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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to miss some of my life, as it was in the past?

12 replies

Foxy800 · 15/07/2012 09:36

Sorry just a feeling sorry for myself post!!! I cant help wishing that my life was how it was in my early twenties sometimes!!Obviously I adore and love my 6 yr old dd and she isnt one of the things that I am referring to.
Just somehow cant help feeling life was easier then!! I had a great social life and a great circle of friends. Now I am practically a single parent although dd's dad and I are working on our relationship but he currently doenst live with us, hasnt since September last year and we havent been on a "date" since March!!! And I barely have any friends, all moved away or gone their own ways etc.
There are other things I often wonder about too from that time. Life just seemed more much easier and more fun!!!
Moan over, am now off to take my dd to the park while the sun is out.

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CoteDAzur · 15/07/2012 09:41

Are you sure you have a relationship with your DD's dad? If he lives elsewhere and you haven't had a 'date' since March (4 months), I mean.

It sounds like you would be better off looking elsewhere. Then you would have more fun, and you wouldn't feel so alone.

CoteDAzur · 15/07/2012 09:42

Sorry, that last bit came out a bit harsh. I meant to say you should maybe try to build a social life for yourself that doesn't include your XP, for he sounds like an ex.

Foxy800 · 15/07/2012 09:50

Sorry didnt explain it well and it doesnt sound harsh at all. He does stay occasionally but we just sit watching tv. I cant afford a social life otherwise I would go out occasionally.
I guess I am just thinking about the past because one of dd's godfather's, a good friend, was also my first true love, we were just too yung and I guess one of the things I think about is would we still be together now etc but I guess this is because he reminds me of a happy time etc.
Well really must get to the park, will check back in a bit.

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Foxy800 · 15/07/2012 12:38

Just bumping this up.

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mermaid101 · 15/07/2012 13:55

Foxy, although my DD is not even a year yet, I know exactly how you feel. Since she has been born I feel like I have been in mourning for my past life. All the things you describe really resonate with me. I just really miss all the socialising I used to do and the time to myself in the house, just to read, watch TV or tidy up at my leisure.

So, no advice or anything, I'm afraid, but I hear you! I find it pretty depressing sometimes. I guess at least we do have great memories from our twenties and we did have a lot of fun. I suppose not everyone has that.

Foxy800 · 15/07/2012 14:50

Thank you for your reply mermaid101. The thing is I havent always felt like this and I do love my daughter dealing and wouldnt be without her for the world. I think it is just so much has gone on in my life in the past year that I guess I am missing what I used to have!!!

THe thought of another night in front of the tv when dd is in bed just depresses me!!!

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Foxy800 · 15/07/2012 20:15

Thank you for your replies Mermaid and Cote.xx

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Moominsarescary · 15/07/2012 20:29

When times are hard it's only natural to look back at the good times fondly.

Do you work? If not could you find free local activities over the holidays where you could go with your dd and maybe meet people. I know it's difficult when you feel all your old friends have moved on and it can be hard to meet new people but building a social life can help you feel better about things

gatheringlilac · 15/07/2012 20:38

Don't mourn for the past - think about what it is you want, now, that you don't have. I'm guessing that Cote may have it, you know. I think your intuition is telling you that you want another, different, partner, or at the very least, the relationship you two have needs changing.

You also sound as though you want to extend your friend circle and your social life. You can do all these things, even though you have a 6 year old. It will require a conscious amount of work, though. And that's OK. Think about all the things you put effort into (housework, home deco, shopping, gardening). The same effort, not necessarily vast amounts, but small and regular, needs to go into this area of your life that needs a bit of gardening.

It probably won't ever be the same as when you were younger but a. most of the people you meet now, who are your age, with children, will be in a similar boat b. you have some of the things that you yearned for in those earlier years c. you are older and wiser, which is part of why you don;t try and recreate the "you" of those past years now - you have to embrace that as a good thing - even though it does mean losing stuff.

I really empathise with how you feel, though! There are many times I could kill to just waltz out of the house , just because I feel like it, without having to plan and calculate ... and pay! And that lack of freedom to just go out does wreak carnage on your social life. So it's not just you.

But I do remember that a lot of those child-free years were years when I was younger, more anxious, more uncertain. And a lot of that time was spent searching for who i was, and what I wanted. And therefore I spent an inordinate amount of time doing things that, actually, I found quite boring. Shame really. But all part of that journey of discovery. Oh, how the older, wiser, more encumbered me gazes into the magic mirror of time, looks back on younger me and says things like: "Don't bother going to that party. You're going to be bored witless, a really unpleasant person is going to drunkenly corner you, and you're going to be too polite to extricate yourself, even though you are fuming inside. Spend the time with "y" instead - you like that kind of thing." But that, of course, is the wisdom accumulated having done the journey.

So, you are where you are now. If you went back in time, it really wouldn't work, in so many different ways. The trick is to work out what it is you want to change, or add to, in the present, and see if you can work towards that, even if it is going to be hard work.

Good luck. I'm sure you are not alone feeling like this.

Foxy800 · 15/07/2012 20:54

Thank you for the replies, Moomin and gathering.

Moomin I do work 4 days a week and was also doing a uni course vut that has finished till October. I have really started to feel like this aince that ended as have too much time in the evenings, once the preps for the next day are done etc it is very lonely with nothing to do.

I do sometimes feel that I need to make changes to my relationship with dd's dad but not sure how or if he will be a part of it. I dont think he sees there si a problem.

And Gathering, there is a lot about the past I wouldnt want to go back to as well so know what you are saying.

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Foxy800 · 16/07/2012 09:48

Well I no longer want one part of my younger life back. This morning I discovered that my first true love has cheated on his wife. (He is dd's godfather, and thankfully doesnt live locally) This has really shocked me to the core as I didnt think he was like that. He has done some really really stpid things in the past but no matter what it is I cant hate him or bring myself to stop being friends with him!!! I cannot stand cheats, have been on the receiving end myself so know how it feels but yet still I cant bring myself to cut contact etc. Instead I found myself messaging him, saying I dont agree with what he did etc but also trying to reassure him.

This guy has messed my head up so much in the past but I jst cant pull away from him!!! Only a few months ago when they went through a rough past he was telling me he loved me, we should never have split etc all those years ago etc but I wouldnt bite as he was married and I am trying to sort relationship with dd's Dad. He has done this in the past too.

I keep trying to cut contact after things like this but just cant do it!!!

Sorry vent over!!!!!!! Not even sure this will make sense to anyone!!!!

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Foxy800 · 16/07/2012 11:07

Bumping this up!!!

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