AIBU getting annoyed with the constant ' oh god, i would hate that, how do you cope' comments regarding my dds summer plans with her father.

[watchoutforthatsnail]

Every time, without fail. Normally school gate/ work people. They ask what your summer plans are, i tell them DD is off to her dads for 3 weeks, and than mum is having DD for aweek and then ive got two weeks off, and they are literally agast.
Then i get the ' you must be a crap mum and not love your child' comments about how it must be terrrible and how they couldnt cope.
fact is, yes, ill miss her, but ive got her for one weekend in that time. her dad is on leave from work, i have to work. Surely its better for her to spend time with her own family, that be in paid child care?
She lvoes him, hes a cock to me, but fine with her, she will have fun and is safe, i dont see what the problem is.
of course, id like to have the whole sex weeks off with her, but i cant, and thats that.
Im happy with my decision, its fine, but for gods sake the comments dont half annoy me.

Why tell them? I think your answer is too detailed, wouldn't this do:

"DD is going to spend some time with her dad, she is reallly looking forward to it, I have some time off and my mum is wants to see her too of cours. Should be good hope the weather picks up though! What are your plans?"

Ignore them. If DD is happy and safe with her dad and gran that's the main thing. Of course you'll miss her but you're doing the best by her by helping her develop a good relationship with her dad. Even if he is a knob.

If you are surrounded by people who have little better to do than make unhelpful comments then I'd be rather more circumspect about what you share with them. It's not their business and neither should you feel that you need to defend arrangements that work for you and your dd.

There's nothing wrong with people saying they would hate that and asking how you cope...you've said yourself you would prefer the 6 weeks with her.

Then i get the ' you must be a crap mum and not love your child' comments about how it must be terrrible and how they couldnt cope.

If that's actually true then presumably you won't be speaking to these people ever again, anyway.

Are you sure it's not misplaced sympathy rather than them judging your abilities as a parent? Most people have never gone for weeks without seeing their children. They can't relate to it, but that doesn't mean they think you're a crap mum.

WTF.

So dd gets quality time with dad, gran and you. And this is worse then her being at a play scheme or childminders?

Wouldn't mention 'sex weeks'...

I'm willing to bet nobody said anything like "you're a crap mum blah blah blah", and instead you have a massive shoulder chip that is leading you to interpret harmless small talk as personal attacks.

I'm taking the OP with a very large pinch of salt. My kids summer holidays have always been the same:

1 week at grandparents
2 weeks at dad's
2 weeks with me
1 week at childminder

However since meeting DP we now have 1 week all 3 of us, and dp and i do a week each either side of that central week (so it may be me, us, him). I have NEVER encountered anything like the OP.

Everyone at work operates similar childcare arrangements and the school gate mums tend to be very jealous that I don't have to entertain them the whole 6 weeks!

hahaha @ sex weeks.
sorry.
:)

i think people assume because i can quite happily let dd go to her dads then i must be some kind of uncaring mother, which im not. Its the ' oh, i coiuldnt possibly do that, it would be horrific' type comments than annoy me. its a sensible choice. i have to work, hes off, hes her actualy father, why they hell shouldnt she go to his.. ( and why the hell would i chose to pay for childcare in place of that!)

I think you need to stop seeing this from your POV only and start looking at theirs.

They're not in your situation...therefore they feel they couldn't do it and they would absolutely hate it.

What's wrong with that?

You seriously get those sort of comments? Truly?

What kind of people are you mixing with?

Lord above yet more excuse to take offence!

I used to have a similar situation to you with my DD and she would be away for at least three weeks over the summer. I did not assume that people saying they couldn't cope with that meant that they were insinuating that I was a crap mother, I assumed they were
A) making conversation, as people tend to do
B) not experienced in having to let their child go and be with other family for periods of time
C) expressing how they would feel if their child was going to be away from them for a few weeks, projecting that feeling onto you, and sympathising

It sounds to me as though you are looking for insults where there were none intended.

Has anyone actually said they think you're a crap mum or don't love your child? I bet they haven't, and that no one thinks that for a moment. People can be a bit insensitive sometimes, but really it sounds like you're reading more into these comments than was meant.

I wonder if you don't feel as happy and chilled about it as you make out, which is why you take offense and think people are calling you a crap mum?

It's all relative. You mght be misinterpreting them, they might not be thinking before they speak, they might just genuinely feel like that and not realise how they're comments are coming acorss, or you're just mixing with weird people.

When I told my brother and sil that I was putting ds in nursery they said they'd rather die than put their children in childcare what could I say to that?

Ultimately it matters nothing what they think you're doing nothing wrong so just ignore them and next time don't tel people.

My ds has spent holidays with his dad and his parental grandparents since he was 10 when we separated 7 years ago.
Most people, if they commented at all, said that it was good we could still stay civil for his sake.
I don't believe anybody called you a crap mum .

if people really are making such crass comments then you need to develop a thicker skin about it to be honest.

I can believe that people would be so insensitive because when I separated from DS dad I had some pretty upsetting stuff said to me about the 50/50 shared care arrangement we have.

It took me a while to get over it. My son is very happy and settled. He gets quality time with both sets of parents. Quite frankly anyone who doesn't see that can do one.

But also......I think it's entirely understandable that anyone who doesn't have to share their child in this way would find it difficult to comprehend.

YABU. i think they are being sympathetic and trying to be supportive. You're taking offence where none is meant.

Do come back OP and clarify that people really are calling you a crap mum etc - because I'm having real trouble with that one.
As for the rest of it - as has been said SO many times on MN when people are clutching their pearls at perceived slights - it's SMALL TALK. Conversation. Nobody really cares - you do know that right? Maybe you'd prefer if nobody spoke to you, ever.