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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Definition of friend??

23 replies

angeld40 · 15/07/2012 08:43

Hi,
I was the victim of the worst crime a woman can suffer several months ago, and am currently signed off work with stress. To say I'm struggling is a huge understatement. This incident happened after a work event, with colleagues etc so as you can imagine, I'm constantly reminded every time I think of work!

A friend who works in mental health has been so 'un-helpful'. She texted me yesterday asking how I was and upon hearing I was signed off with stress, says she was feeling tired too and might take some time off work. She previously compared what happened to me with her money issues. I've said to her that she is incredibly judgmental and she didn't like this at all. The mocking tone in her voice was so patronising, and she made me feel awful. The irony is that she says I have no empathy, and I'm now totally confused.
She says she has experienced certain situations in life which make her want to help women and support them. None of my other friends try and tell me what to do or how to live my life.
Am I being unreasonable and missing something?

OP posts:

lovebunny · 15/07/2012 09:05

even if she genuinely wants to be your friend in this situation, she isn't getting it right!
if she texts or phones, you could try not answering. or if that isn't your style, say gently 'i'm sorry, x, but speaking to you makes me uncomfortable. i will contact you again when i feel up to it.'
it seems from what you've said that she really does not understand that your experience is life changing in a way that her experiences have not been.
you don't owe her anything, not empathy, nor anything else. you have your own situation to deal with and you are doing what you can - if you can only stay safe at home and 'heal' slowly, that's what you must do.

QuacksForDoughnuts · 15/07/2012 09:09

She may be trying to be helpful in some odd way - if she's never experienced what you have she quite possibly won't know how to handle it. But you wouldn't be unreasonable to take a break from her until you're feeling stronger. The reason I eventually broke friends with one particular ex was because his idea of 'being helpful' after I was assaulted was to tell me to get over it and have a go at me for being weak if I didn't want to do certain things or walk in certain places alone right afterwards. The moral of that story is that a friendship that is maintained at the expense of your sanity isn't worth hanging on to...

Original poster

angeld40 · 15/07/2012 13:23

Thanks guys for your comments. I agree with both of you in that she has definitely made me feel very uncomfortable, and I do wonder for someone who has worked in mental health for over 10 years why she is not more compassionate?? I tried to be understanding of her situation, and when she compared her money issues I guess that was the final straw.
Staying at home and healing is proving to be extremely difficult at the moment though. I'm so worried about my job, and tbh don't even know if I will be able to go back. I am constantly reminded of what happened when I'm at work, hence being signed off with stress. I feel scared even going out of the house, and find myself staying in the house for days at a time, and not really worrying too much about it. When I'm out I can't wait to get back home again. I know I should be getting out of the house more, and the rain is a good excuse to be inside.

OP posts:

SoleSource · 15/07/2012 13:30

She said she was tired too. ... maybe she is tired. Just have no more contact with her. You're at a very sensitive time right now. I wish you well and sorry this happened to you.

lovebunny · 15/07/2012 13:53

i did think of saying 'perhaps you should not go back to that job' but i didn't want to make things even more difficult for you. i suppose some people would think that going back is overcoming the trauma etc. all i can say is that i'd want to avoid it. but i'm not good at facing things.

whatthewhatthebleep · 15/07/2012 14:01

maybe you could talk with your GP again...they may have cpn's or similar support people who can come round and see you...

they are... 1 a regular face. 2 you can talk about anything. 3 it gives you good reason to get up, have the shower and dress, put the kettle on before they arrive...One thing to build upon a routine...so you are moving towards getting back to routines...it's very easy to sit in pj's and not bother if you don't give yourself a better routine and stick to some small goals...such as having a shower, getting dressed, eating regularly, etc. These support people can also maybe go with you for short walks and to different area's such as around open spaces like the park and busier places such as some shopping area's with more people, etc...it would build up your confidence and ability to get past any worries about going out and managing.
You must be absolutely honest with your GP...make a list before you go so you remember to say everything and ask about support...you need this now...

Do you have a close friend who you could maybe ask for this sort of practical help too...popping in 1/2 times a week...going for a walk or to shops, etc and asking them that they don't let you shirk the plans and can be making sure you do as you have planned...maybe just 1 thing on each visit??? Friends will want to help and support but won't necessarily know how...you could ask them about doing this for you....if you have enough friends, 1 could visit on a day each or maybe they would be happy to do more than 1 day/visit.
I'm sure they would support you to go to appts and fill in forms and things too...you just need to ask them

I hope this sounds helpful and makes some sense to you...and I hope you ask for the support you need and not keep bottled up and 'hiding'

I wish you well with all good thoughts xx

SoleSource · 15/07/2012 14:11

Fab helpful post what :)

Original poster

angeld40 · 15/07/2012 14:29

WOW! what your mention of a CPN has scared the beejesus out of me!

I am going to get in contact with my friends and ask for some help. I really don't want it on my record that I have CPN involvement. I'm seeing a specialist counsellor this week, so I'm sure this will help. I am getting up and dressed each morning, but due to what happened and having PTSD I guess its understandable to be scared of being outside.

I'm signed off work for one more week, and I plan on getting back into a work routine in that week. I'll make sure I get out of the house daily and stop 'hiding'.

Thanks for giving me the kick up the backside that I so obviously need!!

OP posts:

SoleSource · 15/07/2012 14:30

what's post helped me too :)

whatthewhatthebleep · 15/07/2012 20:07

I apologise...perhaps I read your posts wrongly...I got a strong impression that your emotional well being was causing issue's for you???...actually you said repeatedly.. to say I'm struggling is a huge understatement ... etc, etc...avoiding going out...healing is extremely difficult, finances issues, not sure if you could even manage to go back to your job,,,there was alot there to suggest you were in need of support..???

It's why I replied to you...I understand some of these feelings very well myself and felt I could make helpful suggestion's to you...

It wouldn't be so awful if it happened to be what your GP recommended...would it?...
CPN's are by definition staff who are working within a community to support the emotional well being of patients...whatever that may actually be about for an individual....
I wonder what you find so scarey about that?...again my apologies for any of my advice you didn't appreciate.
I certainly meant nothing 'scarey' or whatever....all the best anyway ok

minimisschief · 15/07/2012 20:35

your problem is you turned it into a competition by dismissing her problems because yours is worse.

shes probably trying to share her problems to make you feel like you arent the only one whos life sucks atm.

whatthewhatthebleep · 15/07/2012 20:46

minimiss who are you levelling this at exactly?? either way it's utter nonsense and just bollocks...
if you can't add anything helpful....just get off and go somewhere else...there is no need for your attitude towards anyone

Original poster

angeld40 · 15/07/2012 20:50

what Oh dear, I didn't expect you to think I wasn't grateful for your comments. I'm really glad you said what you did, extremely so. Sorry if it sounded otherwise. I genuinely appreciated so much what you said, as what has happened has had a profound effect on my life, but I'm determined to not let it define who I become. I'm seeing a specialist therapist this week and this will help I'm sure.
I've had a massive clear out today, really helped to clear my head. Got plans for my last week off, and am really grateful for all your kind words.

OP posts:

whatthewhatthebleep · 15/07/2012 20:52

omg...sorry minimiss ...i got your post totally wrong....I realise you are answering to OP and friend issue bit...so sorry...picked you up all wrong....

Original poster

angeld40 · 15/07/2012 20:53

Oh and totally and utterly agree with what reply to minimisschief. Thank you, and agree that what she said was totally uncalled for and absolute bollocks, bums and balls!!

OP posts:

whatthewhatthebleep · 15/07/2012 20:55

I think I'm having a meltdown of my own here right now....picking stuff up all wrong...ffs...I need a slap I think!!!

Apologies all over the place...!!!!!
I'm feeling like a right numpty right now...I'll clean my glasses and have some chocolate...maybe I'll stimulate my brain into working properly....

A thousand sorry's....xxxx

Original poster

angeld40 · 15/07/2012 20:56

I've since had a text from 'friend' saying she is really sorry for being so horrible and for being so hard on me.

OP posts:

whatthewhatthebleep · 15/07/2012 21:10

angeld40 ....I think minimiss could have expanded her synopsis in a better/nicer way so it wasn't like a stabbing to you....but...look at it this way...maybe your friend was trying to empathise with you to some degree, acknowledging that financial issues are hard and she has been very tired too, etc...maybe more that she tried to mirror and appreciate some of how you are feeling....as minimiss said/or hopefully meant to say...your friend did it in an attempt to make you realise you are not alone.....
minimiss
the crap about 'making competition and dismissing friend is very unfair...thats a bad assumption and not justified or helpful I don't think...

ffs sake...now I'm unpicking badly typed posts!!!!....

Original poster

angeld40 · 15/07/2012 22:11

what ffs indeed! What I initially posted about is a highly emotive subject, and one which can provoke as has shown differing responses.
As much as I appreciate all the comments, I certainly don't want this to be a slanging match, or to offend anyone.
Thank you

OP posts:

whatthewhatthebleep · 15/07/2012 22:14

I'm glad your friend has called and apologised...thats good...and my apologies again x

OAM2009 · 15/07/2012 22:54

OP, just wanted to pass on my best wishes I hope the specialist counsellor helps you through this difficult time.

Re your friend, if she's texted to apologise, perhaps she was in a bad place herself when she responded to you. You could give her the benefit of the doubt and allow her the chance to behave better next time

Original poster

angeld40 · 17/07/2012 19:14

Thanks OAM2009 yes, everyone does deserve another chance. None of us are perfect, and I make mistakes every day as I'm sure we all do.
Thank you everyone for your kindness. Believe me, what I've been through is the worst thing any woman can go through, and is feared by most women the most. Seeing a specialist counsellor this week and really hope this will help

OP posts:

OAM2009 · 27/07/2012 20:05

Hey angel, just wondering how you're doing and hoping all is going well for you x

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