gifts. For smaller stuff she watched as I made a thank you phone call.

All I got off my niece was "I want another toy" the moment the Barbie hit the shopping basket. There was no gratitude at all.

I do not blame a 7 year old for a lack of manners but I really think her parents should be teaching her this sort of stuff.

It has just left me kind of upset.

I understand you're upset, you bought her a gift that she chose that was over your budget yet she still didn't seem to value it.

My dc's still write thank you notes & they are personal, with the name of the giver & what they actually bought them on the note. I've not always had one from other kids at school so I think thank you notes aren't always done now.

I would just ask the parents casually 'how is the barbie, does she still play with it' or something similar just to make the point you haven't had a follow up :)

Yanbu. It is bad manners and the parents should know better. Like you, I was brought up to write thank you letters and call up relatives to say thank you. I think it is odd that the generation that was brought up on the importance of good manners are now the rudest parents who wouldn't know a thank you if it bit them on the arse.

This month I have given birthday presents for three friends, a relative and dd's school friend plus a baby gift. I have received one thank you out of the lot of them. Rude.

Yes the girl was rude. But do the parents know that? Were they with you?

My DD's thank the person there and then if given a gift. If sent a gift they send a thank-you. If I hadn't witnessed it I would check with them that they had thanked the gift giver but it is hardly a shootable offence for parents to be a little absent minded here.

If you couldn't afford the gift you shouldn't have given it. At 7 she would have understood a price limit - sounds like you wanted to be lady bounty, take her to the toyshop to choose whatever she wants will never work with a 7 year old, they always want more.
You should have followed up on the girls bad manners with her parents there and then, not be stewing on it weeks afterwards. Gifts are for giving - a parroted thank-you is nice but not the huge deal you are making it out to be.

Difficult one. For a kid of 7, I really wouldn't expect genuine thanks - they seem to believe that all adults can just magically produce things, get money out of holes in the wall, buy sweeties from magic cash which appears and so on and so on. And some parents can be neglectful of thanks as well; almost as if their darling children were perfectly entitled to be spoiled (even outrageously so) - and even if the expense is way over what the giver should be able to afford easily. A few other parents are more sensible.

I have a scad of teenaged nephews and nieces who each get cards and vouchers (their preferred currency) at birthdays and Xmas. Do I get thanks ? Heck - I don't even get an acknowledgment that they arrived!

These are kids with generally responsible parents and while I've occasionally mentioned ' Did X get his birthday voucher etc?' I haven't pushed it. I remember being made to write thank you letters at their age and I hated it. Few were sent. I tried to explain that I don't need a full page essay on how they're doing at school and what their sports scores are - just a text saying 'Thanks for the pressy Aunty Cozie' would be fine. (And these are kids whose parents moan about their regularly exceeding their 3,000 contract text limit per month or whatever it is.) Their parents have just pretty well given up with thank yous. I don't believe that most kids actually know how to say thanks and that's part of the underlying issue.

I just decided that they'll all continue to get pressies and cards anyway for the time being because you shouldn't give a gift with the thought of thank you behind it. Just that I considered that it would not be good for them to go around in later years feeling generally 'entitled'. It seems to me that most kids are pretty thoughtless at that age and it won't be until they're in their twenties or more that they'll realise what a gift really means.

And that's when the automatic gift giving is going to stop. They'll get to 18 or 21 (I haven't quite decided yet) and we downgrade to cards only!

There is no way I will blame the little girl. She is only 7 and it is her parents' responsibility to teach her basics such as this.

Her parents are quite neglectful and the father is violent. Dad stays on computer games up to 10 hours a day. I have informed the relevant authorities but they said they could not evidence it. However my distant relative was put up for adoption and they put themselves forward as kinship carers. They received a preliminary assessment as potential adopters from SS and SS were concerned dad did not look up from the computer console when they did their assessment visits-so the baby was adopted out of family.

I think the reason I went over budget is because I feel sorry for her.

The other problem was when we went to Toys R Us she repeatedly did not stay near us and went racing around the shop meaning it was extremely difficult to keep an eye on her. She was told repeatedly not to run off and she did not listen. I was concerned she would get lost and could even have been snatched by some pervert although this is highly unlikely.

I have been saving up to take her and my nephew (he has different parents) to Alton Towers. I feel there is no way I can take the girl as I nearly lost her several times at Toys R Us and she seems incapable of following basic instructions. Interestingly my nephew has severe ADHD and although he is a real live wire he always does exactly what he is told and when I got him his Christmas gift he was really thankful.

Have you posted about this before. Not the gift but the family wanting to adopt the relative?
If so from what you said on the last thread i am shocked you are surprised. It doesn't make it ok.

YANBU at all, I really would not expect it from her considering her bad family circumstances, I would have told her what do you say? And made her say thank you to you. I don't buy that this is normal 7 year behaviour, my dd 5 who has ASD says please and thankyou, it's one of the earliest things we have taught her. On a class Forrest school when she was given something g she was the only one to say thank you her teacher has told me

YANBU. My DS is 6 (7 next birthday). He writes to say thank you for all gifts. Although I struggle to get more than a generic "thank you for my present love DS" so I also write a little note to be more specific and thank for the actual gift. As he gets older he can write more but it is expected in my house that if you get a gift you say / write thank you.

@Dprince

Yes I have written about the family before. I am just relieved the baby got placed for adoption. I have witnessed the physical violence from dad first-hand but the SS said they cannot proceed without tangible evidence.

What really pissed me off is dad bought her a Wii for her birthday but there were no children's games included-all the games were the type that he plays on the computer. In other words he bought it for himself.

The other thing that concerned me is when we were driving, my niece said her uncle (my BIL's brother) had been driving the car with BIL and her in it. The uncle is the person whose baby is placed for adoption. He has no driving licence and a long criminal record of TWOCs (taking vehicle without consent ie joyriding) under the influence of drink and drugs.

I have very little experience of 7 year olds as my son is a baby and she has fibbed before (about my dog biting her). Cannot discern whether this is a fib or not and not sure whether to phone the SS back as I have only just been made aware of this and so did not tell SS when I phoned them before. It does concern me however that this guy whose baby has been adopted is even going near these children. I do not want to reveal on a public forum the exact reasons this baby was removed but believe me they are very serious indeed and one baby had already drowned in a bath in his "care". He "forgot" about this baby and when he returned to the bath she was dead. He did not phone 999 for over 40 mins and 2 days before mum had said to this 2 year old "I wish you were dead". They got off in court but I think they are both as guilty as sin.

Any advice on all this? It does worry me A LOT.

By the way the only reason he "forgot" about the baby is he is constantly stoned and funds his habit (which I suspect involves harder drugs as he hangs around with cluckers) with theft and dealing the crap.

Why do parents always get the blame? Its not always our fault. I am gracious, polite, well mannered (absolutely hate bad manners). I once walked along a corridor with about 6 doors & everytime i said thank you to the person who was in front of me & held the door open. There wer a few of us & no one else said thanks. However my 8yr old is nearly the opposite. I hav no idea why or where she gets it from. If someone gives her something i always say to her 'did you say thank you'.

I am sorry to hear that Wild-perhaps the daughter is at fault. The problem I have is I only have one child and he is under 1. Therefore I have next to no experience of children in this age range. Personally I do not know who is to blame but I do feel pretty miffed about spending good money on this girl for her to say "I want another toy" the moment the Barbie hit our shopping basket.

well the fact that the parents didn't say thank you either would suggest in this situation it is down to the parents not instilling this.
OP, I would report the other man for driving without a license. I would also contact SS to advise he has contact with the kids. He probably hasn't been banned from being near kids, but with the circumstances you describe its possible.
I am also glad, based on what you posted, the child was placed for adoption outside the family. What an awful situation.

I really hate thank you cards. There is nothing more disappointing than seeing an handwritten card on the doormat anticipating that it might be a wedding invitation or something exciting and then it turns out to be a thank you card for the WH Smith voucher that they have already thanked you in person for.

@Dprince

He is not currently banned from being around children, but I would not let him look after a goldfish.

I have a close friend who is an ex-copper so I will ask for advice. The only problem is the only witness is a young girl who does tell lies. I should imagine if the police were called her parents would tell her to shut it and not tell them anything.

She should have said thankyou.

But thankyou notes? Does anyone do this anymore?