I think that I desperately need some help…

[NewMummy48]

I really need some advice and I do not want to talk to family or anyone I know about this, I need some honest direct advice about what I need to do with my life.

A bit of background: I moved away from my family over a year ago (Due to DHs work), I have a 10 month old DS, I have tried baby groups but felt very intimidated when I was there, I have no friends in my new area, I get no income for myself/We are absolutely broke and I live in an isolated village.
I was diagnosed with PND 3 weeks ago and I am on antidepressants and I had a blood test the other day because my GP suspects ?Something else? to be wrong with me (I get my results next Tuesday).

Me and my DH are always arguing, He hasn?t been supportive at all with my PND claiming that I am making out that it is worse than it is. I feel very weak, tired and I am being sick all the time (Hence the blood tests) DH said that he is going out on Friday for ?A few hours? after work, I asked him not to as I am not feeling well at the moment and him coming home after work means that I can go and lay down while he has our DS. He said that I was being completely unreasonable and that he would take DS with him so I could ?Have a break? I said no because I have not met any of the people he is going out with, I have not been away from DS for that long before and they are going to a pub on a Friday night which IMO isn?t a good environment for a 10 month old, He also said that a ?Guy? at work would look after him while he has a couple of drinks.

DH has not been the most maternal dad ever, He never plays with DS, Never reads to him, Never sings to him because he ?Cannot be bothered?. DS was crying yesterday and I asked DH to calm him down, sing to him or something along them lines as I needed to go to the GP and he said ?I am not doing that with you here? I have no idea where this come from so I said that I would leave early to go to my appointment with the GP so he could calm him down. DH said to me the other day ?I feed him, Bathe him and clothe him. That?s all he needs from me?.

That?s just a bit of background now I?ll be honest about myself, I feel and I have strongly felt the urge to commit suicide, every day it becomes more and more appealing.

Don?t get me wrong, I do love my son but I just don?t feel like a Mum, I have become disinterested in him. I still play, sing and have fun with him but I do not enjoy it, the guilt has over whelmed me.
My DH never shows affection to me anymore but I don?t care, I wouldn?t care if he said that he wanted me to leave. I do love him, I just feel this way about everyone.

My family are not supportive; they are very judgemental so I cannot go to them about this.

I have nothing left in me to honestly say that my life is worth living.

I need help, please. Suggest what I can do.

I don?t want my son taken from me.

My sincerest suggestion is that you pick up the phone and call the Samaritans.
08457 909090. They will help you, I promise.

I'm no expert but really didn't want to ignore. Please don't be frightened to go tell your GP and HV exactly how you feel. They can help but only if they know how you are feeling. And I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Babies are hard work and it can be very lonely if you don't have support around you.

I'm no expert but really didn't want to ignore. Please don't be frightened to go tell your GP and HV exactly how you feel. They can help but only if they know how you are feeling. And I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Babies are hard work and it can be very lonely if you don't have support around you.

Do as Mintyy suggests. Also go back to your GP and tell them that you feel suicidal, you need more support than you currently have. Perhaps get your GP to read your DH the riot act.

You poor thing :( You are in the grips of depression, which is a horrible place to be. Plus your DH is being horribly unsupportive. Is there anyone at all in real life that you could call and ask to come and stay with you for a while? Or could you go and stay with someone?

Hopefully the ADs will start kicking in in the next couple of weeks and the worst of the darkness will slowly start to lift. I know that seems like an eternity away but could you hang on till then? Just make it through the days in the hopes that once the medication starts working you'll start to feel just a bit better?

Your son won't be taken from you. You are doing exactly what he needs by being there for him. He is very young and won't pick up on how you're feeling, to him everything is fine. You could talk to your HV and ask if there is any support available for people with depression - perhaps something like Homestart? Remember that PND is very common and they are very used to dealing with it, they won't judge you at all.

Hi, the fact that you have come on here and asked for help is really positive. I think you know you can and will feel better, it will take time and you will need help but you will get there. I agree with the other posters that you should tell the GP about the suicidal thoughts asap. Can you get an appointment today - tell them it's urgent.

All the best :)

I have no advice to add I just want to say I'm very sorry you are having such a hard time NewMummy. Please tell your GP or HV exactly how you are feeling, they will make sure you have the right support.

I hope you feel better soon

I hope you get the help you need newmummy.

Please get an urgent appointment at your GP because you are right, you do need help, you are ill with PND and you need help.

Its easy to say on here i know, but really call someone. i was at the same point you are at some time back and turned to MN and I had some fab advice. Make the call, it ont happen ove rnight but it will give you hope x

Please go back to your gp my love. I have had pnd and been suicidal with it. I promise you that you will get better. And no one will take your child away...please don't worry about that.

Whereabouts are you, OP?

I think you should phone the doctor or the health visitor now and tell them that you desperately need to see someone today. You shouldn't have to suffer like this. Unfortunately you have married a useless man; once you have sorted out your depression I'm sure you'll be able to deal with him.

I have great admiration for the Samaritans. A friend of mine was in a similar situation to yourself - in fact worse, because she had already made a couple of attempts (that we know about - there may have been more).

We finally got her to speak with the Samaritans and her GP. Between them the emotional and clinical help turned her round. It not only saved her life but her marriage as well, and they have since had another lovely DC.

Please take the advice to book an appointment with the doctor, and while you are waiting call the Samaritans. I promise they WILL help you.

Your story sounds like a copy of how I was after my DD was born - right up to the unsupportive partner and family who were completely judgemental of my PND. I managed to find a therapist at a surestart childrens centre near me and was able to get 20 free sessions which saved me. The first thing you should do is research this in your area - try to find out about local PND counseling and arrange it asap. You can go on an NHS waiting list for more cognative based therapy but it does take a while. If you need antidepressants then take them. Get as much rest as you can - nap when your baby naps etc and take as much time for yourself as you can (easier said than done I know).

Is your baby in a routine? If not buy the baby whisperer or whatever works for you and get your baby in a predictable routine so you know they will sleep for x amount of hours and take naps at certain times of day. Get out as much as you can as being in the house does not help.

I know people always say this but this will pass. You are feeling like this as a result of your PND and when you start to feel stronger this will start to pass. My DD is 2.9 now and I am over it all and have been for a while. Going back to work was a massive help for me when she was 13 months as I needed time to be me and not just a mum. You need to be strong enough to do that though.

Just remember you WILL get through this. Take all the help you can find and a year from now you will be writing a post like this to someone who is feeling as desperate as you xxx

It is so good you've found Mumsnet, have some and a and here, a (meant in the best possible way, to go with the 2 preceding items!)

I could have written your OP 13.5 years ago. It will get better I promise. Dare I say it but maybe your DH needs some help too? Perhaps if you are able to get counselling along with the anti-d's it could involve him too? I think there must be more to it than him just being an arse at the moment?

Do look up www.home-start.org.uk as previously mentioned, they helped me a lot to get out of the house with my DS, to get to friendly baby & toddler groups etc, and just to be someone to talk to when needed. I'm sure no matter how remote you are there will be a contact in your area, and the volunteers do come to you.

You arnt alone with mumsnet, agree above advice and hugs to you.

I'm sorry you are so low OP. Please speak to someone in real life and get some help.

BTW I disagree with posters saying your DH is a useless man - my DH is a great father, but he never liked singing to our children and certainly never read books to them at 10 months, and neither did I as all they wanted to do was to munch on the pages or preferably tear them.

Wanting a night out is also not the end of the world, and your baby is 10 months - it's fine to be away from him for a few hours! It may give you a much better break to have them both out of the house.

Anyway, all of these are side issues. You sound really depressed. Sending you and an unmumsnetty hug.

Your DH is being an arse, by the way.

Go to the GP, phone the Samaritans and Home Start - all these things will help. Also, if your family are nicer than your DH sounds, then consider going and staying with them for a bit - you need some proper respite with people who actually care about you and don't belittle your condition.

Good luck - with the proper help, you'll be able to get through this. :)

I have no experience with this but please please please phone your gp or HV now and make another appointment. They should be experienced in dealing with PND. You have to be honest with them about how bad you really feel. I think we are all very guilty of making things not sound as bad as they really are but you need to be honest. Tell them you've felt suicidal. They won't take your baby but they will try and help you and find you the support you need.

It's not easy having a new baby but to be in a new place as well with no support network must be very isolating

Definitely go to the GP, a friend of mine has been referred to therapy via her GP, I would be going down that route myself if I felt I needed it.

In terms of seeing other people & staying occupied - do you have a local BF support group? That might be less intimidating than a mum & baby group, as the other people there may have been experiencing breastfeeding issues, so you may feel less shut out when in contact with other mums who feel they are struggling too.

Plus my local BF support group is run by a wonderful midwife who is so supportive and so good with babies - if you can find someone like her who can take the baby off you for a cuddle, even if just for 20 mins so you can drink a cup of tea, that is something!

Good luck. You've definitely taken the first step in coming here & talking about it.

ooh you poor poor thing. please dont feel like you have nothing to live for... that is the depression talking.
I agree wholehearted with most other posters on here. You need to speak to someone now - GP / HV / Samaratins. do not be asshamed, PND happens to people from all sorts of backgrounds and with all sorts of expectations so do not feel as if you have failed.
I agree with Primafacie tbh regarding your DH

After I had DS I could not cope, never slept even when he did and could not connect with him at all. As a result DH and I just did not get on with each other at all.... tension grows and then you really dont want to spend time with one another. Although DH was amazing with DS, mine and his relationship was affected.

I think you need to let him go out, and keep DS at home with you. Take turns with giving each other a break. I know you dont know anyone but you could still go to cinema by yourself, for a swim one evening, or even to a beauty salon (most are open late now on cerrtain days) and have a haircut / massage.

It is hard when you have DC as I certainly felt like I had lost "me". I think you have to work out as well with GP / counsellor etc which elements of your emotional response is depression and which is loneliness. The two are factors and are just compounding your sense of feeling lost and sad.

I hated a lot of baby groups but after DD I made more of an effort to go and talk to mums. And I tried to arrnage things with mums I met outside of groups - so if you get on with someone ask them to meet for coffee. The quicker you build relations the more you will feel normal again and less isolated.

Poor you - big hug and pls dont be scared to ask for help.
Try to talk to DH as well .... could you have dinner one night at home and really talk to one another to explain how you both feel. he may also feel isolated etc.... Good Luck x

Sweetheart, Please do as the others say, it really will help by going back to the gp,if you can take your husband with you, the will NOT take your child away for having PND, it is an illness like any other and it needs fixing,you would not walk around with a broken arm. I was you four years ago. It DOES get easier, with time and support. If your husband and family do not help you ask elsewhere. Have you tried Surestart?. I know you said you feel intimidated going to playgroups etc, but everyone of those women or men there will have felt that way at some point. If you happen to live in a village that is on the outskirts of a town with lots of roundabouts, feel free to pm and I will listen and make you tea.

OP, you have made a very brave and very positvie first step in telling us.
Congratulate yourself on that - a small but very important positive step.

We all want to help in whatever tiny way we can, and we all wish you to be feeling better soon.

Please ask for the help you need in RL, and believe there is no shame in feeling as you do. You are not well my love, you need proper help. Your baby needs you. We will all be here to hold your hand and provide support, but you need RL support - please please please see your GP, and remember the samaritans are there 24/7 - so is MN!

hugs!

Agree with what others have said. I was in similar position with new baby, new town etc. Now 13 years on and whilst life is not perfect it has worked out. Samaritans helped, they really did. GP was wonderful, thank goodness because I was at the point of despair.

Good luck OP. Take the advice on here and you will get through it.

I am so sorry you feel like this, and I'm going to echo what the others have said - you've done a great thing in asking for help on here, please please get help in RL too. We all have to ask for help at some point (or many points) in our lives and there is nothing wrong with that, and there is lots of support out there. Try not to worry about your little one, nobody is going to take him away.

In the meantime mumsnet is here so you are definitely not alone, and let us know how you get on.

Big hugs x