To be honest, I don't really think I am being unreasonable, but I suppose this is more a cry for help because this is the main sticking point in my relationship with my MIL and I'm worried things will escalate in the future if we have DCs (TTC at the moment).
A bit of background info: I live in my DH's home country, have done for quite a while, very happy here. DH is an only child and his mum is a widow (has been for 15 years). She's 61, fit and healthy, very well off, recently retired, has her own car (unlike us). I've been with DH for 10 years, married for 5.
MIL lives a 2-hour drive from us (3.5 hours on the train because she lives in the country). We visit every 8 weeks or so for the weekend (arriving on a Friday night and leaving Sunday night). On top of this, we try to encourage her to meet half-way in between these visits, e.g. to spend a Saturday somewhere together. I visit my parents (back in the UK) about 3-4 times a year, generally for between 4 days and a week at a time. When I do, DH goes to stay with MIL (I quote him: "to keep her happy").
Despite years of doing things "to keep her happy", MIL is not happy. She feels once every 8 weeks is not enough. She feels that a weekend is not enough (why, she asks, do I visit my own parents for longer?). She says that meeting half-way doesn't count. She says that visits undertaken by my DH alone don't count (maybe I should be flattered?). Every time we visit her (just back from a weekend with her), she moans to all and sundry in our presence that we're "never there", that we "hardly ever" visit these days, etc. etc. It's really wearing both of us down.
DH has tried to broach the subject several times. They've had full-blown arguments about it. But somehow, things will improve for a few months and then she'll start again: "You're never here", "Rushing off again on the Sunday night again, are you?". She'll even forget how many times we have been to visit and insist that it's been "months since the last time".
Honestly, I would like to have a relationship with my MIL which involves seeing her more frequently (if only for my DH - I'm very close to my own mum). I have tried, again and again and again, to invite her to come and see us, to pop down for a day if she's bored (she doesn't have a big circle of friends and is quite isolated). I have arranged spa days (which she disapproved of, but I thought it was a nice thought), taken her on holiday with us (which she hasn't really enjoyed), suggested weekends where certain events/festivals are on so she can join us. We always get an excuse: can't leave the garden, don't want to drive in the winter/summer/evening, don't like the city, don't feel comfortable staying in your flat (she has a big house and finds our flat quite cramped). She's been once this year.
I just don't understand why, if she really wants to see us, any of that should be important. We virtually have to beg her to come and visit, and usually, if she comes at all, she'll end up going home early because she "doesn't feel comfortable being away from her own home".
To top it all, we have the problem that my parents, as well as my sister and BIL, are very proactive and love to travel so, as well as coming to visit us, they also suggest family holidays once a year. MIL is very resentful of this (although my parents have invited her, too, which she has always declined). She doesn't like DH spending time with my parents and to be honest he limits his visits to them "because of what his mum will say", although he really enjoys their company.
I dread how this will develop if we have DCs, to be honest. I really think grandparents are an important part of growing up (I loved mine!), but it's always one-way traffic with my MIL and nothing is ever enough. How can I get her to be more proactive? I can't tell my parents that we can't go on holiday with them just because MIL doesn't approve of holidays so wouldn't be getting her "fair share". She can't seriously expect me to visit her for a week just because I visited the UK for a week, can she? I live in her country 48 weeks of the year, surely I don't have to justify 4 weeks in my own country?
DH seems to think that's just the way she is and we should ignore the comments, but I don't think he sees the potential for escalation in the future. I just feel she should be so grateful having us nearby, whereas my parents are in another country, but she doesn't make the most of it.
Has anyone managed to turn a situation like this around and make visits more of a two-way affair?