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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say "bolleaux" to France?

20 replies

tethersend · 15/07/2012 22:35

Well, to visiting the ILs to be specific.

I have been with DP for 5 years, have 2 DDs aged 3 and 8wks. I have never met his mother, despite her living just over the channel. I have met his stepfather a couple of times, as he has popped round whilst in the UK on business.

I do not understand why DP's mother has never visited, or why she has never sent a card or present for the girls. I don't understand why she does not call him on his Birthday or at Christmas. I don't understand why she did not call at all when DP decided to stop calling her to see if she would ever call him. They have not spoken for about two years until May when his stepfather had a stroke (now recovering). DP flew over and the relationship seems to have thawed a little, but he isn't really saying much. I know he enjoyed going to see his family though.

He has told me stories of his childhood which have made me a bit Hmm about the way his mother treated him (cold showers as a punishment? WTF?).

Le point? Of course. DP's stepfather emailed a couple of days ago to invite us over for a family reunion. DP's mum is now reconciled with her elderly estranged parents and has decided that everyone should come to France for a get together. In two weeks' time Hmm

-Baby DD does not have a passport
-I have my Uncle's funeral to go to the day before the 'party'
-We are skint
-I have never met her

I feel that she has shown zero interest in me or my children- or my DP for that matter- and I am simply not prepared to drop everything and fly over to France because she has snapped her fingers. I am not going. 8wk old DD is certainly not going. However, DP wants to go and take DD1 with him.

I feel uncomfortable with DD going to stay with people I have never met, and who are strangers to her. She doesn't speak French. However, her dad will be with her. He's so proud of her and wants to take her to show her off and I don't want to put my foot down and say she can't go- she's his DD too. But I'm not OK with her going either.

DP says he won't go on his own- partly because he doesn't want to leave me alone with the girls for a few days, partly because I think he'd be embarrassed to go alone.

So AIBU to insist that she doesn't go?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/07/2012 22:39

Gosh, that is tough. I don't think YABU though - that is really short notice and surely if she is reconciled with the family there will be other times you can go, when you haven't just lost a family member and you haven't got such a very new baby.

Does your DP really want to go? It's not possible he actually quite wants an excuse not to go and is using the 'wont' go alone' thing as that so he can not feel too guilty?

attheendoftheday · 15/07/2012 22:39

YABU to insist, I'm afraid. You will have to try and reach an agreement, your DP has as much right to make decisions for your DD as you do.

Tbh, I don't see why he shouldn't take her.

pictish · 15/07/2012 22:41

Mmm....he is her father, and I think he can take her to meet his family if he likes. Sorry.

Cheddars · 15/07/2012 22:44

Tricky one. I'd feel uncomfortable with her going but she is going with her dad. I don't see how you can say no.

How long would they be going for?

Original poster
tethersend · 15/07/2012 23:10

I know. I can't insist.

I just resent my DD being part of the charade. Plus, she's never been on a plane before. I know that's stupid, but she may be scared and I won't be there Sad

They'd just be going for the weekend, so two nights.

OP posts:
helenthemadex · 15/07/2012 23:19

its quite a difficult one but your DP wants to go and show off your dd so I think you should grit your teeth and let him go with your blessing. It may well turn out to be a charade but it could also break the ice and lead to better relations with the family, extra people to think your kids are great is no bad thing

attheendoftheday · 15/07/2012 23:23

I suppose it comes down to whether you'd think it was ok for you to take one of your dc away for two nights to visit your family when your dp couldn't come. If you would, then you're being unfair to not allow your dp to do the same.

That's assuming he is a hands on dad and your dd is used to being looked after by him.

JumpingThroughHoops · 15/07/2012 23:30

I'm in the 'it's her family too' camp - if DP wants to go, then you should all go, you are in the role of supporting him.

O/T is he French? if so, why aren;t you bringing your children up as bi-lingual? (sorry, that is just random nosiness)

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/07/2012 23:30

But you don't know for sure it would be a charade?

I understand where you are coming from with her having not shown any interest, and what you know of your DH's childhood - but you can't know it will be a charade.

Original poster
tethersend · 15/07/2012 23:31

yy, he's a very hands-on dad. And yes, I could and would go and visit my family without him- however, he's met my family; I haven't met his.

The thing is, what if they don't adore her and treat her as badly as they've treated DP?

I'm really fucking angry with his mother and resent having to be the bigger person. I do petty so much better Grin

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/07/2012 23:34

He surely wouldn't let them do anything bad to her, though? In fact, though obviously it's not the ideal way, mightn't it make him see them for what they are, if they tried to?

Original poster
tethersend · 15/07/2012 23:35

yes, DP is French- the fact that DD can't speak French is a whole other issue. I don't speak French at all and was at home with her the most when she was little, and DP speaks English to her. We're both pissed off about it, but essentially, she's not bilingual because her parents are idiots.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 15/07/2012 23:36

I'd let her go with her dad.

2 weeks notice is shite though... no way can you go with a baby who has no passport and you having a funeral to attend.

attheendoftheday · 15/07/2012 23:38

Surely if they were anything less that wonderful to your dd your dp would remove her from the situation?

You'd have to be a pretty shitty human being to be nasty to a small child.

Bossybritches22 · 15/07/2012 23:47

But the DD is only 3!!!

Abroad in an unfamiliar country not understanding the language + being without her mum regardless of how good with her the DP is......nope YANBU

His family, his visit, you can all go later together when the kids are older .

kissingtoads · 16/07/2012 00:03

First thought is that you should let dp and dd go together. It would probably be great for them both.

Seems like French MILs have something in common by ignoring grandchildren across the channel, based on my own experience. My dds French grandmother now does acknowledge their birthdays and Christmases, but only since I left exdp. Before that they may as well have never existed. She too never set foot in England. I don't think she liked the English. And I think she liked her son even less. But I am very grateful that she wants to keep in contact with dds because it is important to keep a connection with what is one half of their cultural identity.

Don't worry about your dd not speaking French. Childrenese is a worldwide language Grin .

GreenEggsAndNichts · 16/07/2012 00:08

Nothing to do with the problem at hand, but just wanted to say you can always start teaching her a bit of French. DH (German) mostly spoke English to DS when he was a baby/ small toddler but he's really moved over to mostly German now, and DS has picked it up so fast it's unbelievable. And being over with the inlaws helps him even more. He even knows it's "daddy language" and doesn't use it with me (though I speak it, I'm just not very comfortable with it, should practice more myself really!) He's 3.

My inlaws drive me bonkers but your MIL sounds like a real pain. I would also refuse to make the trip, but I wouldn't keep DH from going and taking the 3 yr old. I would probably make it a condition that he not leave her alone with MIL, though, sadly. She sounds unhinged. :(

helenthemadex · 16/07/2012 00:30

if you dp spoke french to your dc you would be amazed at how fast they pick it up.

I am in France with my 3 dd, totally english speaking at home when they started school at 3 they picked up the languge very quickly

RubyFakeNails · 16/07/2012 00:33

I would go with them or at least let her go with him.

My DH took our dc when they were babies out to Jamaica to see his family without me when I couldn't make it. At that point I had hardly met any of them out there.

I'd say the language thing isn't an issue at her age, also the idea of them doing something 'bad' to her is also highly unlikely. Your do will be there, and I think the chance of a 3 yr old being plunged into a cold shower is zero, even with a cold French mil.

Original poster
tethersend · 16/07/2012 10:17

Thanks all.

There's no way I'm going; funeral, baby and rage combined see to that.

I might go and buy DD a suitcase...

OP posts:
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