My son struggles with being resposible for his belongings

[cooey2]

Ok i am close to tears. My son struggles to listen, follow instructions and it is really getting me down. If i ask him to do something ie strip his bed for washing - he just does the pillow cases and thinks that is ok, I have asked him to keep his bedroom reasonably tidy, he doesn't, when i ask him he says, iwill, i promise but then doesn't. I have just had to lay the lay down the law with him again about his bedroom, then I am putting washing in tumble drier and he is throwing sweet wrappers out of his bedroom window. I am not OCD with tidyness but do expect a nine year to be a bit more responsible. His school report came home and it comments about his lack of resposibility for his belongings stating they are found both in and out of school. I am very aware of this as this term he has lost, hood to coat, umbrella, PE kit, school bag, homework book. Last week he came home after non school uniforn day with just one trainer!!!! AARRGGHHH he is nine and I really need some support please xxx

How old is he?

Just seen 9- maybe focus on a few things he must do and then withdraw privilege (whether it's Xbox access, tv time whatever) if doesn't do it.

Sympathy as dss is was a shocker for losing stuff and not doing what meant to. It was a case of pick your battles there.

You have my sympathies.
What is his general attitude like?
what are his focus and listening skills like?
What are other members of his family like as regards belongings in particular.

Sounds like my 9 year old, but he has Aspergers and it is not his fault. He needs tasks broken down into very very simple instructions, so for e.g to strip his bead I would have to say "take the pillow case off" then "now take your duvet off the bed" then "now unbutton it" then "now pull the cover of the duvet" etc. etc. The instruction "strip your bed" would be far far too much for him to handle and he would just play with his Lego.

Could your DS have similar difficlties, that he cannot control?

i have had him at the doctors and i have spoken to his teacher but they said he is ok but teacher does stress he finds it difficult to concentrate. i work in school myself - i do worry about him. My dd is ok with her belongings, dad generally tidy ( the same as most men!)
I think i need to draw a battle line. we have had this talk with him before, but now that i am thinking about it and typing it, I have been a bit lax in the sanctions.
We did have a family discussion all together and we all agreed on what we should be responsible for. I guess it tough love from here on in and for me to be consistent. He is nearly 10, doing well school generally. Plans will be drawn for my sanity. thank you soooo much for replying xxx

Euphemia - that a great idea, a could make a cartoon time table sort of thing, many thanks x

You could be talking about my ds. He's 9 - has lost more school jumpers than has had school dinners (for which I owe £14 because he keeps forgetting to hand the cheques in!).
One instruction at a time. Praise when he's done that job thoroughly. Be specific and make him go back and do things again if they haven't been done properly. It's not going to change overnight, but there are ways to help him. Put a notice board in his room with a list he can tick off. Post it notes with reminders around the house etc. General repetition and follow through with sanctions.

I've found these which may help.

Sounds as if he might need similar to my dd who was driving me mad with not getting stuff done. A friend was talking about her son who has processing difficulties - ie struggles with retaining instructions etc. I've no idea whether dd has an actual problem but since I've started giving very clear, specific, limited three point lists (eg get dressed, brush hair, brush teeth) in the morning she's amazing. She was very easily distracted before but the three thing list helps her and I can remind her better without getting too stressed. He might genuinely struggle to hold the instructions in his head and get distracted easily (you know, the feeling you get when you know you've gone upstairs to do something but you can't remember what). Could you try specific, limited things to tidy in his room, eg dirty clothes in laundry basket, books on shelf, make bed? Dd also struggles with how to face a mess and make inroads into it but when I break it down she'll often do the individual tasks quite enthusiastically. Rewards were making no difference to dd-she had a morning list which if she completed it she would get 20p of her weeks pocket money adding up to a pound for all five weekdays but she just didn't respond. And sanctions were a fail too. I think she wanted to do it, but the job seemed too big. Breaking it down gets it done.

I had 2 sons very much like yours, I'm afraid, losing something at school had come to be known a "doing a bubbymum"! They are now in yr6 and about to go up to High School in September, and, although, through lots of hard work and talk about being responsible both on my and their teachers part, it has got better with one DS, the other has not really improved that much, and, TBH, with the cost of the High School uniform being so high, I'm dreading it!
All I can suggest is keep on with re-iterating how he should be more responsible now he is getting older, as this will show how he is becoming a "big boy", and give him a short list to check each day on school end to see if he has got everything. My sons list contained school jumper/coat/water bottle/linchbox/pe kit and most importantly, homework! As for chores, briefly go through what is involved in the chore, and hope for the best! I must say, one of mine used to deliberatly do his chores badley in the hope that his brother, DH or myself would step in and do it for him, but we have now got wise to that one!!

Btw-I understand completely why you're exasperated- it seems so logical that they should be able to do it and then they don't

I have a nine year old like this and he drives me mad.

One thing that has helped is to give him a simple ongoing job which isn't too hard and go wild with praise when he does it - I think he had got a bit used to being hopeless generally and so was not bothering with anything.

He is now sock monitor at the moment which involves rounding up all the odd socks, pairing them and making sure there are four pairs of matching socks left out for the family each evening. If he is able to do that for a week he gets pocket money at the end of the week.

It seems to have improved his confidence and his willingness to try harder and be a bit more together seems to have improved overall

thanks guys. He is doing bedroom now, I have set a timer for 60 mins and if it not done then what isn't away will be taken out of his bedroom for a week. I am going to do a tick list for morning and see how it goes, maybe one for night. I like the idea of breaking down a task, I work with a little one with autism and do basic instructions with him. he lost a transformer that cost over £25, no idea where he took it! As he gets older i realise that he will have toys/items that cost more money so i am determined to make a stand now. I think what has made it come to light and for me to tackle the situation is the fact that his teacher sees it as an issue that she has but it on his school report

I also have changed my mind set to one where I assume that dd is doing her best and needs help rather than assuming she can really help it

zookeeper - that is soooo my son, used to be being generally hopeless and not bother with everything. It not as if we pick up after him and he is definatley not pampered, he just finds being organised very, very difficult. Prehaps hopeless is a bit strong but I know what you mean. MY DS is great at his things - sharing, playing out, caring, good friend, but then when it the boring everyday stuff he loses the will to live and becomes incapable of normal function ;)

cooey2 I think 60 mins is too long - he'll get distracted and lose focus. I'd set it for 15 minutes and be specific about what I wanted him to do in that time, eg make your bed, tidy your desk and put away all the things on the floor.
Do that a few times and inspect it after each 15 minutes to praise him/point out what needs to be improved.

this is my son and hes 13

footy boots,jumpers,locker keys,ok everything (and in mens sizes so getting very expensive)

he is blardy bone idle and have started deducting loses out of his money

timer about to go off, i am off upstaris to see what is what, wish me look x

yehhhh, i can see the carpet, the battle has been won, we have cuddles and talked about a chart for mornings and he suggested one for night. Thanks everyone for your support and ideas.
i agree with the time of 60 mins being long but his bedroom was trashed, now i will only have to do it 15 mins at a time so he can keep on top of it.
thanks for being so supportive, i feel loads better and my son is happy too xxx

just has another lightbulb moment. When i got alot to do in work my boss writes me a list so i don't forget, and she doesn't forget, I write lists for myself at home, so i guess my ds does take after me, he just needs a little help like me x

I like the timer idea; I am going to try that with my ds and his room. Agree that a shorter time might be better; I don't think my ds could focus for that long.

We love the little darlings really, OP

i became good friends with the lady incharge of lost property when my son went to secondary school very quickly! we used to have a tick list like a shopping list of his tasks of getting dressed etc when he was little and also i used to make him count how many things he was holding when he went into class in the morning- lunchbox 1 book bag 2 drink bottle 3 so that when he came out he knew how many he had to have. it seems a male thing!