to ask for help 'getting over' this

[dontwanttogetitwrong]

everyone knows - his parents, mine, the older DCs. He has prostrated himself, he tries hard.

WHATEVER happens, I refer it back to his cheating. I can find no joy. Whenever I am happy I remind myself what he did.

Should I leave him, or... keep trying? He is paying his dues.

Depends upon why he cheated in the first place and if he still loves you. I think that couple counselling would probably enable you to air your thoughts and help you to move on.

we did that. He said he was bored.

How long ago are we talking OP?

I think you need couples counselling TBH. It should help you work out everything in your head and then hopefully move on one way or another.

If you make the decision to get back with someone after they have cheated then to some extent I think it needs to be a clean slate from then on, you clearly haven't forgiven him at all if you refer back to it at every argument (I'm assuming these are arguments about other things that then come back to this IYSWIM). I'm also assuming a decent amount of time has passed here so apologies if not.

You need to get it clear in your head why you got back together and if the reasons are good enough I think. If they are then I think you need to draw a line and start again, and agree that this isn't mentioned again. If you can't do that then I think you really need to consider why you got back together because if you can never trust him again then you won't have a good relationship again. It's a call only you can make.

Bored? That's a pretty poor excuse. What are you, his entertainment system?

Seek counselling. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and the effects it's had.

If you have to remind yourself of his cheating when you are happy, I think the answer is that you need to be separated. You sound like you want to continue punishing him and this is not good for you, your children, or him. You will become bitter as time passes. Being happy then reminding yourself of his cheating....not good.

I am not condoing his cheating but I just think its better for you to leave the relationship because its not doing you any good.

Forgiving is a conscious choice. It doesn't mean you feel warm and fluffy inside and little birds come and sing in your kitchen and help with the washing up. It's about shutting a door in your head and not going back there, choosing not to bring it up, not allowing yourself to dwell on the past and focusing on going forward together and all the good stuff instead.

It's not for everyone, most people have things they feel they can't forgive and just because you want to be able to doesn't mean you will be able too. Sometimes the betrayal is too great. Sometimes it might make you reassess what you actually have (as opposed to the relationship you thought you had) and decide it's not worth the effort.

If you want to keep trying, get some relationship counselling. Alone at first. It may be that there are things you can't get out easily that are standing in the way of what you want to do. Forgiving someone who has betrayed you leaves you open to being betrayed again and all the pain and suffering that goes with that, and we all have self protection mechanisms that will fight against making ourselves vunerable.

if you can't/don't want to forgive, it's not the end of the world and it doesn't make you a bad person. You've done nothing wrong.

Where the heck did you get that from, jumping?! The OP is quite clearly not enjoying things - she says so! And saying she is 'damaging' her children is really harsh, IMO, especially since you do not seem to think her husband (ie., the person who actually did something wrong) is not worth mentioning for criticism.

Sorry OP, I don't know what to say but I didn't want to let that go. I think you deserve better than 'paying his dues', though - if you cannot get past what he did, you can't. You're not obliged to get over it.