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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH is being Unreasonable

33 replies

salvatoresandwich · 13/07/2012 17:05

DH doesn't want to invite his dad or sister to our LO christening. They both live 5 minutes away and do lots together. His SIS has a daughter his dad spends lots of time with takes her on hols and babysits. SIS has not seen. Our little one and dad was phoned when Lo was three weeks to ask if he was coming down to see her.
Now I know families are strange but as I no longer have my parents I wonder if DH is right by not wanting hid dad or SIS at christening.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 13/07/2012 17:08

Begs the question why his Sis has not seen the baby? How old is the baby? Why cant the baby be taken to Sis?

Obviously a family dynamic you arent aware of or have not shared in your OP between your Dh and his family.

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2012 17:09

You'd have to go along with his decision, whether he's right or not he must have good reasons if he's excluding them altogether.

What's he like when you've talked to him about it? Angry? Not fussed?

How will other people in the family react?

LindyHemming · 13/07/2012 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckityFuckFuck · 13/07/2012 17:13

Why doesn't he want to invite them?

Do you mean your DH is excluded from his Dad doing things with his sister?

Or is it because you had to phone your FIL to arrange for him to meet your DD?

Original poster
salvatoresandwich · 13/07/2012 17:25

He feels that his dad isn't really bothered bout our LO and does feel excluded as he never gets an invite to do things with his dad and SIS. Which is why he hasn't taken our LO to see SIS. There isn't any other family - AGENT. LO is 5 weeks.

OP posts:
Dprince · 13/07/2012 17:25

He isn't being U, but neither are you.
His family is different to yours or rather Your idea of family is different. Tbh if my dbro (don't have a sister) didn't come and see my dcs when they were born within a couple of days I would be annoyed. I would annoyed if I had to call my dad specifically to see their GC. I am really close to my family, but dh isn't. He is closer to my parents. In fact the people who work for dh thought my dad was his dad, as he calls him dad.
I get the way you feel if you no longer have your parents. But this is really up to your dh.

Flyonthewindscreen · 13/07/2012 17:27

So in a nutshell your FIL and SIL do loads together and he is an active GP to SIL's DD but neither of them bother with you and your DC? I can see why your DH is upset but unless he wants to create a big argument with lots of upset I think it would be more dignified to invite both to the christening and see if they make the effort to turn up and pay your DC some attention.

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2012 17:30

Could it be because your DC is only a baby, some people don't see the point in any interaction with a newborn like my FIL for example so just don't bother.

Pandemoniaa · 13/07/2012 17:32

Refusing to ask his sister and father to the christening isn't really going to help with these feelings of exclusion is it? If anything, it'll compound the problems.

OlympicTorch · 13/07/2012 17:33

5 weeks is a bit young to write off her relationship with her granddad and auntie.
There must be more to it as far as your DH is concerned.

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2012 17:33

Sometimes it can be about minimising the hurt you're feeling at the way they're behaving pan.

coppertop · 13/07/2012 17:33

I think people can often have a certain tolerance to being treated poorly by others, but when they become parents and see their child being treated in the same way, it can be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Do you think your FIL and SIL would even notice if the christening happened without them?

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2012 17:34

Maybe the DH is worried they're going to say no?

squeakytoy · 13/07/2012 17:35

Do you ever ask his dad or sister to come to you or do you wait to be asked?

Original poster
salvatoresandwich · 13/07/2012 17:39

Sorry I should have been clearer in my OP. We also have another LO together who is 21 months. This is how they have always been. They were invited and came to her christening. OH makes an effort to interact with his dad. He phones and pops up and when he wanted to take his dad out for birthday meal his dad said I'm already going out with your sis and the other GC so when OH told me this I told him to invite himself along.

OP posts:
Original poster
salvatoresandwich · 13/07/2012 17:47

Squeakytoy - OH has continually issued an open invite to his dad. His dad does often walk past the house going into town too. Also when post for OH goes to his dads he will pop it through our letterbox even when we are in?

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mynewpassion · 13/07/2012 17:48

Does your SIL makes a lot of effort with her dad more than DH does? It sounds like she does if she's inviting him to go on holidays with their family and such. Maybe she realizes that (assuming here) their mother is gone, she doesn't want her father to be alone too much. She includes him in many of their family activities.

Original poster
salvatoresandwich · 13/07/2012 18:04

Mynewpassion - I'm not quite sure. Family holidays were always DH, his sis and her daughter and then their mum and dad. Then mum passed away and holidays continued. Then DH met me and so it was his dad, sis and niece who did things together and DH never got an invite. Oh dear.....maybe it's me??? I never thought of that!!!!

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AgentZigzag · 13/07/2012 18:08

If it is you, I always think it's not your responsibility if they haven't had the decency to say what the problem is.

How long have you been together with your DH? Is it just since your DHs mum died that there's been a problem?

mynewpassion · 13/07/2012 18:19

Why would your DH need an invite if its a family holiday? Why didn't he at that time asked when the annual family holiday was? Or maybe your DH, at that time, didn't want to go on the annual family holiday and as such stop asking about it so they stopped talking to him about it. Maybe he didn't want to spend money on a family holiday with FIL and SIL and DN instead want to spend holiday with you and the children.

You say that FIL has an open invitation to visit. That's fine but maybe he wants to respectful and not just pop over anytime. Maybe he's waiting for an invite to come over. Maybe SIL invites him over for dinner or to play with DN unlike what you and your DH do. Maybe SIL has always done more for him after MIL died.

Circumstances change. Priorities change. I don't think its anyone's fault. Its just that DH and FIL drifted apart and not sure how to change it. Maybe DH should make more of an effort to include FIL.

mynewpassion · 13/07/2012 18:21

Do you like FIL?

Original poster
salvatoresandwich · 13/07/2012 18:36

DH is very quiet and to be honest maybe he didn't want to go on the annual family holiday with them so never asked them about it and they didn't ask him. Maybe I was more exciting at the time? Wink

When FIL came down to see our new LO. He stopped for 5 minutes, but I don't think that means anything surely. I do know that SIL and DN don't invite FIL over but do go to FIL a lot. When DH does go up to FIL he does have to stand on the doorstep though which I find a little odd.

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Original poster
salvatoresandwich · 13/07/2012 18:38

mynewpassion - I never minded FIL but I don't like to see DH hurting IYGWIM.

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mynewpassion · 13/07/2012 20:05

Is it only your DH that goes over to see FIL? You never mention yourself or the children going over.

Original poster
salvatoresandwich · 13/07/2012 20:30

I do go with OH, but have to admit not on every occasion as I do have three other children to care for from a previous marriage.

OP posts: