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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I probably am...

11 replies

serengetty · 16/07/2012 10:00

Long long story - first love of 20 years ago got back in touch 2 years ago, he been very ill and is now in recovery from mental health issues and alcoholism. He has 2 dcs that live abroad, I also have 2dcs.
After talking every day for 2 years, we finally 'got together' in April, he lives 300 miles away from me and we visit each other as and when.
He desperately misses 2dc and they are visiting in August, when I was due to visit him. I said it would be lovely to meet them, he made it clear he doesn't want me to - he hasn't told them or his ex about me.
My reaction is to feel rejected and upset (he comes here with my 2dc all the time) and really I'm just questioning whether we have a real relationship or just a fantasy one (which probably makes it 'safe' for both of us) i worry it will devastate his recovery if I say I don't think it's working - and that's not too healthy is it.....your thoughts would be very welcome. Thanks

OP posts:
Trills · 16/07/2012 10:02

If a relationship is not working, it's not working.

It's not your job to help him recover, and it's certainly not your job to help him to feel better by pretending that the relationship is fine when it's not.

(only responding to a part of it)

Filibear · 16/07/2012 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

pictish · 16/07/2012 10:09

So you've only been together for less than four months?
I wouldn't introduce a boyfriend of three and a half months to my kids. You have no way of knowing it's going to work out or not at such an early stage in the proceedings...why get the kids involved?
Yabu.

As an asides...his recovery is not your responsibility.

Original poster
serengetty · 16/07/2012 10:10

Yes, I suppose i just feel that if our relationship is to progress, we have to start doing this stuff at some point. He says he wants me to himself and maybe that's ok too.

OP posts:
pictish · 16/07/2012 10:11

That's his way of saying it is too soon to meet the kids - and he is right.

Original poster
serengetty · 16/07/2012 10:12

Together for less than 4 months but in an emotional relationship for last 2 years and have known each other for 20. Another way i look at it is that maybe his children would quite like me being around as they have seen how ill he has been in the past and it might reassure them as it is a big deal for them to travel to England and see him as contact has been minimal for past 6 years.

OP posts:
helenthemadex · 16/07/2012 10:13

if you have been together since April and its the first time the issue concerning his children has come up that must mean he has not see them for 4 months, that is a very long time when you desperatly miss your children, his time with them is obviously very limited if they live abroad and he wants to give them his full attention, which in my opinion shows that he is a great father who puts his children first. It would be different if the children lived locally and he saw them every few weeks but he doesnt.

I actually think you are being a bit self centred and selfish, you almost sound like you are saying if he doesnt introduce you to his children then you will end the relationship which is unfair. Your relationship is relatively new and if it continues then I am sure he will introduce you to his children in time, I really dont see his actions as a rejection of you

pictish · 16/07/2012 10:14

You have been hasty in introducing someone you have been going out with for three months to your children. Especially when that person has recent history of mental health problems and alcoholism. You cannot possibly know what the future holds under those circumstances....it could quite easily degenerate and fall apart if he starts drinking again, or his illness flairs up. You haven't been in the relationship nearly long enough to gusge whether or not this is likely.

Fools rush in OP - thank God one of you has some common sense.

MrsRhettButler · 16/07/2012 10:14

He hasn't seen his kids for ages so naturally he wants to spend time with them properly, your kids are around all the time so its different. It will be hard for his kids if they turn up to see him and they are faced with you straight away, they probably just want to spend time with their father. I don't think it means he's not serious about you.

pictish · 16/07/2012 10:16

And btw - an 'emotional relationship' counts for nothing when you have kids. And you hadn't seen him prior to that for 20 years.
You are falling over yourself to rush things along OP.

Original poster
serengetty · 16/07/2012 10:18

Yep, you are right, i am being unreasonable. Thanks all.

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