To think I need help?

[SchmancyPants]

I have namechanged for this as am embarrassed and confused. I am bisexual and have been with my female partner for 7 years. I am 32. I have a female colleague who is 10 years younger than me with whom I have always got on well, despite the fact that we are quite different- I am very girlie and emotional whereas she is quite reserved and has a very dry sense of humour. I would describe us as quite close friends.

Lately I am worried that I have been thinking a lot about this girl. She has had a rough time in her personal life lately and has talked to me about it a bit (although we have another colleague to whom she talks more). I am constantly thinking about her and whether she is ok. More worryingly, I am quite obsessive about what she is thinking about me, whether she is annoyed with me etc. I even get jealous when she talks more to my other colleague than to me.

I'm really concerned that I am developing feelings for her which are not normal. However, I don't think about her sexually at all (the idea makes me cringe a little) and I am having real difficulty working out why I feel this way. I would love to stop, as it is taking up a lot of my headspace and I feel weird about it. It is also affecting our friendship, as I find it hard to relax around her, and my relationship, as I am constantly thinking about her and not my DP.

It's driving me nuts- please help!

It's a bit of a crush if you ask me and they don't have to be sexual. I've developed crushes on colleagues over the years and fortunately have never acted on them. I think they happen when life is a little less than stressful exciting. It's weird as some of my crushes have been on people I've known professionally for ages and suddenly I become a little obsessed.

I wouldn't worry about it too much OP but don't force any situations either iykwim

Yup larks it does seem like a crush, but it feels so ridiculous at my age, especially with someone so much younger. I just feel like a sad old git! Also, because I am with a woman, I am terrified that my colleague will notice and start thinking I fancy her or something awful like that.
How can I make it stop?!!!

Why do you think your feelings are not normal? If she is really the first person you've ever had a crush on while you were with someone else you are both lucky and unusual! It is totally normal and they go away.

Yes but Dragon I am finding it disturbing because she is 10 years younger and also because it is non-sexual. I have fancied people before of course, but this feels very different, like an obsessional friendship that a teenager would have, and I don't like it and am embarrassed by it. Weirdly, I think I would be able to rationalise it more if I did fancy her, but I really don't.

I don't think either of those things are unusual though - you are worrying too much! It is a sign that you are a nice, concerned person but I don't think you need to worry.

If you think it is OTT can you just be strict with yourself about not contacting her too much, and so on?

She's not a child and you're hardy drawing your pension. There's nothing wrong with a 32 yo crushing on a 22 yo.

Thank you Dragon for making me feel a bit less like a freak :) I am trying my best not to contact her too much, yes, and hoping it goes away. I just want to taaaaaaaaaalk to her all the time

You see, Lucie, to me there is. I think it is somehow tied in with the fact that I'm bisexual and that I worry that she may think I fancy her, and then I worry that she would be horrified, and THEN I worry that she may be talking to others about me... Aaaaarghhhhhh

You mean you think she's homophobic?

I can see how that would make you feel odd about it. That's not fun.

But, look - you have a partner, and you're saying it's not sexual attraction, so it sounds as if it's very unlikely you would do anything about it. If she's silly enough to assume every lesbian or bisexual woman who is friendly with her is attracted to her, then is she really the sort of person you want to be friends with?

Or, if you are worried you are coming onto her without intending to, then you need to step back a bit. But it's nothing to be ashamed of at all.

watching/listening with interest.....

i felt like this about a friend a few years ago (im not bisexual and was married at the time); i just couldnt get enough of her company/ felt 'jealous' when she spent time with other friends/ didnt feel sexual at all....weird. and yes, i felt like a freak...especially about being jealous of her other friends

our friendship went very cold for a few years for other reasons, and it just petered out. i see a fair bit of her now and dont feel the same. but often reflect about why i felt like i did; i think some of it has to do with her...i cant explain it really...almost like she is a bit manipulative, but subconsciously.

its interesting you describe your frind as being reserved with a dry sense of humour...i take that to mean sarcastic?

No, no, I don't think she's homophobic!! She's lovely, not judgemental at all. I think it may be the second thing you said- I may be unintentionally coming onto her. (ew, even writing that down looks wrong!)
I'm overthinking this, aren't I? I just want it to go away- I hate not being able to enjoy her company without obsessing.

bejeezus yes, that is exactly how I feel. Yes, she is sarcastic but not horribly, just in a funny way. It's interesting what you say about being 'manipulative subcinsciously'. She is definitely the kind of person who is looked at with interest by others-quite enigmatic, I suppose, whereas enigmatic is the last thing I could ever be.

Yes, you're overthinking but (again) we all do it!

If you were coming onto her a little by mistake, or even because you had a crush, it wouldn't be wrong. It'd only be wrong if you did something to hurt your partner (which you obviously won't) or if you were making this woman feel uncomfortable (which there's no reason to think you are).

Most people are a bit flattered when someone likes them and won't think any more of it.