to not want my parents to look after DS?

[frappuccino]

I'm going to try to keep this as simple as possible. My dad (who is white) has two sons from a previous marriage before he met my mum ( who is black). When they were teenagers they came to live with us. During this time one of them was racist to me on several occasions. It caused massive rows between my mum and dad but ultimately they stayed together.

We got through it and had an ok relationship until I met DP who is foreign. The same son had issues with him (I believe) solely because of his race and one time attacked him and broke his nose. This is when I cut off all contact with him and have tried to stay away from him but he continued to harass both me and DP including tuning up to his place of work. Eventually things settled and he has got on with his life and we got on with ours.

I am now pregnant with my first child and it has become apparent my mum (despite swearing she would never have anything to do with him again) is back in contact with him. I think this is mainly to keep the peace with my dad.

Now I can't stop anyone having a relationship with him if that's what they choose. However, AIBU to tell my parents I do not want them looking after my baby when he is on the scene? My mum has mentioned looking after my baby when I go back to work but I'm uncomfortable with it knowing he is around and knowing he is a racist. I don't want to upset my mum but I feel I need to raise it. WWYD?

Could you specify that while you dc is with them your step brother must not be there too? It's very hard for parents to cut a child out of their lives no matter what he has done but would be unfair on dc to miss out on grandparents who love him/her if there are able to give love and care in every other way.

Have you spoken to your mum about this?

Did your brother have issues about you because "you" had taken his dad away?

Do you think he is genuinely racist? If so why is he friendly with your mum?

Has now grown up and comes to terms with his behaviour, and is trying to build bridges?

I genuinely believe he is a racist and he has said the most awful things to me, my mum and my DP. My mum told me she nearly split up with my dad over it and I think she feels she has to tolerate him for this reason.

My dad does not condone anything he's done but he has three grandchildren from him who he doesn't want to lose contact with which I understand. Whenever my dad has stuck up for me in the past, his response has been to stop him seeing his grandchildren which devastated my dad.

I don't want to do the same and deny access to my DS but I don't want him around someone like that. I only found out yesterday my mum has been in contact with him and it has really upset me. I have been avoiding her calls all day because I don't know what to say.

Are you planning to go back to work full time? If not, I'd definately turn your mum down, say you want to use a nursery and then have her over every other week for lunch/a morning to see your DS. She can have a good relationship with her grandchild without having to have sole care. You can 'manage' the relationship so that you are always there at the same time, and if racist uncle turns up at your Mum's house, you can then collect up your DC and leave.

I don't really have any advice as such to offer, but given your concerns as they appear on here, I don't think you are being unreasonable but there may be a way forward/compromise.