To feel upset that ds2 is not invited to parties

[MamaMaiasaura]

Ds2 is 4 and goes to preschool. He has high functioning autism, but this isn't common knowledge. According to preschool he has lots of friends. Outside preschool few parents talk to me. There have been at least 3 parties this last month at local health centre (same time he has swimming lesson) so I wouldn't of known of parties otherwise. Rest of class is pretty much there and no invite for ds2 :( I feel bad for him as he needs social interaction but isn't included. He never hits or violent slit can't be that. I just don't get it

So it not slit

Could you maybe start the ball rolling by inviting a couple of kids to yours?

Oh I am sorry. At that age I think the people who are invited are those that are the parents friends children as opposed to who the child wants.

Are the other parents all friendly with each other?

Is it possible that you are so busy looking over DS that you aren't making the social interactions that you need to make (for example, you avoiding others rather than they avoiding you). If not, maybe you could start chatting to mums one by one until you find someone you get along with, and build from there. It's unlikely that other mother's are avoiding you on purpose, sometimes it just happens.

Hurtful as it is try not to worry. When my DS was at preschool I didnt get to know any of the other mums or their kids, its not like school gates or anything and when my DS had parties I still tended to stick to my baby friends and people I knew before pre-school.

We plan to, his birthday 27th Dec so very close to Xmas. Last year we were having a joint one with a little girl at preschool at same sports centre. They changed their minds and pulled out (there was a thread about it back then) and it didn't happen, so instead had a few friends over for party games and cake. At the time of last party we were going through the throws of inclusion officer assessment and starting ball rolling regarding diagnosis (tho was in complete denial then)

I am friends with another mum there in particular, she's very down to earth with a baby same age as my dd. I do smile and make small talk, but do literally get snubbed by some. Ds was desperately trying to tell this particular mum about star wars and she totally blanked him. No idea why

I'm about to have a party for my DD's 4th birthday and the friends from her Pre-school who got invitations first were the ones who had invited her to their parties, IYSWIM.

Have you had a party and invited other children to it? If not then, that could explain it. Nothing personal against your son at all, it would just be the other parents wanting to reciprocate hospitality that has been shown to their children.

Last year I didn't know many of the children so stuck my neck out and invited a random bunch of them. I now know some of the mums quite well and that has led to a lot of reciprocal party invitations for DD.

FWIW, I believe a couple of the kids we've invited this year have special needs of some kind or other and it wasn't a consideration when we came to doing invites.

My DS1 has ASD and we also get this. He is invited to very very few parties and it really upsets me. I have though worked out that I end up a lot more upset about it than him. It is really about me being angry about him being excluded than him actually registering it. I try to tell him that nobody is invited to everything and just do something nice with him on that day. I know how hard it is to see this happen to your child so I am sending hugs.

If it makes you feel any better - DD is very popular in nursery and has loads of friends there, but is never invited to parties. I wouldn't have known either, except there was a reminder on the board when I went to drop her off with a list of children who needed to be given party invitations. I think it's because I haven't had a big party for DD whilst she's been at nursery and therefore have not invited anyone, so they haven't invited DD.

Pre-school at our school seemed to have a different 'solialising' culture to Reception. It was almost all the same people, but unless we already knew each other, which some of us with older kids did, there weren;t really any playdates or parties at pre-school. As soon as Reception started, and it was 90% te same kids then play dates and parteis started in ernest.

I agree with the others who say you need to make a move yourself and invite some of the kids your DS likes round and get to know their Mums. They will most likely reciprocate.

I'm sure it is not because of your sons autism. MOre because you are not chatting to other mums etc. BTW I'm not judging you on this - i find it hard to interact and socialise with other mums at my DD nursery as i am usually in a rush to get to work or something so i cannot hover for a chat.!
My DS is at primary school and has an autistic little boy in his class and he is invited to parties.
Again, my son is not invited to them all. I work full time and do not interact (as much) with other mums because of this. I very much agree that at this age the mums invite the children of the mums they are friendly with.
As they get older they will tell you who their friends are!.
And when it was my sons party he did not invite the whole class either - that would be too many!

We plan to invite his whole class when it's his party as will be on year R then and did same for ds1. I think it's the being in same place as party coincidence that's made it more obvious iyswim. I do smile and try to make small talk but some of them literally shun me. They are the mums who are on the committee of the preschool and would be aware of the issues and that OFSTED were being involved as well as inclusion officer as the preschool were trying to exclude ds2 from nativity as he might not sit still. This was the build up to him being assessed.

yanbu but you've still gotta grow a very very thick skin about it.
I have had lotsa variants on this for DC, can't be arsed to barely notice any more. Agree it comes down to how well YOU know the other parents, most the time.

I would be surprised if committee members knew about individual cases. . I was Chair of Preschool; we had several children with very special circumstances (eg, one was a high abduction risk and we had to go over the procedure for calling police if her crazy parent turned up, at least one other child with severe allergy) and I only knew those children were there, not which children they were. Preschool Supervisor was adamant she was not at liberty to tell us which children they were. Never knew anything about who had SN.

Invited loads to DS's own party but not invited back anywhere (check)
Invites handed out in playground to seemingly everyone but DC (check)
Walked into party at SoftPlay to which seemingly everyone else in DC class has been invited (check, check)
Asked by other parents how we were getting to X's party only awkward as DC not invited (check, check, check)
Playdate hosted but no invite back, often after other parent gushed "Oh yes, we really should have LittleVoleEater come around too sometime, I'll check my diary" (check, check, check...)

donteatvoles yup I'm going to a rhinos arse I think

Agree VolesKids, when I was on preschool committee we knew nothing about any individual child, and since it ran 10 sessions a week and no individual child attended more than five there was no way we could even guess.
Small parties happened between small groups of mums who already knew each other, I only took ddtwins to one that was organised through a contact at preschool, and even that was actually someone I'd vaguely known for years. Although I was on the Committee and knew a fair few other parents socially, it didn't seem to be part of the agenda
Things changed utterly come Reception, there seemed to be a party every bloody Saturday.

That's reassuring re committee. Thanks, I had visions of them discussing it.

this rings a bell with me. DD1 was not asked to a single party her entire time at montessori. Once a child was talking about her birthday party invitations but none arrived. I work full time and only dropped off once a week, so I just didn't know the parents. She moved to big school and became a tiny party animal - initially probably because the class reps sent out a note at the start of the year saying that parties should either be a handful of children or the whole class, no leaving singles out - but then because I took her to all those parties adn actually met the other mothers.
It's petty and horribly hurtful and of course has the effect of making you want to avoid those people but that just makes it worse.

Grow a think skin and remember you will notice these social snubs a lot more than your DS will.

Sadly, although your sons diagnosis may not be widely known, his atypical behaviour will be apparent to other parents (IME many will steer their kids away from contact with kids who's behaviour is seen as "bad", especially if they don't know the child has a condition, and is not just being naughty), and in a year or so, the other kids will be aware of it too.

My DS is 15 now and has been through this - in the long run, it doesn't really matter about who invited him to parties at age 4, or 8,or 10.... he will eventually form a small group of real friends who won't care that he's a little bit different.

The most sensible thing we did for our boy, socially, was to tell him about his Asperger's (age about 7) and give him a list of responses to use in situations he wasn't comfortable with. His school was very against this, believing DS (or his class) should not be told he was different - the point is, he knew he was different, and so did the other kids. He was already being bullied and cold-shouldered, so it was a positive thing for him to have a few verbal responses ready to diffuse situations in the playground.

I do think it's important to get to know a few of the other mothers and make sure they know about your sons condition - they will be more likely to invite him to parties out of a sense of fairness if they don't just think he is "naughty", or "odd", or "has useless parents", (we've had all those comments and more!).

scotch what did you teach him to say for responses?

I'd agree with what SCOTCHandWRY said, my DS is now 17, at college and has friends that appreciate him and seek him out.
I did the disclosure and teaching him responses to situations, it's been bumpy along the way but has got steadily better.
Their parents can be a bit odd on occasion, but as teenagers they expect that parents 'Just don't get it' and they refuse to have their friendships dictated by parents with an idea of what 'normal' should be.

MAMA, a few all-purpose responses to use when he was upset, scared, unsure of what was expected of him.

I have Asperger's -I don't understand what you mean.
-I don't like that noise/taste/texture, it make me feel sad.
- tell me if I talk for too long.

Just simple stock phrases - got more complex as he got older and was useful for talking to teachers too - he's very academic and sometimes they might forget that socially he was not reading class situations very well.

FallenC, I agree, at every single parents night, we also mention in a casual way "as you know, X has Asperger's, how is he coping socially", really as a way of making sure they are aware..... and it does seem to get better for them socially at around age 13/14 or so as the kids develop proper interests and seek out others with those interests.

Thank you scotch