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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to no longer like my BIL?

21 replies

SeptemberFalls · 13/07/2012 12:40

Name changed

My sister had a difficult time over the last two years and ended turning to alcohol and was in quite a state and at a really low place

During that period her husband my BIL acted like a right twat.

He was nasty, really really nasty to her, and used to say things to me on the phone such as 'I hope she pisses off and dies' 'All i'm hoping for is that she chokes to death on her own vomit'

My sister has turned the corner and is now much better and completely sober but she is still with BIL

I'm being nice to his face but I can't sweep away how he treated my sister, or how he spoke about her to everyone

Would I be unreasonable to say to him something along the lines off 'I'm never going to find the way you behaved acceptable, in my eyes you showed your true colours'

or is it easier just to pretend it never happened and be all pally pally like we were before my sister got ill?

OP posts:
Westcountrylovescheese · 13/07/2012 12:45

It's really hard to judge someone who has been in his position. He would have suffered alongside her and it's hard to know how you would react in his position. Was some of what he said to you a case of just venting? His way of coping? How was he beforehand?

So, on the face of it sorry but I think YUBU and you need to give him a second chance...

squeakytoy · 13/07/2012 12:46

I think I remember your previous thread actually.

It is great that your sister is recovering. I would say that the best course of action that would have less impact on damaging your sisters return to health is to let bygones be bygones for now.

Living with an alcoholic is hard, so I think you may have to accept that while his behaviour at the time seemed harsh and uncaring, there may well have been a limit to his patience and said things he probably regrets now too.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/07/2012 12:48

He said some unforgivable things so its only natural that at the moments you dont like him very much.

However, and I am not condoning his behavior, but it is very hard living with someone who has alcohol issues. My sister a few years back had a problem with drink and vallium, she was a nightmare....I imagine she drove her (now ex) H to the brink of despair and I can quite believe in times of darkness he might have said the same about her.

Yes, have a chat with him, tell him you cant quite get over the stuff he said about her - he may well surprise you.

YANBU to be annoyed about how he coped but yes he was going through a shitty time and was probably just venting his frustration .

WorraLiberty · 13/07/2012 12:49

I agree with Squeaky

What he said was nasty and must have been very upsetting for you to hear but that's the effect an alcoholic can have on their nearest and dearest.

Alcoholism by its very nature is a very selfish thing and it sounds like your BIL might have been on his knees emotionally at that point.

Your sister has turned a corner (thankfully) so I'd turn one too if I were you.

AlmostAHipster · 13/07/2012 12:53

Tbh, I'd let it go. Living with an alcoholic is horribly intense and I probably said stupid stuff like that too when I did.

I'd give him a chance to see how he is with your sister now she's recovering. If he's still an arse, then fair enough.

Inertia · 13/07/2012 12:55

Don't be pally with him, but I wouldn't bother saying anything - just carry on supporting your sister. If you say anything, it won't help your sister, and I bet your BIL knows how you feel already.

AKMD · 13/07/2012 13:03

I'm sure DH felt like that sometimes when I had PND. I know I did.

It sounds like your BIL also had a very hard time and was in great need of support. I would forget it TBH.

Original poster
SeptemberFalls · 13/07/2012 13:04

i just have so much anger towards him , but don't want to create a 'situation' if that makes sense?

He dragged her name through the mud with all the friends and his family (our parents are deceased)

Thank you for your replies, perhaps I should give him a second chance , but I'm just so so so angry with him

OP posts:
AKMD · 13/07/2012 13:05

It might be worth having an honest chat with him, saying how you feel but also saying that you realise how hard it must have been for him and let bygones be bygones. That way he knows how you feel and has a chance to explain and you aren't seething.

Cheriefroufrou · 13/07/2012 13:06

I agree with the others that living with an alcoholic can lead to uncharacteristically dark/desperate thoughts

I think the best thing now is to "suck it and see" and see how their relationship goes now that she is recovery

best of luck to everyone involved

quoteunquote · 13/07/2012 13:07

Living with an alcoholic often means that you hit rock bottom, long before they do,

if you stay with them you are dragged up and down the bottom of the estuary bottom as their tides change each day,

you end up bruised and abused, screaming for an end to it,

relationships are like two trees growing next to each other, they provide shelter and strength for each other,

If one tree starts to fall and leans on the other tree, it will take it down with it,

your brother in law probable didn't articulate it very well, but he was struggling to stay up,

He must be trying to make things work if he is still with her, offer him an olive branch, and between you, you might be able to support your sister until she gets her roots dug in again.

Original poster
SeptemberFalls · 13/07/2012 13:17

he is there because it's my sister that has the money.

She has carried him for years but the first time she fell into the grip of depression and turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism he started digging te knifes in and tried to get my sister to sign over the house to im.

I just don't like him at the moment, however I will pretend to like him for the sake of my sister and her children

OP posts:
Original poster
SeptemberFalls · 13/07/2012 13:19

the...him apologies for the typos

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 13/07/2012 13:23

Is he the children's father?

Original poster
SeptemberFalls · 13/07/2012 13:28

yes quoteunquote , they have been together since they were 20 and are 53 now

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 13/07/2012 13:37

it is possible that he is the only one who experienced the full extent or duration of this, it may have been bubbling and threatening for a long time before you and others around her who don't live with her started to become affected by it?

Original poster
SeptemberFalls · 13/07/2012 13:48

no ......i know what you are getting at but that is not the case

OP posts:
AlmostAHipster · 14/07/2012 06:56

Oh well, the last bit of info puts a different spin on things. Do you blame him for her alcohol problems? Is he usually a nasty twat?
They've been together a long time - is she too cowed to leave him?

minimisschief · 14/07/2012 07:25

shes been an alcoholic for two years and hes had to live with her crap day in day out. The onything he did wrong is that he stuk with your sister instead of leaving.

yabu

lopopo · 14/07/2012 20:13

I wouldn't judge him. Alcoholics are a nightmare to live with. My SIL no longer speaks to her own sister because of her behaviour and addiction. I have another friend who is no longer in touch with his stepfather who raised him - again because of his stepfather's addiction.

Your BIL has probably experienced vile behaviour and been let down so many times but still stayed with his wife.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 14/07/2012 20:16

Were these things said out of anger and frustration? Or calmly?

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