to think dp should now pay back my mum..

[VIX1980]

myself and my other half shared a car until recently when it broke down, i would drop him off at work, go to work myself then pick him up on my way home, this worked well for us as we'd done it for quite a few years, i was 38 weeks pregnant when the car broke down anyway, stressed out i had it towed to the garage who told me the cost it would take to fix it, its was around £850, dp was as stressed as i was, so after talking to my mum she said she would give us the money to have it fixed then we could get rid of it as we had planned to as its been nothing but trouble since we bought it. I made it clear to my mum that we would pay her back as shes been very generous to us already while we were doing our house up etc, she said there was no need but id like to anyway.

the plan originally was to part ex it this year and buy 2 cars, a nice 1 for me to drive the baby around in and oldish 1 for him just to get to work and back. I since had my baby 3 weeks ago and dp is now back at work, today i got caught in the rain big time, water in my shoes the lot.... i moaned to dp about how we needed to sort out the car situation as soon as possible, he then said well he was thinking of keeping that car now so i could save up and get my own if i wanted.

he doesnt understand why im furious at this. my mum had offered to loan me the money to buy a cheap car and instead i told her our plan to get rid and buy 2 other cars so she helped out that way instead. when i told dp we would be paying my mum back he was dismissive of it and said we dont have the money.

i feel like MY mum has paid for the repairs to HIS car and now he wants to keep it until next time something breaks on it, the least he can do now is pay my mum back the money that she gave thinking her daughter and grandson would be going in it, and instead were walking everywhere while he has had his car fixed for what he thinks is free. i think hes being extremely cheeky and if the shoe was on the other foot id be embarrased to look at his parents till the debt was paid. aibu to think he should be coughing up?

Vix you go from referring to it as a joint problem, joint loan and shared car, to calling it his car and saying he should pay your mum back...I don't think you are being unreasonable in paying your mum back, but it sounds like you are not thinking of yourselves as a team at the moment?!

I could, as usual, have the wrong end of the stick...perhaps you should make it clear that if the car is staying, it is a shared vehicle?! Or, if he is going to claim it as his, he needs to give you some cash towards your car?

Hope you get it sorted, sounds like you could do with some wheels!

I think your mum has given you (as in your family unit) the money to fix up your car. Having a car benefits your family as a whole (not just your DP). Surely you get use of it at weekends and could always drive your DP to work if you needed the car during the day? If you can't afford to pay your mum back the £850, I suspect you can't afford the 2 car plan anyway.

Sorry i still have no brain at the moment!! it is his car in terms of in his name, he pays for that and the mortgage whilst i pay all the bills in the house, this works well as we pay around the same each month, so although we shared it at the end of the day it is his car and if i was still using it id be more than happy to help pay my mum back.

its only him who has changed his mind about getting rid of it and swapping it for 2 cars - 1 each, so i can get out and about, this is why i think hes being so unfair, its as if he wanted to get rid of it for months, as soon as someone had paid for the repairs he suddenly wants to keep it and doesn think twice about me and his son struggling to get about, we live miles from anywhere really.

Ahhh!
I agree with redsky that perhaps you could suggest driving him to work and picking him up a couple of days a week, so that you have got the car during the day? That way, no second car, no second tax, insurance, MOT, servicing etc, and you get to drive around...Plus, you can do that really annoying thing of borrowing it with a full tank of petrol, return it to him empty and say 'well it is your car darling!'

I have always wanted to do that.

redsky your spot on when you say she gave it to us as a family uint, now though dp is just thinking of himself and not sticking to the original plan.

we could afford the 2 cars if we part ex'd the car we have now as we looked into the prices etc a while ago to figure it all out, i just know i couldnt face his parents if theyd paid for a car that there son wasnt driving in or using etc. i can still use it on weekends now and again as dp works weekends now and again, unfortunately though i cant just drive him to work like i used to as i have a 3 week old baby to fit around now and its not so easy to just get him to stop feeding while i drive his dad to work, hence the whole plan of me having my own car.

Did you post about this before when it frist broke? iirc you 'd'p didn't come across very well at on that thread, is the issue not more than the car?

(sorry if I have you confused)

Ok, so I'm still confused. You've obviously made a joint decision about how you split the bills. Cars have to be in a single name so he doesn't have any choice there, but it seems that up to now you've been using it fairly equally so it's been your "joint" car regardless of whose names it's in. To do your part exchange plan you'd have to have paid for the repairs on your existing car anyway, so that was a necessity.

Why has he decided against the swapping to 2 cars - is it money (which I can reasonably see that it is)? To repeat my earlier point, why can't you drive him to work if you need the car during the day? (petrol will likely be cheaper than all the outlay on a second car)

And this is one of the many reasons that not having joint finances is a minefield.

Sorry OP I know that doesn't really help you. But perhaps consider how life would be easier if there was less 'his money/stuff my money/stuff'

No doris i havent posted about this before.

again the choice to get rid of the car was due to it constantly breaking down (had it 2 years and its broke twice and been off the road for quite a while each time), when we thought about part exchanging it the car was fine so there would of been no expense to have paid out. i have no idea why hes changed his mind other than the fact he now has the car to himself and likes it, its a stupid sporty car with leather seats (typical mans dream car) so thats probably made him think he wants to keep it.

the 2 cars would be paid for by the 2 of us, id pay for mine, he'd pay for his, id prefer to do this as ive always hated sharing a car and having to drop someone off and pick them up each day is a pain to be honest, ive done it for years so done more than my fair share i think. id now like the freedom to live my life with my own car and not have to get back at certain times to pick him up etc, especially harder now with my baby to look after. i could manage if i needed the care once a week etc but im thinking longer term and i know with a newborn baby this wouldnt be practical to continue driving him.

OP - I think your main problem is that you think of your car as your DP's car. Maybe he does too? If you start with the mindset that it is your family car than you potentially will make different decisions about its use/whether you need 2 cars. .

We've only ever had 1 car as we simply couldn't justify the expense of a second (as have many families we know). Yes, it's harder with a baby, but you can plan your week so that you only need the car some of the time and organise feeds etc so that you can drive your DP to work on those days. I think you and DP need a serious discussion to work out if you as a family need a 2nd car, and if you don't how you use the one you have.

REDSKY Your probably right, it just seems impossible at the moment to get dressed each day let alone organise something resembling a routine of driving him to work etc.

it was always the case that 1 day we would have our own car, the only reason we put it off was because we bought our house a couple of years ago ao all the money we had went on renovating that, weve looked into the costs etc and the pros more than outweigh the cons of us each having our own car, its just sad that its now come the time to do it and hes changed his mind.

Just putting a car on the road cost me 600 pounds per year - that is tax, insurance and actually thats it just taxing the car and insuring it and Oh the MOT .

Now to put petrol in costs me 130 per 10 miles I drive - so 100 miles per week, is 13 quid, 52 pounds per 4 week month.

I share a car with a man in the next town - it suits us as we both use bikes as well and it halves the cost of acutally running the car. The car has a bike rack and we both have two bikes.

It would be far cheaper for you to buy a pair of water proof shoes, a really good rain mac and hat (can't use a brolly pushing a pram) and a light weight rain man that folds up and lives under the pram.

YANBU, if the original plan was to get two cars, and you can still afford it, then he eithers needs to stick to the plan or pay your mum back/give you the money to get another car if your mum doesn't want it back. I dont know where you live but where i live I could get around without a car but having one makes my life soooooo much easier, especially with children. I wouldn't be happy having to get up and be ready to take my dp to work just so i could get the car. In fact i would be tempted to tell dp that i was taking the car and he could walk/take public transport. What is the exact reason that he doesn't want you to have your own car?

I agree that he could take public transport, at least for a while until you feel more able to get a routine going to drop him at work and use the car during the day. I totally agree with the OP that, with a 3 week old, it's hard to get dressed and out by lunch, let alone early morning. I found it a real shock and a real struggle to do anything in the first few weeks after my DD was born.
I would try to avoid a second car though - tbh we have one but it is such a pain expense-wise and I would love to do without it if I could.

Vix I still find it really interesting that you say my baby not our baby, and the car and finances seem to be either yours or his.

I think if you can afford a second car, is it reasonable to ask him to help you buy another one? Because if he isn't willing to do that, he needs to sell the one you have got so you can both have a car. Him liking it isn't enough of a reason to keep it, if it is causing you so much hassle. Does he realise how much you need some wheels?

Nothing to do with any of this, but I'm worried when you say he pays for the mortgage.

Please tell me the house is in both names.

YANBU at all. Your dh doesn't have the right to decide to just backtrack on an agreement that the two of you made now that it suits him.

You made a plan, and you should stick to it unless something changes that means you can't. All that has changed here is what he wants. Tell him you will be sticking to the original agreement, or he will have to finance a new car that is just for you.

Is he seriously expecting you to just deal with the fact that you thought you were getting a car to being told you won't be without any good reason? Surely he can see that you might be just a little pissed off with that?

you are in a relationship - you both have a responsibility to pay Your mother back.

you made promises - I made it clear to my mum that we would pay her back

It sounds to me that you are throwing a bit of a strop and expecting your OH to pay for your JOINT debt because you aren't getting 'your' car.

If your OH had gone ages with said agreement to purchase a second act would you still have expected him to pay the debt to your mother himself.

Just because you've only got weekend use - doesn't mean it's not a shared asset, not jointly liable.

If you can afford the outgoings on two cars you can afford to pay your m

Gone ahead and second car. Bloody iPhone. Sorry!

Thanks for that, im more pissed off with the fact before all this my mum offered to lend me the money to buy a cheap 2nd hand car, he said no wait we'll part ex this car, so now this is the only thing thats changed that he now doesnt want to. i feel the money used to fix the car could have been the money i borrowed from my parents to fund my own car.

when i said my baby it was in the context of a sentence -

"id now like the freedom to live my life with my own car and not have to get back at certain times to pick him up etc, especially harder now with my baby to look after" please dont assume im being anything other than a new mum with very little functioning brains at the moment

Mmmm yes, please do confirm that the house is in joint names - I had the same thought!

Wrt the car, really tricky. I can see what your mum was thinking and it wasn't 'how can I make commuting easy for my son-in-law' was it! So maybe you have to start making life difficult - insist he leaves the car behind for a few months or maybe for half the week. If he insists it's his car and he can do what he likes, then you have a problem that goes beyond the car and I would start thinking about protecting your assets as he could easily assumw 'what's yours is mine' and leave you a lot worse off

Mmmm yes, please do confirm that the house is in joint names - I had the same thought!

Wrt the car, really tricky. I can see what your mum was thinking and it wasn't 'how can I make commuting easy for my son-in-law' was it! So maybe you have to start making life difficult - insist he leaves the car behind for a few months or maybe for half the week. If he insists it's his car and he can do what he likes, then you have a problem that goes beyond the car and I would start thinking about protecting your assets as he could easily assumw 'what's yours is mine' and leave you a lot worse off

vix sorry I got the wrong end of the stick there... Have you decided what you will do next?! Hope you get it sorted.