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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that he is yet again letting DC down

24 replies

Bongobaby · 15/07/2012 13:10

Contact has been arranged for dc to see father once a month, On the first contact visit he could not make it until four hours late past collection time so didnt bother at all. No reasonable explanation was mentioned as to why he was running so behind, As I realise things can happen along the way. I,m pretty laid back and could understand if you are running 20 mins half an hour behind. Even though he had 5 weeks notice this was to take place. DC was dissapointed but took it o.k. I have since long past the sugarcoating element of making up excuses for his father doing this, It ,s now at the 17th time of him doing this.
My Dc has a party to go to at next contact and asked father to take dc to the party, To which father said no he would see him next contact time instead.
This will mean that dc would not have seen father now for 6 weeks inbetween.
It,s as if he can,t be bothered, feel sorry for dc but I feel that I can,t get to involved in this and have to take a step back. Yes I am pissed off that he was so quick to absolve next contact, AIBU.... to think that yet again my dc is being let down...

OP posts:

TapirBackRider · 15/07/2012 13:11

YANBU.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 15/07/2012 13:14

You r right to think that. Short of being in the army and posted in foreign countries there is no excuse for a father to not have seen his child!!! Especially with five weeks notice the first time! if he cared that much he woulda told u exactly y it was he couldn't make it and bent over backwards to rearrange a time! So sorry ur poor dc :(

Original poster

Bongobaby · 15/07/2012 13:23

Thankyou Tap and Wheres. It,s been blindingly obvious to me that he don,t care, but dc cares very much and it,s not fair that dc has to take it in stride as if it is normal behaviour. I,m kind of between that he is such a selfish bastard and what do I do. He is not abroad but just 20 minutes away.
Believe me please that I have persevered with the contact because this is what dc wants.And I know that it is not about my feelings but FFS after the 17th time I,m beginning to lose my rag at this prick...

OP posts:

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 15/07/2012 13:27

I think that after 17 times it's a pretty obvious that the dc r not his priority :( how old is your dc? Is he/she old enough to decide whether or not s/he wishes to continue?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 15/07/2012 13:28

Sorry jet read the bit that says he wishes to carry on. Perhaps it is time for a chat with dc again though and discuss whether he has changed his mind

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 13:28

What would happen if you emailed him saying this? Seventeen times is absolutely dreadful.

TapirBackRider · 15/07/2012 13:33

It's blindingly obvious from your posts that your dcs are an afterthought to him; that he's not making any effort towards them at all.

It's also blindingly obvious that you're doing a fantastic job in not telling your dcs this; protecting them from this harsh behaviour.

I'm with Imperial - a polite email asking if he intends to honour his responsibilities towards them, maybe?

Original poster

Bongobaby · 15/07/2012 13:47

He is an unapproachable person, One that if he things don,t go his way then its not at all. Hence the reason the court is now fed up with his commitment issues and he is on the last chance. Would it be selfish of me to say that this is it now enough is enough. But then he says to the court that they are not on his side and they always take my side!! Untrue as I have always wanted is in dc best intrest in maintaining realatinship with father. In my mind its not about him but about dc wants and needs.
Felt so sorry for dc when he said that he won,t take him to the party and that he will see him next time around. For god sakes dc is not his mate down the pub that he bumps into now again.
He has been like this for the past five years and it,s draining me but I,m afraid that dc is now accustomed to his crap.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bongobaby · 15/07/2012 13:48

Dc is 8 years old.

OP posts:

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 15/07/2012 15:06

I think I would say enough is enough! Ur dc deserves better!!! U have given ample chances. I would however seek legal advice given that there is a contract and u don't want any wriggle room for him to worm his way back in to your lives :(

Original poster

Bongobaby · 15/07/2012 16:39

Dc seems aware of not wanting to upset father though. feels like this is what father knows aswell. I think that he is game playing at the expense of dc feelings which can,t be right can it? Aslo there is the element of control on his part to the worming his way back in. you are so right wheres... could this be at the bottom of his lame behaviour?

OP posts:

Socknickingpixie · 15/07/2012 16:43

Yadnbu

but I'm not sure how I feel about you making arangements for dc during the time he is sposed to be with his dad

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 15/07/2012 16:46

Most probably! :( but by now ur dc must also be very aware how u have kept quiet up until now and how you have never once stopped him from seeing his dad. But this is emotional abuse keeping ur poor dc hanging on and I would now go as far to say that the initial stopping him from seeing his dad won't go down well but he has you and u can work thru it together. The long term effects of the constant in and outs of his dad in his life will no doubt be far worse in the long run. But do it legally, seek advice from solicitor, child psychologist etc I'm so sorry op what a horrible horrible man :(

complexnumber · 15/07/2012 16:50

17 times!

I do find it a little odd that you might be logging this, however in your position I would be very pleased that I had! It is completely unacceptable over a 5 year period.

Original poster

Bongobaby · 15/07/2012 16:52

socknickingpixie, I had planned to go out whilst dc was sposed to be with father but that can,t happen as I will now take dc to the party instead. It,s a I can,t be bothered to take you myself so your mum can do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bongobaby · 15/07/2012 17:00

I,m not logging it as such, I wanted to give a fair picture of what has been going on and for how long and how many times dc has been let down. I don,t want to go storming in and just stopping all contact as I have given ample chances hence the 17 times being mentioned.
But now I have to seriously think that the bloke is taking the piss and dc is not a priority to him. I just needed some advice as its alot to handle on my own giving this headspace.
My heart is breaking for dc and making the right decision in regards to this.

OP posts:

Socknickingpixie · 15/07/2012 17:04

Obviously this is based just on my suituation but if a invite arrives for a time when dc is due with dad then dad gets to decide if it's ok to attend or not

DeckSwabber · 15/07/2012 17:15

Perhaps the thing is not to tell your child the dates and times you arrange with his father, and have a back up plan so that you don't have a completely ruined day.

maxtrue · 15/07/2012 17:33

Can only offer sympathy from a lone parent - my dd1 (12yrs) has just been let by her dad after promising to visit and not showing up!!! not a txt or call - scumbag fucker !!!

Anyway I understand the frustration making plans etc then at their whim alone your plans have to be altered or cancelled its so fucking annoying! As far as your childs feeling go its a really really tough one (also coming from a single mum) I couldnt say get lost I think the kids will eventually just weary of it all themselves...its just so very hard when ex's dont care....or care about themselves more than their kids - good luck though

Original poster

Bongobaby · 15/07/2012 17:43

He has decided not to take him to the party and also not to have dc on contact day. He has the choice to do both. It,s not as if it,s been said by myself not to have dc at all because of the party. seems that this man has to pacified all the time. The party is two hours out of contact time out of the whole seven so he still gets to spend an adequate amount of time with dc.
considering contact is only once a month can,t he stop thinking about his selfish self for once.....

OP posts:

TapirBackRider · 15/07/2012 18:43

So sorry about this OP - for you and your dc.

Some people can't think beyond their own needs, unfortunately for those around them.

You would not be selfish to say enough is enough; your dc need you to be their advocate. Would your ex reply to an email asking if he still wants contact?

I would, whilst this is all going on, note every time he's substantially delayed, or fails to show; it is evidence to show the court.

Socknickingpixie · 15/07/2012 18:59

I do compleatly see what your saying and I don't think your being ur at all I was just meaning that the not bothering to turn up and the party are two sepperate things.
Email or write to him keep it factual and make the tone as reasonable as you can highlight the occasions he hasn't bothered and Inc dates if you can then add something like would it be easyer for you to comply with contact if it was every other month as that means you don't have to rearange your commitments monthly or can arange other commitments outside of these times as not to run the risk of letting ds down. That way should he ever go to court you have covered your back if he's going to lie.
As to your ds's feelings all you can do is be there for him when he wants to talk as I'm sure you do now

Original poster

Bongobaby · 15/07/2012 19:16

He wants contact but only when it suits him. This is not good for dc feelings of feeling secure about his father. It needs to be consistant and looks forward to the time of contact. For him to do this he shows no regard to dc feelings. I understand that he may feel thats its eating into his contact time but it is only for two hours.

OP posts:

Socknickingpixie · 15/07/2012 22:06

bongo they really are two sepperate issues, tackle the most important issue that being dad not bothering to show up and his timekeeping. chances are the party thing will not be an issue in future as he will probally just drop out of ds's life compleatly.

but seriously if you reply to invites at a time when ds is due to be with dad then your actually giving dad amo to argue with you because it would be concidered perfectly reasonable for him to say im expecting him to be with me between the hours of x and x if you make other plans with him during that time its not on so its not unreasonable for me to either say no he cant go or to change the contact time to when he has no plans iyswim.

try to look at every thing as tho one day he may be talking about it in a court room, and avoid handing him something he could argue about and be seen as being perfectly reasonable.sorry but the party thing is valid it would be unusual for something like that not to go in his favor

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