To be a bit freaked out that my new BF said he wants to meet DS?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Background: I left ExH 4.5 years ago, shortly before DS's 1st birthday. DS is now 5. His dad moved country a year ago and hasn't seen DS in four months (he is coming home this weekend).

2 months ago I met my now boyfriend. He is very sweet, pretty cool and a demon in the sack. DS knows nothing of BFs existence. However BF does often come round in the evenings after DS has gone to sleep (he's a heavy sleeper).

So today I was talking about DS asking my male friends round to tea and BF asked if he was always going to be a secret. I asked what he meant and he said that he would like to meet DS and that he would prefer it to be casual, rather than risk DS waking some evening and seeing him in the house.

This of course makes sense and he would be introduced as just another one of mummy's friends but this will change things, won't it? Part of me thinks it's lovely but a bigger part of me is freaked out. AIBU?

Freaked out why?

Er, YABU! Weirdo.

2 months? I wouldn't. Too soon.

No, you should only introduce him when ready, although i agree meeting the way you do is a bit risky.

freaked out? why would you be?

YHNBUTN!! you have not been unreasonable till now!!

It was fine in the early days, but your BF makes a good point in that it is better to do it nicely and gently rather than a sudden shock!

Do it soon!!

YABU. Why on earth would you be freaked out at what sounds like a perfectly reasonable request?

I agree with your new boyfriend that it'd be much better for him to meet your ds casually than it would suddenly spring an unexpected male presence on him one evening. I'm not quite sure why, if you are prepared to have a sexual relationship with your bf in your home that it is such a shocking idea for him to meet your ds. You might have only known each other 2 months but if all is going well in the relationship, where's the harm?

YABU and YANBU, your BF sounds sensible... it could really unnerve your DS if he woke and walked in on you both snogging or worse. But YANBU to be a bit apprehensive, your DS officially meeting your BF will kind of mean your relationship is now that bit more serious I'm guessing!

yy.. i would introduce as 'just a casual friend' first before any chance your ds comes downstairs in the night and sees him sitting there.

doesn't have to change things.. and you don't have to do things together all three if you don't want to (personally i wouldn't yet, too early i think)

It sounds like he means it in a nice way, not a creepy way. In one way it's a good thing that he wants to meet your son because it means he's accepting that you come as a package and he's interested in all of you, not just the non-mummy part of you.

Or is that why you're freaked out? Because showing an interest in meeting your son means he's serious and not just after sex, and you're not ready for that? Because that's okay too.

You can approach it one of two ways, really. Either let them meet (now or later) but be straight with BF (and yourself) that this doesn't mean anything permanent and really, he's just meeting him as a friend and shouldn't be looking to get too attached in case things don't work out, and keep their meetings sporadic and short or, you can make it more serious than that and say actually I don't want him to meet you unless we know this is serious because I don't want him to get attached to someone who then might disappear.

Thank you all for your replies.

Bertie, I think you got it spot on about my fear of a more serious relationship.

I agree that it is a good idea for them to meet, but I don't think that I will be arranging days out for the three of us anytime soon.

2 months is way too soon, yanbu.

2 months is too soon.

Your ds is a child, he's not stupid! He will know that this frind is different from other friends, he will be able to sense it.

It's not going to be a sudden shock for your ds if he meets this guy later, because when you have decided that this man is a keeper, then you introduce him just as a friend. Then you see how he interacts with your ds, you confirm your descision that he's a keeper (if he's good with him) and then you introduce the idea of him being a boyfriend.

It's really not worth it at all until you feel for certain that this boyfriend is 'the one'. I hav been where you are, the pressure my bf put me under to meet my dc is one of the things that put me off him. He was thinking too much about how much he wanted to meet them, rather than whether they would want to meet him.

Well I did it. I introduced BF to DS!
And the world is still turning.[relief emoticon]

Yay!

Thank you Muso, i feel Yay.

I did it at a friend's party. DS was so engrossed with other kids that he kept getting BF's name wrong. And BF just texted to thank me for a wonderful night and say he loved me.

Mission accomplished.

glad it went well, but I think 2 months is a bit soon. His attitude is extremely positive, so I hope it works out for you all.

The fact that your immediate reaction of your bf meeting your DS was so negative speaks volumes about the relationship, IMO.

Great, done with perfect casualness.

What does my reaction say Isityou?

Would you like in to say 'I would prefer to not meet him and pretend he does not exsist'

?????

i'd say keep boyfriends and children apart but your chap makes a good point about the child finding him in the house one night...
if you're going to have the bloke at the house, it might be a good idea to stage a 'casual' meeting first. then it's a case of 'oh, hi, X' rather than 'aaaaghh! mummy! there's a burglar!'